Sexually Confused

SplitInTwain · Feb 17, 2011

Alright, so, I've been having a lot of issues lately, and I'm hoping that I can gain some insight from the good people here.

I'm a 22-year-old college student majoring in english, though I really have no passion for literature or anything that I have learned. I don't know where my life is going, and I'm generally bored with everything, save two things: fantasy and sex.

Now, to explain, I have played a computer game where one roleplays as different characters for many years, now. I found gratification in living exciting lives in a fantasy setting that I could never live. But I've also found almost all my sexual satisfaction from these games as well. I would roleplay characters that were dominant ladiesmen, or ones who were submissive and no-one wanted to be with, and this helped me ignore my otherwise rather dull life.

However, I've noticed a disturbing trend. While I find great satisfaction in playing a character that is what I, in my mind, would like to be (a stud, successful and powerful, with many friends and lovers, great in bed and great with words and turn of phrase), I simultaneously found great sexual satisfaction in having that destroyed. That is, if my fantasy character had a lover, as much as it was satisfying that my character had a lover who hung on his cock and wanted him alone (and it WAS satisfying), it was far more AROUSING to have that character emasculated. That is, it was a huge fantasy for the women of his to leave him to fuck other, stronger, better men. And I feel like I want a promiscuous girlfriend who will cheat on me or sleep around or will have great studs fuck her silly as I watch. I almost want her to just be so satisfied, she'd leave me, but on my mind, I know that I wouldn't want that. I would feel emasculated, depressed, insufficient, and I don't want that. But yet... I sort of do.

In real life, I'm technically still a virgin, because, for the three girls I've tried to fuck (one of which had a weird muscular disorder so she moved like a zombie, another which was very fat and would only do it with the lights off, and yet another who was semi-retarded and just ugly as shit), I have been totally unable to get and maintain an erection for them. I get hard just fine to my fantasies in my room at home, but for them? Nothing. It's not that I'm nervous. I don't feel nervous. To be honest, I don't feel anything at all. No arousal, nothing. At most, maybe I feel annoyance or embarrassment at my inability to get it up, or disgust that my partner isn't as attractive as I'd want her to be.

So my concerns are multiple. For one, I'm concerned that, even though, based on porn and the fantasies I jack off to, I'm not attracted to women in real life, as though I've been spoiled by some hyper-real image of what they should be or something. For another, I'm worried because, if I ever DID get a girl, would I be satisfied unless she was sleeping with other men or humiliating me in some way? And if she did humiliate me, would I really want that, or would I be depressed?

And, finally, I have just a very black and white view of women in general. And men, for that matter. If I meet an attractive girl and she's at all nice to me, I immediately assume it's because she wants to be with me. If I find otherwise (which is pretty much always the case), I feel slighted and cheated. What happens most often is that she's with someone else or has no interest, in which case I resent her and the men who she hangs around (or her boyfriend).

I hate men who are more attractive than me. I find myself comparing my own body and looks to those of other men everywhere I go. I check out guys far more than girls, but not because I find them attractive (although I can sometimes get the urge to jack off to some gay porn, but it's almost entirely straight for me). It's so bad that I can barely enjoy films. Movies are full of hyper-attractive men, and I find myself hating the characters and hating the films because of it, even if they're really great films that I would otherwise love. My black and white view of those around me has begun to further isolate me.

Now, I don't consider myself particularly into BDSM or anything like that. The idea of kinky sex doesn't get me in any particular way, but since this deals with dom/sub, I hoped that someone could offer some insight for me. I'm really quite puzzled.

Thanks in advance for any insight or advice offered.

sillylittlepet · Feb 17, 2011

wow uhm, I think the first thing to do is get rid of your negative and unhealthy view of women, that might be a good place to start. Real life is not a video game and most people have depth. You might want to try getting out of the house more, go to more college events like lectures or social events. Just try it, you dont have to get crazy!
Why are you so obsessed with the way you look? No offense, but are you like really overweight or have bad skin? Maybe you could... I dunno... exercise more to try and lose weight and/or tone your body.

