Jealousy

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by glasgow-sub, Feb 22, 2012.

  1. glasgow-sub

    glasgow-sub New Member

    I'm pretty new to BDSM and have been playing with an online Master for a few weeks now. We've become very close very quickly, and we have a wonderful relationship. His needs and my needs just seem to match perfectly. I feel lucky to have found him! But my one problem is, I'm not his only slave, he has another, and I find myself becoming increasingly jealous of her. I've asked him to relieve me from my slave duties for a little while so I can think about what to do next. I'm considering walking away and trying to find a new Master. But I'd rather not walk away, as our relationship is so perfect except from my jealousy issues. Any advice would be great thanks!
     
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  2. Kor

    Kor Member

    If you're jealous of another online slave of an online master... walking away and picking the next master off the list isn't going to help things.
     
  3. glasgow-sub

    glasgow-sub New Member

    I don't want to walk away, I really don't. But how do I stop/help my jealousy issues. If walking away isn't going to help things - then what is?
     
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  4. Kor's absolutely right. An online Master will normally have multiple slaves.

    How about this.

    One manifestation of submission is cuckolding. I know this normally takes the form of a dominant wife cuckolding her husband by making love to other men in front of him. But I think it could work with the sexes reversed too.

    Try to channel your feelings of jealousy into feelings of submission as a "cuckolded slave". If your relationship with your Master is as good as you say it is, then you need to have a timeout from roleplay and discuss this properly. He may be able to adapt his domination to a form of more deliberate cuckolding - and hopefully this will help you feel that when he pays attention to his other slave(s) it is a direct act of dominance over you.

    Note that he may interpret this as a form of topping from the bottom, but if it's bothering you that much then it's probably worth taking that risk. It sounds like you've already brought it up with him, so at this point you probably don't have anything to lose by suggesting it.

    Does that make sense?

    Cheers,
    Stanley
     
  5. glasgow-sub

    glasgow-sub New Member

    Thanks for the reply. I think I understand. So what your saying is that he should tell me when he's going to be spending time with his other slave? And tell me the details of it? Maybe order me to perform a task until he's done with her? Hmmm, I'm not sure if this would make me feel more jealous or less jealous, but as you said, it's worth a try, especially as we do have such a good relationship. Perhaps see if he agrees to say that yes, I am not the only slave that he is training, but I am the only one that is HIS slave? He is merely playing with another slave to show me that he is the one in charge, and he can do as he wishes, but imust always obey him? He's very understanding, and I'm sure I can discuss this with him. As I said I really don't want to have to just walk away....
     
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  6. Sort of...I think we need to break this down into two elements; one that has to happen with you, and the other would optionally happen with him.

    You could try to imagine his interactions with his other slave(s) as a manifestation of domination over you. In other words, try to redirect or morph the feeling of jealousy you have into one of submission.

    Let me see if I can give you an analogy.

    Imagine you have an "in-person" Master, not just an online relationship. Let's say that each time your Master meets you (as long as you're alone) he slaps your face once. He doesn't say a thing as to why he's done it, but after a while you know that he's going to do it. Since he doesn't say if the slap is meant as a punishment, how do you interpret his action? Because you're in a sub/Dom relationship his slap is actually part of his act of domination. You come to accept it, and you probably look forward to the impact of his hand on your cheek. You regard it like a lover's kiss...his way to greet you.

    But in your case he's not slapping your face...he's cuckolding you with another slave. You can choose to interpret this as an act of domination. And I think if you can think of it this way then you can use it to remove, or redirect the feeling of jealousy.


    OK...so now the second part, which he can optionally do. If you are able to channel the feelings of jealousy successfully, then it may actually help if your Master consciously uses cuckolding terminology if he ever mentions the other slave(s).

    So I'm not suggesting he talks more frequently about having other slaves, but if he does then he can phrase things in a way that makes it appear that he is consciously dominating you with this information.



    By the way...I'm sure you're aware that feelings of jealousy in an online relationship are a warning sign that things are getting out of hand.


    Cheers,
    Stanley
     
  7. glasgow-sub

    glasgow-sub New Member

    Yes, I understand what you're saying. And it will help a lot I hope, but with regards to your final paragraph. 'A warning sign that things are getting out of hand' - I feared this to be honest. But then what's the solution to that? Our relationship has been very intense. Do you think we should try to slow things down, or I should stop sharing such intimate information with him?
     
