First: hello, then a bit about us, then questions...

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Sweetpea and J, Aug 29, 2012.

  1. Sweetpea and J

    Sweetpea and J New Member

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    Hi everyone,
    New to the site (as my post indicator will indicate) and new to bdsm.
    I say new but I guess the 'new' bit relates to actually doing it.
    I think if I am honest then I have always had 'leanings' towards this type of sexual play and have just not been brave enough to admit it.
    Many reasons for this, but the most important is my total lack of self worth.
    I have little to no self esteem and after having my two kids my body shape became a big issue.
    For several years myself and J had limited to no sex, but recently I have found my mojo and we have started on this incredible journey together.
    J is the dominant role and I am happy with that.

    So, questions...
    How have you guys gotten over the hang-ups?
    What is the feeling towards the larger bdsm indulger?
    Best ways to move our new relationship forward in a slow yet productive way?
    Good things for newbies to try?

    I realise you may have questions for me... Thats fine... Ask away.

    I am looking forward to finding all about bdsm and sharing ideas etc.

    reading this back I realise it sounds very rushed so i'll elaborate.
    I'm on my laptop now as opposed to my Iphone so I can (technically) type better.

    J and I have been together 10 years now (married for 9 of those) and have until this point been having vanilla (?) sex.
    I have always had darker desires and our sex has always been 'rougher' but nothing too extreme.
    Thus far we have now delved into a more BDSM relationship and have tried bondage, spanking, ball gags and latex.
    I suspect we have much further to go on this journey but still I find I get a little upset by my body etc.

    I would for example love to watch porn with J but I worry because I have this idea that all the women are thin, perky and hotties! LOL

    I am turned on by bondage, latex and rubber etc... being whipped and spanked and i guess there will be other things we discover that we both enjoy.

    My questions still stand if anyone has any advice but also i guess I just want to know that these doubts are normal and can be overcome?
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2012
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  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    I don't have much time to reply properly right now, but before I do have to ask anyway- what hangups, and what do you mean by "the feeling towards the larger bdsm indulger?"
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  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Sweatpea, am I correct in thinking that you're overweight and worrying about how being overweight will fit into BDSM? If I'm right, here are a few things to think about.

    1) If you and your husband are both ok with your weight, great! Indulge in whatever play you two enjoy, and don't worry about what anyone else enjoys. Heavy set men and women can be doms or subs just like perfectly proportioned men and women.
    2) If you like fetish gear, corsets, rubber, French maid outfits, or whatever, wear them. Fetish clothing is not about looking good. It is about wearing something that makes you feel sexy. If wearing a bustier makes you feel submissive and slutty (or whatever), then it doesn't matter if it looks the way it would on a supermodel. Fetish gear is about embracing your sexuality for yourself, not to please anyone other than your master.
    3) If, on the other hand, you want to lose some weight, you can use BDSM to help motivate you. You want to please your master, so if your master tells you to work out and lose weight, then that's what you have to do, just the way you have accept spanking when he wants to spank you. So you might ask your master to set some weight loss goals that he will reward you for achieving or punish you for missing. But only do that if it will be a positive incentive and not a source of bad feelings, insecurity and negatively. BDSM should bring you pleasure, not make you feel worse about yourself.
    4) I can't say for sure, but if gay porn is any indication, there is chubby woman porn out there. If your husband likes plus-sized women, I strongly suspect you can find fetish videos with plus-sized women in them.
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  4. Roland

    Roland Member

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    Go on Xtube and you will see tons of amateur BDSM video that features overweight couples.
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  5. Sweetpea and J

    Sweetpea and J New Member

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    Thanks for the messages.
    Yes, smallest I think the others have nailed it by guessing that I have insecurities about my weight and not lookong good in say latex or rubber.

    My relationship with J is not (yet) a master/slave one but more, at present, an exploratory one.
    Having said that, I do feel motivated by the urge to please J and feel sexy for him, so I guess I should use this to my end and set myself little goals.

    Since writing this message I have been exploring some amateur porn and indeed have seen women of all shapes and sizes.
    This was an eye opener!

    I suspect the way forward is to enjoy what we've got going now, for me to continue to loose weight at a slow and achievable pace but also to learn to love myself.

    Does anyone know of any good places to get fetish wear in larger sizes?

    Once again, thanks.
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  6. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

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    The weight thing can be tough for us ladies but as you have seen there is porn for all shapes and sizes.

    I have trouble sometimes with my self image but my partner always tells me he loves the way I look and finds me sexy and seeing his reaction when I get dressed up in something is enough to put my self doubt away (albeit temporarily). It helps that he prefers thicker girls and likes a big booty etc so I know he's not attracted to the scrawny girls anyway.
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  7. Sweetpea and J

    Sweetpea and J New Member

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    I've always been a bit wobbly but after 2 botched c-sections I also have a severe overhang which renders teeny tiny knickers impossible as they simply shrivel up and die amidst my flab! Lol lol lol.
    In fact we had a rather amusing moment last week where some latex knickers I purchased simply rolled up and under my over hang despite every effort on my part to keep them up!

    Moral of story- granny knickers all the way!