It sounds like you might be a submissive man who wants a dominant woman. There's nothing wrong with that (BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD READ THE FAQ, JUST IN CASE YOU'RE CONFUSED IN ANY WAY ABOUT WHAT BDSM IS)

Again, I'd start with your bad opinion of girls (and guys. but it seems to a little heavier on the women's side)

Chances are pretty good that watching porn and playing video games hasnt "ruined" you. Especially since you still find regular girls attractive, you just... I dont even know... some kind of bad opinion man. Gotta get rid of it!

sebastian · Feb 17, 2011

I'm gonna be blunt, Split. Based on what you've said, you're an asshole. You seem to have contempt for any woman who might be interested in you. You've evidently pursued emotionally vulnerable women because you think they're all you can get, and all you want them for is to fuck them, and then you wonder why you can't get hard with them. You hate any man that you might think is better than you, which suggests an intense inferiority complex, and yet you want the humiliation of having your girlfriend (whom you loathe) cheat on you with one of those guys. You live in a fantasy world because you find your own life boring. From all of this, I think I can see why women don't want to go out with you.

The good news is that being an asshole is frequently a treatable condition. So here's what you need to do. Get a life. Stop playing video games and focus on actually having a life. If your life is boring, start doing interesting things. Read some challenging books so you have things to talk about. Get involve in a political cause or volunteer for a charity. Exercise regularly. Learn to focus on other people instead of yourself and learn to care about them and what they have to say. Doing things like this will make it more likely that an attractive women will find you interesting. In general, people are attracted to people who make them feel good about themselves (dating ugly, handicapped women in the hope that you can fuck them doesn't make a woman feel good about herself). Also, self-pity and self-loathing are huge turn-offs for pretty much everyone. So lamenting about how lousy your life is will simply drive away potential partners.

As far as your fetish is concerned, you're into humiliation and cuckolding. You enjoy the humiliation of a girlfriend ignoring you and choosing another man to play with. It makes you feel pathetic, but in a way that arouses you rather than just being unpleasant. My guess is that it's tied into your self-loathing and the hostility you feel to men and women you consider superior.

I don't like being blunt, but I think you need it. The only way your life is gonna stop being boring and filled with self-loathing is if you take the time and effort to change it. No one else is gonna change it for you, and a hot girlfriend isn't just gonna spontaneously fall out of the sky into your lap

sillylittlepet · Feb 17, 2011

Its not that playing video games is a life ruiner in an of itself, I personally play a lot of games. But, I'm also part of a large online gaming community and have interests outside of video games.

So we're not saying dont play video games, we're saying have a life outside of said games

P.S.Eudonym · Feb 17, 2011

I'll put it as bluntly as Sebastian, you're primary problem is yourself.

You have the privilege to go to college and you chose a prestigious subject which you do not enjoy. You profess to be bored with the world and to live only for a fantasy world of your own chosing. You have constructed a view of the world that is neither real nor builds on experience but your own perception of how the world should be. Now you are facing the consequences of your actions and are disapointed and unhappy.

Frankly, you have set yourself up in a situation that perpetuates itself to feed your troubles and keep you in a position were you can safely pity yourself with lots of blame to go around for anyone except the one who is truly responsible: yourself.
You are bored with your studies, but you do not look for something that interests you and instead chose to stay bored. You want to experience a relationship and friendships, but you rule out any possible candidate from the get go for superficial reasons. You even explain away this rejection by blaming society for spoiling you with a superficial image. You are, in short, buying into your own propaganda.

In my non professional opinion, your view on women and men are mere symphtoms of the fact that you do not perceive reality as it is but as you feel you deserve it. Sexuality seems like a catalyst to me here, because your urges are, unlike your mind, something you cannot truly control. You seem to compensate for that lack of control by setting yourself up for failure, because a success would mean that your cycle of dull existence without responsibilities would break down.

As SLP said, there is nothing wrong with playing games and fantasies of any kind really, as long as they are in fact that: games and fantasies. For you, I don't think they are. They have become the primary focus point of your life and extend heavy influence on your real life decisions. (For example, I could easily argue that your choice to continue styding literature is motivated by the fact that your lack of passion for it gives you more time for everything else.)