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  8. No, it sounds like you have a great relationship.

    But something changed in that relationship and you seem to be unhappy. So let's consider what changed.

    You're in an online sub/Dom relationship with a Master. He has one or more other slaves. You are feeling jealous of those slaves, and this jealousy is at the root of your unhappiness with the relationship.

    So there are two basic facts here:

    • He has other slaves.
    • You are jealous of those other slaves.

    The combination of these two factors is making you unhappy, and the idea is to remove this source of unhappiness. Two questions:

    • Is it reasonable for him to have other slaves?
    • Is it reasonable for you to be jealous?

    This is just my opinion, but since he is an online Master, and it's very common for online Masters to have multiple slaves, then I would suggest that his behaviour is perfectly reasonable.

    Is it reasonable for you to be jealous? If this were a "real life" relationship, and you had both entered into it in the spirit of exclusivity then it would be perfectly understandable for you to be jealous.

    But this isn't a real life relationship. And you know that if you leave him and find another Master, you'll be in the same non-exclusive position, but the new Master may not understand you as well as your current Master.

    I would suggest that if you leave him, the most likely outcome is that you will be less happy than you are now.

    So the question is, can you reconcile your feelings and become happy again with this relationship without any changes in his behaviour?

    If the answer to that question is "no" then I think you may have strayed over a boundary, and you may be expecting too much.

    Cheers,
    Stanley
     
  9. glasgow-sub

    glasgow-sub New Member

    Well stanley, thank goodness you happened to read my thread, your advice has been very helpful. And made me see that perhaps I am getting myself in too deep and becoming unreasonably jealous given that it is only an online relationship, we've already spoke of the future though, and spoken about perhaps meeting. I think if we were to meet, perhaps then I would have reason to be jealous, but for now it is probably my own emotions getting out of control.
     
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  10. I'm glad I could be of help.

    I think you were doing the right thing anyway - asking for relief from your duties to just take a time-out.

    It's not a big surprise that intense relationships like this can get a bit...intense ;)

    It sounds like you have found a great online Master, and by cooling things down a bit you are less likely to make him nervous too.

    I wish you well with your slavery!

    Cheers,
    Stanley
     
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Jealous is a common problem in less-than-monogamous relationships. Many BDSM relationships are not monogamous, but many are. Some people are made for monogamy, some for non-monogamy/casual relationships, and some people can do both. So I'd advise you to think about what you really think about monogamy. Do you think you want a committed relationship, in which you're the only slave of your master, and he your only master? Do you want a relationship in which both of you can play with others? Do you want a relationship in which your master's superior status is reflected in the fact that he may play with others but you may not (or you need to get special permission)? Some subs like the humiliation of knowing that they must share their master, and others like the idea that their master is so insatiable that one partner isn't enough. Some subs enjoy having a brother/sister slave who can help encourage them, deepen their training, help support the master, or occasionally act as a dom or slave for the slave. All of these are possible options. So spend some time thing about what you want and what you think you can accept.

    If you decide that you want a monogamous/exclusive/committed relationship with your master, have a long talk with him and be prepared to withdraw your submission if he's not prepared to give up his other slave(s). There's no shame in this. Your jealousy might be a sign that you're just not emotionally hardwired to share a partner (or not emotionally ready to do so at this point in your life and training as a sub).

    But it's also possible that your jealousy is just social conditioning or insecurity. Our society teaches us to be possessive of our partners; there are few models for open-relationships in our society; they're the stuff of Hollywood scandals. Our cinematic heroes may agonize about which person they really love, but almost always the movie ends with the hero deciding that only one candidate is right for him/her. I've seen precious few films or tv shows willing to contemplate the idea that maybe our hero could have two loves-of-her-life at once. So give some thought to why it bothers you that your master has other slaves. Does you feel that it means he's going to give you up, or that you can't measure up to your competition? Do you crave more attention than he's giving you currently? These might be things you can work on. Your master might be able to give you more time. He might be able to offer more praise and re-assurance that you matter to him. Maybe what you offer him is very different from what the other slave offers him, and he likes both of you for different reasons. Would you be ok if you were his primary slave and the others take a back seat when you're free?
     
