Looking for advice

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by kittengrey, Sep 8, 2009.

  1. kittengrey

    kittengrey Member

    Well, I will admit that I'm new to the whole lifestyle. Me and my fiance started it as part of our roleplays, but I wanted it to be more. It started out where I was the dominate, but then I started getting cravings to be sub. So it started to be a switch thing. Personally now I don't want to be dominate at all. I want to be submissive, not thinking for myself and being at the control of someone else. To serve and please on command and have my body used and abused as my Master sees fit. We are starting to bring the lifestyle out of roleplay and into real life, but its hard. She isn't the dominating type. Naturally, I am much more dominating and manipulative. She is a very passive, quiet, and shy person. She is agreeing to be my Master, and she tells me that she wants to do this, but I'm not sure if she really wants to. I don't feel like she's capable of being a Master at all. She doesn't seem comfortable with the position of Master, but she keeps telling me otherwise. And I don't think she'll ever be able to punish me; she can hardly smack me in the arm when I do something totally wrong. She's no where near as manipulative as me, and she's not comfortable giving me orders. She's my fiance, totally possessive over me, and I love her so much. I don't want to leave her because of this, but I'm afraid that she'll never be comfortable with being dominate. I'm just looking for some advice. Anything, really. Should I wait this out and see what happens, or should I tell her that its not worth going through the trouble? I want her to come online to chat with other masters, to get some advice, ideas, and support, but she refuses. I'm just...lost I guess. Any adivce would help a lot.
  2. EZRA

    EZRA Member

    I'm not sure what to tell you kittengrey.
    passiveness and shyness are not qualities usually associated with Dominates.
    I think you have to decide how important this is to you and you need to find a way for her to truly express her feelings about this, because I get the feeling that she is telling you what she thinks you want to hear.
    She sound more like a sub to me and i think there are ways for subs to be together and be happy but it will take a huge amount of trust and understanding.
    Also I feel like your very excited by your new "lifestyle" and that will make her feel a lot of pressure to be what you want, especialy if she is a sub.
    Take a breath ,step back and look for a NO CONFRONTATIONAL way of talking with her about this she needs to feel safe to tell you what she is really thinking.
    be patient and calm when you do talk to her. if you truly love her then you and her need to find a way to work it out so that neither of you is giving up who they are or giving in to the others wants.
    this always needs to be mutual or not at all.
  3. serodio

    serodio Banned

    You kids are new to this, so don't expect your lives to flip into this 24/7 sub/dom thing after just a few role plays. In any relationship, friction/conflict is the result of not establishing the sub and dom roles. If you are the dominant, manipulative one--as you admit yourself--you need to assert that aspect of yourself. Roleplay is fine, but it seems you are a dom at heart and she is a sub at heart. Why fight it?
  4. kittengrey

    kittengrey Member

    -nods- Ok, I get the pressure thing. I've been calm and nice with her, but she could still be under pressure.
    And I know its not a 24/7 thing; I have a job and I don't want it to be 24/7, or at least not any time soon. She told me a part of her wants to be dominate. And even if I'm naturally the manipulative one, I ache for being the sub. Sounds stupid, but its true. Kinda like some people were born the wrong gender, I guess I was born with the wrong personality. ^^;
  5. GreyMac

    GreyMac Member

    kittengrey, if I may make a suggestion, perhaps you could write out a scenario- a script. "After I say this, then you smack my ass and say how DARE you talk to me that way! then paddle me 10 times and make me count them out loud," Etc. Doesn't have to be too detailed, just put together a framework she can work from. Some people who are new to this literally don't know what to do.

    Make up code words, when you say "that hurts", or "please don't hit me that hard", really means the opposite. Also develop a word for when it really IS hard enough, If you've got sufficient imagination to be kinky, then you've got all you need to dream up good stuff. You partner may need to experiment with boundaries slowly. Many people use a 'safeword' Any word not likely to be spoken (or forgotten!) during the heat of the moment is fine.

    Maybe you should spend a lot of time daydreaming and fantasizing about this. Just keep good notes...
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2009
  6. kittengrey

    kittengrey Member

    That script thing actually sounds like a really good idea. I might try that a little later on when she gets more comfortable with the position. And me and her were talking about the safeword thing the other day.
    And trust me....I've been thinking about this. Constantly. For months. I guess that's why I'm so iffy about it all. Because I guess I'm starting to think of the worst-possible scenarios this could take. I'm loving the feedback, btw. ^^

  7. I'd have to agree. If you're going to make a life together, trying to adapt a persona or mentality that really isn't you could be tough. You can't learn to be either Dom or sub. If it's not really a part of you, you may have trouble getting there (in terms of a truly complete relationship).

    That's no reason not to experiement as also prescribed. Perhaps you're still soul-searching and will find your true calling.

    Maybe the two of you should look through some pictures or vids together that are available here and elsewhere. You never know what idea/concept/scenario may "grab" you. A former sub and I used to play a version of bondage roulette. She'd randomly click one of a mass of random pictures and suffer the fate depicted therein (or it started there, and could go anywhere). Never knew what was coming, and that added a lot to the intensity of what we shared.

    Our community's collective interests cover many tactics/toys/settings, etc. Think of it as a huge salad bar: take what you like & leave the rest.

    I hope it works out. When it does, it's truly something.
  8. EZRA

    EZRA Member

    +1 what Mephistopheles said.
  9. kittengrey

    kittengrey Member

    Well, this weekend was fun

    Master decided she would look through everything I've been doing online. Oh course, I treated my online life as something totally seperate, so needless to say that certain things she found, she didn't like. A few things actually hurt her feeling. Badly. So then I got a taste of her violence unleashed, and boy did she prove me wrong. After tearing me down mentally and emotionly and fully exhausting me, she wouldn't let me go to sleep until she was tired. Then she told me that I was going to have to tell her friend about what happened and let her friend hit me. So, now she's taking being dominate more seriously; I guess she just had to get puched a bit? I dunno. But, needless to say, things are looking a bit more hopeful. She can be very dominating when she wants to be.

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