    I have another question actually-
    Is it possible to conduct a Dom/slave relationship within a regular relationship on a part time basis?
    By which I mean, can J and I have an equal relationship with regards to everyday things such as kids, money etc and a sub/Dom relationship in the bed room?
    How do people work this? Does it lead to issues in terms of keeping the balance?
    I enjoy being submissive but don't think it would work in RL as we have two children and jobs etc... But I feel the need to be submissive within our sexual life.
    Simple question I guess but I just wondered how other couples managed their relationships?
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  8. not so vanilla

    not so vanilla New Member

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    Hi there, I'm new to all if this so not sure how much help I'll be!
    I can definately identify with your body hang ups! I'm not plus size but I've always battled with my weight and worried about how i look despite my husband constantly telling me and showing me he finds me attractive! I have two children and my body has changed loads because of it. But hey that's life! I'd never want my old body back in exchange for my kids!!! I have lost weight recently and am trying to lose more and am starting to exercise to tone up but I don't intend to put things on hold until (if ever) I reach my goal weight!!
    Maybe try looking for sexy lingerie which covers the bits you don't like, I used to buy those sheer loose fitting tops which have a fitted bra bit then a flowey type bit which comes down to the top of the thighs. Sorry bad description I know but short of time!
    On your other question, although I don't have any experience of it as we're also in the exploratory stage! I have no intentions of having any sort of 24/7 power exchange! Our power exchange will be sexual only, he gets to demand sex when he wants and choose how we do it as long as its within our agreement eg. not after 10.30pm week nights, only when the kids aren't around etc and within the hard limits we set on what we would not be willing to do. We do make references to 'later' even when the kids are around and also family members, but its always subtle enough that they wouldn't have a clue what we're actually talking about!!!
    So as I said I can't say for definate from experience that it can work but I think if you know what you want and what your partner wants then talk about it in detail you can reach an agreement and give it a go. And if some things aren't working just change them!!
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  9. Sweetpea and J

    Sweetpea and J New Member

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    That was actually a really helpful reply.
    The limits and rules you and your hubby set are a good idea.
    J tends to not like that sort of thing tho... Finds it too structured.
    But we can work on something that suits us both.
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  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Sweatpea, you and your husband can have whatever sort of relationship the two of you enjoy and can maintain. So yes, you can be equal partners everywhere except the bedroom. In fact, that's probably the most common form of BDSM relationship. Although 24/7 slavery is held up as a some sort of fabled ideal among kinksters, the majority of BDSMers don't want it or choose not to establish 24/7 slavery. Many subs don't want to surrender that much control, and many doms don't want to heavy responsibilities of being that dominant. And even for those who do want it, many choose to forgo it because they don't have the experience, or they don't have the temperament, or only one of them wants it, or their family situation or work situation prevents it. So you can be a total slave in the bedroom but completely equal (or in fact, somewhat more dominant) in other parts of your relationship. Do what works for you and makes the two of you happy.
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  11. Sweetpea and J

    Sweetpea and J New Member

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    I don't think I'd have it in me to be a total 24/7 kinda sub.
    Too dammed bossy.

    Again, these relies are so helpful to the newbies here so thanks for taking the time to reply.

    I suspect eventually we will have to sit down and discuss some 'rules' bit that will come in time.
    J is worried it will 'burn out' if we go too fast but as I said to him, if it's a need in you and something you enjoy and want then a) it's not likely to burn out and b) we should make the most of it!

    I do like the idea of one night a week/ every two weeks being his total slave sexually?!
    Maybe that's a good place to start... I suspect he'll go for that idea!

    I am still at that slightly embarrassed stage where I have ideas of what I'd like but still get a little shy. Having read other people's posts this seems common.

    Silly really tho... It's not like we just met after all.
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  12. Roland

    Roland Member

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    Remember, it will take a long time to grow into this and reach a dynamic that you both enjoy, but the journey to get there will be full of revelations. Enjoy the journey and approach it all with love. Good Luck!
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  13. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

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    Like everyone said, there is no rule it has to be 24/7.

    I am far too independent and dominant in my everyday life to relinquish control to my partner on a permanent basis but inside the bedroom (or anywhere else in the house come sex times) I am completely submissive. We would never want our kids to notice anything so it's fun messaging each other from different rooms when they are awake or him coming up and whispering something in my ear that has me anticipating like crazy!

    I agree that you won't get burn out if it's something that is an integral part of you, that happens more with those who are just dipping their toes in but find they don't really enjoy it enough to continue. Embarrassment is common and that's why I tell everyone to write, write, write it down.

    Weight wise, having kids is always going to have some negative impact on your body but my man never even mentions anything, I honestly think he doesn't even notice. That is what I love about him, he just sees me, not the stretch marks or wrinkly belly skin! I'll put on something I think looks awful but when I walk in the room he practically drools so its all good ;)
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  14. Yes sir

    Yes sir New Member

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    My husband/Dom and I are pretty new to this (just over a month) and I have always had issues with my body. I always figured that after I lost weight then I would be more active in bed. The funny thing is I have all but forgotten my issues BECUASE we are more active in bed. Don't let your weight stop you from enjoying this. This has made me so much more confident and has done wonders for my self-esteem. If your husband finds you sexy then listen to him.

    Also, as far as the "part-time" bdsm. We have 2 kids and when we are not in the bedroom we are mommy and daddy. We may send eachother dity texts or he may pull my hair when he kisses me in the kitchen. But nothing that anyone would notice. We kinda have a rule that when the bedroom door is closed I am 100% his. He chooses what we do and I obey. Of course if the kids are sick or something then that is put on hold. It is totally doable and actually really makes is quite sexy knowing that I have to wait until the kids are in bed (for at least an hour) before I get to submit.
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  15. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

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    @yes, sir - I totally get that. Sometimes I'm counting down the mins till bed time and can feel him watching me with that look. It is SO FREAKING HOT :D

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