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  12. glasgow-sub

    glasgow-sub New Member

    I think my jealousy comes from insecurity. The thought that I'm 'not measuring up' as you said. That I alone am just not good enough, so he must have her to also satisfy him. I think because I'm so new to it all, it takes a bit of getting used to the fact that Masters may have more than just one slave. I'm still used to all the things that society teaches us, and to be entirely honest I am still very jealous of his other slave. I think to myself 'is she prettier than me? Thinner than me?' And of course she is younger too. I know I'm only starting out but I just want to be the best slave I can possibly be. I've spoken to my Master about my issues, and he did say that if he had to he would make a choice between us. But see I would never give him the choice because I'd be too afraid that he wouldn't chose me. :-( I'm ready to hand complete control of my life over to him, to do anything he asks of me, so it does hurt me that he has an emotional attatchment to another. Anyway, after taking a 'day off' I decided to go with stanleys advice and just tell myself I'm being unreasonable by being jealous, so things are back to normal again with my Master and I as far as my submission to him goes. But I know I'll still continue to feel jealous, that his focus is not always on me and only me. I guess I'm just trying to chanel those feelings to something else, but it's difficult.
     
  13. There are some things that worry me a bit in what you say. For instance:

    • You're new at all this
    • You have existing feelings of insecurity
    • And you're ready to hand complete control of your life over to him

    Are you coming out a a traumatic event in your life, by any chance? I know it's a bit tricky talking about these things in a forum, but if you want to PM me then go right ahead.

    Cheers,
    Stanley
     
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  14. edjixxx

    edjixxx Member

    As sabastian said, some people are monogamous relationship persons. Telling yourself that your being unreasonable by being jealous is not a particularly attractive idea from my point of view. You're emotions will eventually deal with you if you don't deal with them. I've stuffed a lot of things down for a long time, and eventually my emotions oozed out in other ways. So while stuffing it down for now may work, eventually I think you run a very serious risk of building up emotional walls, and then some very serious resentment and anger feelings. I'm not as knowledgeable as sabastian or Stanley, but it's what I have come to understand about emotions so far. I'd talk to your Master very seriously about it. Just be careful of resentment and anger, that may put your relationship in jeopardy.
     
  15. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Ok, Glasgow, you've concluded that your feelings of jealousy might be coming from insecurity and social conditioning. Maybe that's not the case, but let's proceed on the assumption that you've diagnosed the problem properly. So how do you deal with this?

    1) You worry that the other slave is somehow better than you, that your master would choose her instead of you. So part of the problem is that your master isn't making you feel valued and special enough. That's a common problem. You may want to be a worthless slave, but you want to be HIS worthless slave, which is to say, someone special. So talk to your master about this. Ask him to give you more positive reinforce. Ask him to praise you when you do something well. Ask him for something that he doesn't give the other slave (a form of play, a special nickname, he calls you first, whatever); it just needs to be something that you get that the other slave doesn't, because it needs to make you feel that your relationship with him is unique and different from the relationship he has with the other slave.

    2) On your own, explore some fantasies in which you and a fellow slave serve a master at the same time. Imagine what that might look like, regardless of what your actual relationship with your master looks like. Concoct whatever fantasy arouses you, except it has to involve a second slave. So the fantasy could be you two slaves simultaneously pleasuring him, or giving him a 2-girl lesbian show. Or maybe you help him torture the other slave, so you get to be a junior domme for a while. Or maybe she helps him torture you, so you get to have two doms at once. Or maybe she's a sort of older sister, helping you master a difficult piece of protocol, or she's your junior and needs your help to learn something. It doesn't matter what the fantasy actually involves. The point is for you to explore the idea that having a sister slave might be a source of pleasure for you. If you can learn to visualize a situation in which having a fellow slave become fun, your jealousy will probably recede a bit. Jealousy usually grows from a sense that you're losing out to someone else. If you can make that someone else feel like an addition to your pleasure rather than a subtraction from it, the motive for jealousy goes away.

    Now, if you do these things and the second slave still makes you feel jealous and insecure, that might be a sign that you're not cut out for non-monogamy, or that you're not ready for it right now. If that's the case, then maybe you need to talk with your master again.

    And Stanley's right. Your insecurity might be the sign of a deeper set of issues. Being a slave can seem like a way to run away from other difficulties in your life, but that's usually a bad idea. There are lots of bad doms out there who seek out vulnerable subs to exploit them, and you don't want to wind up as one of those.
     

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