Something that I was wondering about.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by HelenaB, Mar 6, 2011.

  1. HelenaB

    HelenaB New Member

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    My name is Helena and I'm a bondage and fetish model. I have been for quite a while. Bondage also plays a large role in my private life. As such most people I work with, spend my free time with and even my family all know what I do and what I like.
    My question is as this is the norm for me I wonder how most people cope with either meeting like minded others or if they wish keeping things a secret from family etc.
    I know it may sound strange but I have been thinking about it alot since being told by someone the other day that I was so brave for openly being who I want to be. I don't see it as brave I'm just who I am.

    Thanks Helena.
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Helena, I'm not quite clear what you're asking. I think what you're asking is, how common is it for people to admit to being into bondage and other kinky stuff? How many of us are out of the kink closet?

    Assuming I've got that right, I would say that BDSM is much less socially acceptable than being gay. BDSM is where gays were in the early 80s: gaining some visibility in the media but most people don't realize that they know people who are kinky. I would say that gay people are more likely to consider BDSM 'normal' than straight people are, since gay people already have to come to terms with not being normal, and therefore they're more likely to experiment themselves and more likely to think that alternative sexuality is acceptable.

    But remember that the media mostly presents BDSM in a negative light. When a tv show or film presents BDSM as part of a drama or comedy, typically it falls into one of several patterns. Fem subs are emotionally damaged victims or naive young girls who wind up as murder victims. Fem doms are man-hating ball-busters who simply get off on watching men suffer pain (and probably lesbian). Male subs are pathetic jokes who crave humiliation. Male doms are psychotic killers who like to torture people to death. I remember an episode of House which opened with a man trying to rape a woman in her apartment. It turns out that they're just playing out a rape scene; they're a couple and the husband/dom develops a severe medical problem. At first I thought 'wow, they're actually presenting what the couple are doing as relatively healthy sex!' Sadly, at the end of the episode, it turns out that the wife is poisoning her husband, which implicitly points to their BDSM interests as being unhealthy. And that's the most positive light I've ever seen BDSM shown in on tv. The result is that most Americans learn about BDSM from what they see on TV or in film, or else what they see in porn.

    And most porn presents BDSM from the Outer Layer only, so that the emotional connections and trust and pleasure that the sub feels is almost invisible. About the only BDSM porn I've seen that
    tries to go any deeper is the stuff on Bound Gods and Bound in Public, which presents BDSM as being solidly consensual and pleasurable for the sub.

    Among gays and lesbians, most could pass for straight if they had to. And because of that, many choose to stay in the closet, although that's getting rarer. Most who come out do so because they decide that it's safe enough to do so, but many come out only to friends and remain closeted at work or whatever. And a small portion come out because they can't hide it. The nelly queens can't act straight to save their lives. As a result, some of the toughest gays, the ones with the most emotional resources, and the ones who blazed the trail for gay liberation are the queens, because they had to get tough and make noise purely as a defensive tactic. Now think about BDSM that way. Most kinky people can hide it, and so only come out to those whom they trust. But a few of us, like you, can't hide being kinky. Being who you are means being kinky. You're one of the kinksters who is helping blaze a trail of public acceptance for the rest of us.

    So, thank you.
  3. HelenaB

    HelenaB New Member

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    Thanks Sebastian

    Its very kind of you to think I'm helping in the getting public acceptance for others.

    As for comparing it to being gay. I'm not sure about that, as to me being gay is not something that anyone should have to choose to hide. Its like the colour of your skin or the fact that I'm a female.
    I know what you mean about TV showing such a stupid picture of anything non vanilla. Here we have adverts where its ok to show male subs but never females. Right so men can decide to be subs but women being subs are always victims. That is so wrong.
    I'm a sub female in my private life but also self employed and a have a very happy and strong family. I'm not a victim. I guess a large part of if you let people see the real you is not caring about what they think. I have grown up not caring less if I fitted in or if I was popular.
    I have been lucky and found so many wonderful people who share my outlook and love me for the twisted, insane schitz that I am.
  4. P.S.Eudonym

    P.S.Eudonym Member

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    Well, having jus recently accepted my kink i can tell you straight, i think twice and tricee before i tell someone. So far i have told 5 people. 3 can relate directly since they are into bdsm themselves (my fiancé, her coworker and a gay friend of ours), my best friend who cant relate but is my best friend and just recently another good friend of mine. The last one was particularly hard because he is a very devout religious man that has trouble accepting anything that isnt as 'god intended it to be'. He makes a huge effort and understand it analytically, but on an emotional level it will always be aimply wrong to him. Thankfully he is the kind of man who does not lose respect for you because of this but instead respects the fact that you are honest about it and while voicing his opinion, accepts that you think otherwise. The world needs more like him to be honest.

