Confused sub

Celeste · Feb 5, 2012

Hi everyone. I've been lurking for a few weeks now but this is my first post.

I'm a sub. I first started experimenting with a friend also interested in BDSM a couple years ago. We played together for about 6 months before stopping because we were both getting more emotionally involved than we anticipated. It's been probably a year since we've played. We recently started talking about playing again and I've been really excited. He's the only Dom I've ever played with and I trust him completely. We played with a lot of bondage (my favorite), some dripping of hot wax, air play (which knowing what I know now we won't be doing again), and just lots of domination.

We live in different states currently and have been doing some playing by phone. It's been really nice and I've really enjoyed talking to him every day. But I think I'm getting too emotionally involved again. He's busy this weekend and didn't have time to talk or play with me. I feel so alone because of this! Which is silly because I have plenty of other friends. But I really look forward to our play sessions, even though it's by phone for now.

I'm wondering if I should end it now before he moves here (for work, not me). We've both been upfront that we want to play only and aren't looking for a relationship. But I feel myself getting so tangled up. I hate the way I feel when he doesn't call or play with me. But I was also looking forward to playing again. I haven't ever felt comfortable enough with anyone else to play with. We've been talking about trying new things, some flogging, nipple clamps, gag and blindfold, all things I've wanted to try. I'm so confused! Any advice? I appreciate all your comments

Nuka · Feb 5, 2012

Talk to him and ask him how he's feeling about it. Communication is key.

May I ask why you both don't want a relationship?

sebastian · Feb 5, 2012

Emotional involvement is pretty common in BDSM, especially sub to dom. Submission involves becoming very open and vulnerable to the dom, so it tends to lower the emotional barriers we normally erect to keep other people at bay. Sex itself is a bonding activity, so BDSM sex is doubly so. And wanting the dom's attention, feeling lonely when you don't have it, and so on is also common with subs. Some subs crave that feeling of loneliness, because they read it more as powerlessness than loneliness. But if it's unpleasant for you, there's nothing wrong with it; it's your reaction and it's valid.

So what to do? As Nuka said, you need to talk to your dom. In BDSM (and honestly, in most vanilla relationships as well), communication about the issue should be your first tactic (or perhaps your second tactic, if you're the sort of person who needs to think about her feelings before she says something). Explain what you're feeling and tell him what you want. Ask him how he's feeling. After all, maybe things have changed for him; they seem to be changing for you.

Are you sure you don't want some sort of relationship? It sounds to me like you're beginning to want something more serious than just an occasional fuckbuddy. I think it's important that you tell him how you're feeling and ask him if there's room for something more serious here. If he's willing to talk about that, try negotiating something that works for the two of you.

But if he's adamant that he doesn't want something serious with you, then I think you should stop playing with him, because the odds are that you're going to wind up getting hurt. Don't keep playing with him on the assumption that eventually he'll come around to wanting a serious relationship (it could happen, but isn't likely, assuming he said he didn't want something serious). That's a common mistake--my first slave made that assumption, despite my frequent explanations that it wasn't going to be something permanent.

Celeste · Feb 6, 2012

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. I don't want a relationship right now because I'm fresh out of a nasty divorce to a very vanilla guy. I'm talking missionary only for 10 years! So I'm really enjoying being free. I still have some fantasies I'd like to try- 2 men at the same time is one of them. My Dom does not want anything to do with that. I'm worried that if I jump into a relationship with him that I'll be stuck all over again. We have talked in the past about if we get together that we would have an open relationship and be able to play with others. He's recently told me he's not ok with that anymore. I just don't feel ready to be tied down again. He wants a relationship and has openly told me so.

I talked to him today and let him know that I had a rough time this weekend because we didn't talk. He apologized but I feel bad for making him feel guilty. We decided to just talk occasionally for now, no play, until he moves here. Then we'll re-assess. I'm just scared that I'll never find another Dom, so I don't want him to get mad and leave me. Honestly, the thought of trying another Dom excites me. But I don't know how I could find one that I trust. He's always said that if we ever went to a private party or club that he wouldn't share me, but I want to be shared. I guess I need to have a long talk with him about all this...

sebastian · Feb 6, 2012

Those are good reasons for wanting to stay single/uncollared for the moment, but it does sound to me that at least part of you is seeking a relationship. But holding off with this dom until he moves to town also sounds smart--it will give you time to 'be single' and see how you like it.

As for finding a dom, there are lots of options. Try the kinky dating sites, like Fetlife (not exactly a dating site, but you can put up an ad there), Collarme, or Alt.com (if you are willing to spend a little money). Try the vanilla sites like Match.com or Chemistry and put some descrete hints in about your kinky side--note that you're SSC (safe, sane, and consentual) or that you really liked movies like 9 1/2 Weeks and Secretary (both about BDSM relationships) or that you like Rihanna's S&M. Also, look for the munch in your local city--it's a BDSM social meeting. They usually meet in fairly public places like a mall food court, a local bar, or coffeehouse, so people dress very discretely, but they're good places to get to know your local scene. If your town has a women's sex shop (you know, the shops where a woman would feel comfortable buying a vibrator), you might inquire there about BDSM groups. Sub women do need to be a little cautious about dom men, since some guys who think they're doms are just abusive assholes, so talk to a guy by email and phone before you meet him somewhere public, like a coffeehouse.

But trust me, assuming you don't have huge dating disadvantages (like several kids, or being extremely heavy-set, or something like that), you will find decent dom men to date without too much trouble--there are always doms seeking intelligent subs who are serious about playing. And if you do have some disadvantages, figure out ways to minimize (work out to lose the weight and tone up, consider getting a make-over, or invest in some clothes you look and feel sexy in), and guys will start considering you. (I say this as a guy who had to rebuild himself after his husband left, and I know that it works). Good luck!

Celeste · Feb 6, 2012

Thanks Seb! I really appreciate your response. I'm wary of going to a munch in my city because it's rather small. I am only a few hours drive from several big cities so I'll have to look there. I just worry about someone finding out about my BDSM desires and it negatively impacting my career so I'm very wary who I share with. Luckily I don't have many dating disadvantages so I guess that helps

. I do have a little girl but I'm not heavy set. I'm a size 6, which my ex thought was fat but by golly aren't women supposed to have curves?! lol

I do have some insecurities with dating, just as a result of the verbal abuse from my ex over the years. So I know I'm definitely not into humiliation play. I'll look into those websites. Thanks for the advice!!!

sebastian · Feb 7, 2012

Celeste, most BDSMers understand the need for discretion. And keep in mind that the only way someone at a munch could out you would be by outing themselves as well. And if you only give a first name, or use a pseudonym (which is fairly common in the scene), you should be ok.

Confused sub

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