Jealousy

sebastian · Feb 22, 2012

Jealous is a common problem in less-than-monogamous relationships. Many BDSM relationships are not monogamous, but many are. Some people are made for monogamy, some for non-monogamy/casual relationships, and some people can do both. So I'd advise you to think about what you really think about monogamy. Do you think you want a committed relationship, in which you're the only slave of your master, and he your only master? Do you want a relationship in which both of you can play with others? Do you want a relationship in which your master's superior status is reflected in the fact that he may play with others but you may not (or you need to get special permission)? Some subs like the humiliation of knowing that they must share their master, and others like the idea that their master is so insatiable that one partner isn't enough. Some subs enjoy having a brother/sister slave who can help encourage them, deepen their training, help support the master, or occasionally act as a dom or slave for the slave. All of these are possible options. So spend some time thing about what you want and what you think you can accept.

If you decide that you want a monogamous/exclusive/committed relationship with your master, have a long talk with him and be prepared to withdraw your submission if he's not prepared to give up his other slave(s). There's no shame in this. Your jealousy might be a sign that you're just not emotionally hardwired to share a partner (or not emotionally ready to do so at this point in your life and training as a sub).

But it's also possible that your jealousy is just social conditioning or insecurity. Our society teaches us to be possessive of our partners; there are few models for open-relationships in our society; they're the stuff of Hollywood scandals. Our cinematic heroes may agonize about which person they really love, but almost always the movie ends with the hero deciding that only one candidate is right for him/her. I've seen precious few films or tv shows willing to contemplate the idea that maybe our hero could have two loves-of-her-life at once. So give some thought to why it bothers you that your master has other slaves. Does you feel that it means he's going to give you up, or that you can't measure up to your competition? Do you crave more attention than he's giving you currently? These might be things you can work on. Your master might be able to give you more time. He might be able to offer more praise and re-assurance that you matter to him. Maybe what you offer him is very different from what the other slave offers him, and he likes both of you for different reasons. Would you be ok if you were his primary slave and the others take a back seat when you're free?

glasgow-sub · Feb 23, 2012

I think my jealousy comes from insecurity. The thought that I'm 'not measuring up' as you said. That I alone am just not good enough, so he must have her to also satisfy him. I think because I'm so new to it all, it takes a bit of getting used to the fact that Masters may have more than just one slave. I'm still used to all the things that society teaches us, and to be entirely honest I am still very jealous of his other slave. I think to myself 'is she prettier than me? Thinner than me?' And of course she is younger too. I know I'm only starting out but I just want to be the best slave I can possibly be. I've spoken to my Master about my issues, and he did say that if he had to he would make a choice between us. But see I would never give him the choice because I'd be too afraid that he wouldn't chose me. :-( I'm ready to hand complete control of my life over to him, to do anything he asks of me, so it does hurt me that he has an emotional attatchment to another. Anyway, after taking a 'day off' I decided to go with stanleys advice and just tell myself I'm being unreasonable by being jealous, so things are back to normal again with my Master and I as far as my submission to him goes. But I know I'll still continue to feel jealous, that his focus is not always on me and only me. I guess I'm just trying to chanel those feelings to something else, but it's difficult.

stanley_jeffries · Feb 23, 2012

There are some things that worry me a bit in what you say. For instance:

You're new at all this
You have existing feelings of insecurity
And you're ready to hand complete control of your life over to him

Are you coming out a a traumatic event in your life, by any chance? I know it's a bit tricky talking about these things in a forum, but if you want to PM me then go right ahead.

Cheers,
Stanley

edjixxx · Feb 23, 2012

As sabastian said, some people are monogamous relationship persons. Telling yourself that your being unreasonable by being jealous is not a particularly attractive idea from my point of view. You're emotions will eventually deal with you if you don't deal with them. I've stuffed a lot of things down for a long time, and eventually my emotions oozed out in other ways. So while stuffing it down for now may work, eventually I think you run a very serious risk of building up emotional walls, and then some very serious resentment and anger feelings. I'm not as knowledgeable as sabastian or Stanley, but it's what I have come to understand about emotions so far. I'd talk to your Master very seriously about it. Just be careful of resentment and anger, that may put your relationship in jeopardy.

sebastian · Feb 23, 2012

Ok, Glasgow, you've concluded that your feelings of jealousy might be coming from insecurity and social conditioning. Maybe that's not the case, but let's proceed on the assumption that you've diagnosed the problem properly. So how do you deal with this?

1) You worry that the other slave is somehow better than you, that your master would choose her instead of you. So part of the problem is that your master isn't making you feel valued and special enough. That's a common problem. You may want to be a worthless slave, but you want to be HIS worthless slave, which is to say, someone special. So talk to your master about this. Ask him to give you more positive reinforce. Ask him to praise you when you do something well. Ask him for something that he doesn't give the other slave (a form of play, a special nickname, he calls you first, whatever); it just needs to be something that you get that the other slave doesn't, because it needs to make you feel that your relationship with him is unique and different from the relationship he has with the other slave.

2) On your own, explore some fantasies in which you and a fellow slave serve a master at the same time. Imagine what that might look like, regardless of what your actual relationship with your master looks like. Concoct whatever fantasy arouses you, except it has to involve a second slave. So the fantasy could be you two slaves simultaneously pleasuring him, or giving him a 2-girl lesbian show. Or maybe you help him torture the other slave, so you get to be a junior domme for a while. Or maybe she helps him torture you, so you get to have two doms at once. Or maybe she's a sort of older sister, helping you master a difficult piece of protocol, or she's your junior and needs your help to learn something. It doesn't matter what the fantasy actually involves. The point is for you to explore the idea that having a sister slave might be a source of pleasure for you. If you can learn to visualize a situation in which having a fellow slave become fun, your jealousy will probably recede a bit. Jealousy usually grows from a sense that you're losing out to someone else. If you can make that someone else feel like an addition to your pleasure rather than a subtraction from it, the motive for jealousy goes away.

Now, if you do these things and the second slave still makes you feel jealous and insecure, that might be a sign that you're not cut out for non-monogamy, or that you're not ready for it right now. If that's the case, then maybe you need to talk with your master again.

And Stanley's right. Your insecurity might be the sign of a deeper set of issues. Being a slave can seem like a way to run away from other difficulties in your life, but that's usually a bad idea. There are lots of bad doms out there who seek out vulnerable subs to exploit them, and you don't want to wind up as one of those.

Andre · Feb 23, 2012

He's perfect, except that he doesn't meet my huge need to be his one and only. So, therefore, not so perfect. That's the kind of thing that needs to match.

It isn't right or wrong to want what you want and for him to enjoy what he enjoys, but I see this as doomed. You're going to push your jealousy and desire to have his undivided attention down until it eats away at you, or it is going to bubble over and become a source of conflict between you all. Neither one of those is going to create a healthy relationship between you.

My vote is move on and add "I'm his only slave" to your basic criteria list.

glasgow-sub · Feb 23, 2012

I think everyone has made very valid points, so I thank you all for that! Although I don't think the answer is just to walk away after only 2 weeks. I think for now I have to work on my jealous, and the underlying reasons for it. If it continues to be a big problem for me, then yes, I will take the step to move on, and in the future will most certainly specify that I must be the one-and-only slave. So as not to cause all this hassle in the first place. I know that supressing my jealous isn't the answer, but I definately will just try to re-direct it, or turn it into something more positive.

Jealousy

sebastian

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glasgow-sub

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stanley_jeffries

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edjixxx

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sebastian

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Andre

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glasgow-sub

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