    I have yet to tell my parents or siblings and i am unsure wether i even want to. I know for aure that as far as my professional life goes, i simply wont touch the subject unless asked directly. But then straight people dont out themselves as straigjt so i dont see anything wrong wih that. In general, how to live or handle your sexuality is probably the most private decisoon a person can make. Requiring anyone to forgo that right and out him or herself is wrong on more levels than i care to count. What a person likes in his private life ahould be his business and whom he tells his choice. Everyone who thinks otherwise does not get the concept of free developement of the individual.

    Btw. This keyboard sucks so sorry for my bad spelling. Corrections are a pita on phones.
  5. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    I agree with Sebastian
    It's really hard for gays and kinksters to come out of closet I've only told my closest friends about my kinky side I don't really want to come out to public because they bash everyone they don't understand.If my coworkers will know about my private lifestyle they'll lose respect of me
    I already made a mistake by telling my father about me and I haven't told him about my bisexuality he'll have a heart attack if I'll do

    Sebastian made a great point about TV shows they always make us look like some freaks...but the truth is that we are the most open minded and cultured society in the world!

    and also thank you hope people like you will show the world real BDSM
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Helena: I'm not sure that being kinky is something that we should have to hide either, but we do. And the roots of gayness and kinkiness are pretty deep and complicated. Both go back at least to childhood and perhaps basic biology. So while the analogy isn't perfect (no analogy is), I think it's a fairly good one.

    PS: I have to disagree on one point. Straight people constantly out themselves as straight. They wear wedding rings, having pictures of their spouse on their desk, casually mention their spouse and children in conversation, brings their spouses to office parties, hold hands and kiss in public, and so on. Gay people constantly have straightness shoved in their faces. Now, mind you, I don't think there's anything inappropriate about that. I just want to the same opportunity to do it that straight people have.

    Jey: My feeling is that the only way things will change is by being open. It's how gays are winning this fight--studies show that the more gay people you know, the more likely you are to accept it as normal (the tipping point for most people, apparently, is 5). The problem is that it sucks to be the first one to do it, so no one wants to start. But I decided that I was going to be about as open about my kinkiness as I am about my gayness. All of my closest friends now about my dominance epiphany, and half my family knows. I haven't told my oldest brother or dad, but I don't talk about anything personal with them. I'm not out as kinky at my college, but I do wear my biker jacket and boots and occasionally I get 'the sub look' from guys as I walk past them. My decision about work is just practicality; there are a two or three colleagues I would tell if the subject somehow came up naturally. But because I teach students, I think that discretion is the better part of valor in this case.
  7. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    Seb I'm hoping that someday will all be able to come out and show to everyone who we are and everyone will accept us but today's world is still "dark" and people are hateful :)

    I'm trying to look as straight as possible have 5 o'clock shadow and there are moments when I have chosen really tasteful and fashionable style but I make it ugly so it'll look as tasteless as most straight guys would wear and it's kinda funny I sometimes buy BDSM related stuff but never wear them... :D
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2011
  8. P.S.Eudonym

    P.S.Eudonym Member

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    @Sebastian: You could consider that outing and I see your logic, but personally, I just consider that life. To me, outing is explaining yourself to someone in my mind. Most gay people I know live exactly like that, with rings, pictures, public affection and casual mentions. It does lead to a raised eyebrow at times, but for the most part my impression is that the casual way they handle their sexuality actually helps people to accept it.
    If there is one thing I can't stand, its people who define themselves through their sexuality exclusively in public. Be gay all you want, but introducing yourself by saying: "Hi, Im Bob and Im gay" (replace with gay with other interests if applicable) is plain bad. I've known a few guys and girls like that and it always felt weird because every decision they make or interest they had seemed to be based in their sexuality. If you like movies, like movies, don't like movies because your x. Our sexuality is a huge part of our life, but its not the only one and its a private one. None should have to hide it, but you should also respect the fact that some people are uncomfortable with sexuality in general or one specific direction in particular.

    On the other hand, a fun story about intolerance: My fiance, a gay couple and me were driving and some other car was closing in on us and fast. (Lets call the couple Jack and John) He had lots of room to overtake us, but for some reason insisted on staying stuck to my bumper. Jack and John were in the back and after a few moments I said to myself "just overtake me, idiot". So everyone was looking through the back window and saw a couple of what we came to call "trendsetters". So Jack reached over and started kissing John passionately. Within seconds, the other care overtook us at full speed and raced off into the distance, while we were laughing all the way to our destination.

