So confused and so many questions????/

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by rainey73, Dec 22, 2011.

  1. rainey73

    rainey73 New Member

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    I'm scared out of my mind to talk to someone about this but I have a serious problem.
    I'm a female 38 year old happily married woman but I fave a huge sexual issue that I've had all of my sexual life. I don't know why I'm here except to say maybe I'm intrigued? Curious?
    I will just come out and say, I have never experienced an orgasm with a sexual partner in my life. I can do this on my own when I'm alone but not with someone. Even if I try while I'm having sex, it doesn't work. Never has. NEVER!!!!!
    My husband knows about this and has accepted it as I have but I can't stop thinking about what it would be like.
    I feel as though I'm probably a submissive person cause I love to have my hands restrained and being told what to do. The only problem is, my husband only restrains my hands with his own for a brief second and doesn't like bossing me.
    Another thing, which is probably the biggest problem yet is, I am extremely modest.
    I have never let another man see my body, including my husband. I always have sex in the pitch black and he seems okay with this. It's not that I'm ashamed of what I look like cause I'm only 98 pounds but it terrifies me. I do not know why.
    My friends know this about me and think it's weird as hell.
    I can't believe it sometimes myself but it's the gods honest truth. I've been married for 10 years and he's NEVER seen me naked.
    I don't know if any of you have any advice but I didn't know where else to go. I've battled with this problem a lifetime it seems.
    HELP if you can.
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Rainey, a few thoughts:
    1) You do sound at least mildly submissive. Have you thought about discussing this with your husband? I have a post in the Newcomer's FAQ about how to kinkify a vanilla boyfriend, and that might give you a few ideas on how to bring it up
    2) It's time to go a step further with your interest in bondage. Get a length of nylon rope or, if that seems too intimidating, a scarf. Ask your husband to wrap it around your wrists and put the ends in your hands. There's little risk of losing circulation or anything, because if any problems come up, you can just let go of the scarf or rope. This will let you feel restrained even when he's not holding your wrists, and you'll be able to strain against the rope. Bonus points if you can loop the rope over your headboard so you can pull against the bed frame.
    3) Your fears about him seeing your body are definitely unusual. Generally speaking, men like something to look at during sex, so your husband would probably like to see you. Perhaps you could take a step toward letting him see you by leaving a distant light source available (maybe have the lights off in your bedroom but leave the hall light on and the door open, or put a low watt bulb in a small lamp on the other side of the bedroom. You might speak to a therapist about this issue. A good therapist will help you explore this and see what the foundation of the issue is and help you find ways to overcome this fear. I'm assuming you want to overcome it because you've mentioned it as a problem. But fear of one's body is not that abnormal. Lots of people are body-conscious for one reason or another, and woman are taught to be nervous about their appearance, so you're hardly alone.
  3. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    I am sorry you feel so bad
    I cannot really comment on the bdsm side of things as I am pretty new myself
    But imo I would say it would be a good idea to be working on some of your hangups and relaxing and finding out what you enjoy before trying to label yourself

    I don't know what you are doing just now or what you are thinking is normal
    Most ladies cannot cum from intercourse

    Whatever you do to get yourself off when you are on your own you have to show your husband
    If him seeing you naked is an issue then take his hand and use his fingers as if they are your own

    If you have no toys get some, if you use them all the time stop using them, your clit can become a bit numb if you overdo things

    Play with yourself with your husband there if you need to

    As for being naked
    Why not put on the most revealing outfit you feel ok in and have some fun with the lights on with you only moving some clothes about
    Then if its fun try less clothes
    Or why not film yourself playing with yourself on your own naked and let him watch it

    For the bondage you possibly need to take baby steps with hubby, let him see how much you enjoy the little he does
    Also you can fantasize, why not hold onto the headboard and pretend you are tied down, close your eyes and pretend you are blindfolded. The mind is the best sex organ there is

    I do have to say you have been practising your fears for a while te nakedness and ont cumming, although its difficult it might be best to get help
  4. TerribleT

    TerribleT Member

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    Hi Rainey, I'm glad you found a forum in which to express yourself and seek advice.
    About the restraining of the hands. Maybe you could try the finger lacing, hand holding thing. Like in the movies. To him, it could feel less violent then holding your wrists and he could feel more like he's holding your hands in an intimate and loving way. You could fantasize that he is in control of you and holding you down in a dominating way.
    About the climaxing. In my experience, a woman needs to be comfortable and focused as well as properly stimulated. It sounds like you are getting side tracked by your hangups.
    I dont know how you might overcome this but identifying the issues can't hurt.
    About the exposing your body issue. Maybe he could wear a blindfold and, in that way, you could be naked with your husband without him seeing you.
    Have you tried working through some of these anxieties? If you have identified something about yourself you wish to change, then it's time to go about changing it. Take one thing and take baby steps to change it.