I am still new to this, so others may want to correct me here, but from what I have gathered so far, the threshold between a BDSM submissive person and a psychological disorder is that a BDSM submissive choses to submit while actively knowing that she/he has the power to stop to submit at any point and most importantly, submits because she/he derrives pleasure from it.
A psychological disorder on the other hand is characterized by simple submission without concious choice either for or against it in a way that makes you a non functioning person. Looking at how you set yourself up for failure, I'd consider professional help to be a valid option.
And even if this assertion is wrong, you might want to consider it anyway if only to get a fresh pair of eyes on the entire picture, instead of the likely censored one you present to us. Normaly friends are good for that, but since your behaviour rejects the notion of friendship, a professional with no investment in you whatsoever might be exactly what you need.

sebastian · Feb 17, 2011

P.S., you're right that one of the critical criteria for healthy BDSM is the conscious choice of the sub to submit. Without that choice, BDSM can become extremely unhealthy and abusive. I'm not sure that Split rises to the level of a psychological disorder, but your suggestion of counseling is a good one. A good therapist may help him work through these issues.

SplitInTwain · Feb 18, 2011

Hmm... Well, I greatly appreciate the replies.

I've been re-considering my position, keeping in mind what everyone has said. My initial statement may have been a bit more blunt than is strictly so. Specifically, I said that I had a very black and white reaction to women. This is true, but there is possibly much more to it than that. For one, the community I'm in is small and clique-y, so there aren't many options for gals. Most that are single and available are that way for a reason, such as being huge drama queens, half-insane, etc. As for my "hate," it's more of an initial dislike on further thought. It doesn't really affect my reactions to them in the sense that I'm not openly hostile or anything, but I may be innerly jealous or somewhat grumpy about the whole situation, depending on the specifics of the situation.

I would definitely agree that my view of reality has been heavily skewed on account of living a sheltered life, having moved a lot growing up and so never having had many friends or really become familiar with the people or places I am around, and lived in an isolated and dull community where fantasy or sports are about the only escapes for individuals, and I chose the latter.

There are no local psychologists for me to see. The best option I have is the campus councilor, and I will see what he says (I've already made an appointment). I'm also very good at painting myself in a negative light.

I almost wish I was an asshole. If I were, I'd care far less about these matters and wouldn't be hesitant or bothered by my internal feelings. And, besides, Assholes Finish First.

Any other input is welcome.

sillylittlepet · Feb 18, 2011

Do you live like in the middle of nowhere?

or a tiny island?

Dianne · Feb 18, 2011

Some of your first post reminds me of myself a little.

I've focused the past few years playing online games pretty much 24/7 to escape how unhappy I've been with real life. I'm socially awkward as well. My problem with dating is the opposite of yours, somewhat. The people I hang out with, or used to hang out with, were/are perfectly sane people who are attractive. The only problem with dating is me.

I mostly feel insecure about being around attractive people, but I don't hate them. I tend to often feel like the ugly one in the group even though most of the people I talk to have never expressed that I was unattractive or generally unappealing as a person. It all seems to be in my head. Mostly because, like you, I've never really been close to people or had people in my life I would honestly consider friends.

This is mostly due to what I feel about myself and the environment I grew up in. In my whole life there have been very few people who have honestly insulted me about my appearance and personality. Unfortunately, part of those people were my very own family. So you can imagine why everything has unfolded the way it has.

I start college this fall and hopefully that will be my coming out as far as being anti-social these last few years.

SplitInTwain · Feb 18, 2011

Good luck, Dianne. It's terrible to hear about you being insulted by your own family. Hopefully your friends reinforce you to make up for it.

I'm not particularly insecure about my looks, at all, unless I happen to be around someone especially great-looking. I wouldn't call myself socially awkward, though. I'm not shy. Hell, I can whip off my clothes in front of total strangers (was a nude model for a while in college-if anything, I was too bold, as I'd casually stand, naked, next to the artists and check out their work).

And yes, Silly; I live in flyover midwest USA in a town of 6,000.

Sexually Confused

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