    Now, while funny, it also shows a spectacular and sad amount of intolerance towards gays. My point however is, that even though Jack and John were shown intollerance in the most obvious of ways, neither of them cared for a single second.

    As for your work Sebastian, being a teacher is somewhat different in my opinion. In a professional capacity, a teacher should be human but otherwise void of preferences in a political, religious or sexual while at work. Since they function as an example of impressionable and shapable minds, the idea is to allow them to make up their own minds rather than provide an example of what they could be. So, I wholeheardedly agree with your decision to keep your kink private there.

    Finally: TV shows. There is a rather extended series of stories connected to BDSM in CSI:LasVegas. It starts out (I think) in season one and the dominatrix things revolve around is continually referenced and involved in later storylines. I always thought it interesting because unlike most, this show dealt with both spheres, the power exchange and most importantly, the concept of BDSM as something completely normal albeit different. They spend rather a lot time talking about BDSM as a sexual & social concept and very little time actually showing the kink stuff.
  9. WrathofThor

    WrathofThor New Member

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    I'm entering the field of alternative medicine and involved in a lot of bodywork such as acupuncture, which requires a great deal of trust from patient to doctor because the procedure is potentially harmful if done incorrectly and in many cases can be fairly painful/emotional. What would your reaction be as a patient to find out your acupuncturist gets sexual satisfaction by beating his girlfriend with a belt?

    Truth of the matter is that the intent and emotion behind the experiences are like night and day: one is to get my rocks off and one is a mix of professionalism/compassion, a sober state of mind with the intent of guiding the body towards balance and healing. However, since most lawsuits that result in losing one's license come from sexual misconduct, I'm going to try my best to avoid ANY allegation that could be filed against me.

    So coming out could cost me an entire career. Therefore I wear the mask of the shaman and let myself become their magic man, and the only person who really needs to know is my partner. But I'll slip hints to my closest friends because you have to admit that SM is a skill - I'm getting pretty proficient at flogging and it's hard not to open my big mouth because I'm proud of it! Sometimes I'll make sexual jokes (especially with the wooden spoon in the kitchen) and drop a hint with friends, but it hasn't gone farther than that yet.

    Strange, though, how we have the need to label ourselves as something to affirm it as a part of our self-identity. I caught on before my girlfriend, but it took us about a year of being kinky before being able to fully feel comfortable with naming ourselves as sadist or masochist and incorporating that into how we view ourselves. So far coming out to ourselves has been the toughest part!
  10. WrathofThor

    WrathofThor New Member

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    I agree completely. I believe it's a sign of an underdeveloped personality or out of bravado, because there is only so far you can share your sex life without actually doing the act. Things like music and art are universal experiences that we can all share, but to most of us sex is not. I feel that if I begin to identify too strongly with my sexual identity I fall into the trap of being addicted to sex and spend less energy in more useful and self-developing acts. I'm an extremist so I have be careful about my obsessions.

    But like you said, sometimes it can be really funny and I wish we could all learn to just laugh at one another. I saw a gay couple sitting in front of me at an outdoor bar (where I live is tropical), one looking very hard with piercings and tattoos and the other was burlier but softer in features and manner. The hard one ordered the other to get him cigarettes from the bar and soft one did the passive thing and casually ignored/denied him, at which point I heard in a surprisingly flamboyant voice: "If you don't get up I swear to God I will slap you in front of all these people!" The soft one remained in his seat and was gifted a sissy, drunken slap right across the face. Then they kissed. All of this literally 2 feet from my face. It was great. No bravado or need to make an announcement: "I'm here and I'm into this!". Just fun being themselves.
  11. HelenaB

    HelenaB New Member

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    Thank you for such interesting comments.
    I agree totally with
    Originally Posted by P.S.Eudonym
    If there is one thing I can't stand, its people who define themselves through their sexuality exclusively in public..

    I'm who ever and what ever I feel like at any given time. I don't feel that anyone should have to wear their sexuallity as a badge. I have not told everyone around me about my kinks, its more some have worked with me and when your tied up with someone its hard not to guess. Others have just figured me out over time.
    I would never force who I am or what I like on anyone who was not interested or did not wish to know. After all I don't want to know about everyone I meets love life. Yuk what an awful thought.

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