    Good luck!

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    My own two cents worth.. The issue you have in not having an orgasm with your partner is more common then many would want to admit. Its not pleasant nor fun, but common. Solutions to this of course will always be first to communicate. After this, a partner who pays attention to the needs of their partner will help. The confidence coming from the dark, is something that would need to be overcome in order to help aid in achieving orgasm. Partner's who have self esteem of confidence issues will face difficulties sexually when it comes to intimate encounters.

    I am not privy to all the details, so it would be absurd for me to make any assumptions, but what I can offer is to take a direction in which you perhaps begin to evaluate your self a little more and understand more about why you have the difficulties you do. You will know yourself better then anyone. If you can work on and overcome to some degree the self esteem issue you have with you appearance or sexual interests, you will likely begin to achieve a lot more!

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    Oh my! That must be an aweful dilemma! Luckily, you're not completely alone. I've heard of other women who do not let their husbands see them naked... But i've never heard of it lasting quite this long. You're definitely not alone with not having an orgasm during intercourse. I've never had one in my entire life, except one so small I'm not certain it actually was one. If you can masturbate and have sex with your husband, you're at least that far along!

    So, I can't offer much advice on teaching orgasm, except to offer what i've been told. Don't stress about it if the first thing. If you have sex with the goal of climaxing, you will most likely cause yourself some anxiety that will keep you from reaching that goal. Just find out what feels the best and ask that your husband keep himself going for a reasonable amount of time. (The average woman takes 13 minutes to climax- you might take 20 or 30 minutes.) If you don't orgasm, don't stress. The goal of sex for a lot of couples is fun, not orgasm. I personally feel I have more fun having sex when I concern myself more with what's going on during sex as opposed to worrying about finishing. Also, I've been told experience and age plays a factor in whether or not a woman climaxes... You've ben having sex for 10 years and are an adult, but perhaps you are a late bloomer? Outside stressors, problems in the marriagw, etc can also cause similar issues but I doubt that is the case.

    And as for being seen naked, could you elaborate why you are uncomfortable with it? If you want to eventually be able to be seen naked, I would try starting by getting a teddy that has an open crotch or sexy nighty and dimming the lights and having sex. Then when you're comfortable with that work up to more and more revealing lingerie (a thong and bra, see thru undies and a shelf bra, etc) until you're comfortable being completely naked with him:) I think once you get comfortable with it, you'll like it. When I'm with my boyfriend, I can't wait to strip butt naked, because it just makes everything seem more intimate and natural:D

    If you do get your husband to agree to dominate you another possible solution is (after you REALLY work up to it) if having him demand you take your clothes off. (Don't have to be all at once- he can ask you to remove one reticle of clothing to start.) There's TONS of stuff I'd never be willing to do outside of a scene, but through submission it's different and even pleasant! Not sure if you'll have a similar experience, but it's something to think about.

    Hope this helps :) please don't be why abouy asking questions. I'm new too, and the experienced members here are all very helpful and nice. Very non judgmental envirinment too.

    P.S. I'm sorry if i'm repeating what others have said- tried replying to this two days ago on my phone and when I looked the post was still here waiting to be sent. So now i'm sending this. Lol.
  7. Andre

    Andre New Member

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    As to not getting to orgasm with someone else, is the someone else stimulating your clit? If not, that can be most of the problem. Realistically, most women don't orgasm without at least a little clit stimulation too.

    As to the rest, I think you can start to play with your submissive side by pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. For example, dare yourself to strip your clothes off and lay on the bed (no blankets) and leave the light on, a present just waiting for your hubby. Then you could move up to using velcro cuffs to hook your hands to the headboard and leaving that present for your hubby one night (with or without clothing on). He doesn't have to feel like he's pushing you, you push yourself and present yourself to him in a way that you'd enjoy.

    Something to consider at least.
  8. Sally

    Sally Member

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    I've had trouble getting orgasm my whole life, but then I got a psychiatrist who cleared up in my head. Now everything is good, it is still hard but it works. try to be blindfolded, it helps me when I'm afraid that someone will see me. it is a bit like children faith "if I do not see you, you will not see me" even though we know better, it actually works out a bit. and do not have full light, only a candle light far away.

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