Newbies, lesbians, both survivors, need tips...

[rose4Mistress]

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My wife and I have been together a little over a year. We recently discovered we both enjoy BDSM, and have really similar fantasies (her from a domme/switch perspective, and me from a sub perspective). We are both domestic violence and sexual assault survivors, so the going has been a tad tricky, and we've had a few more triggers than we were prepared for. We're still very new to this, and I think we may have jumped in too fast (although that provided some great lessons right off the bat, too).

So, some issues we're coming up against are how to be assertive as a sub (I find it really hard to speak up when I'm purposely putting myself in a submissive situation); resources for survivors, and for lesbians; and feeling safe when we've both been triggered at the same time.

We have both tried BDSM with former partners, with disastrous ends. We're talking constantly, and thankfully we have this solid, trusting, loving relationship to build on...but it's still rough at times. Any thoughts, suggestions, links, books, articles...anything would be helpful. Thanks so much.

 

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[sebastian]

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Being assertive as a sub is somewhat a contradiction in terms. While you are being submissive, you aren't supposed to be assertive (unless your domme likes dealing with feisty resistance). Rather, I think the place where you should be assertive is outside your play sessions. Talk to your domme and establish a list of hard and soft limits, so that you can trust her to not go further than you are willing to go. Establish safe words that allow you to slow down or end play if something comes up suddenly. If you do run into a land mine, stop play and talk about it as soon as you feel able to. Remember that your domme is not the person who abused you previously, so that if you find yourself suddenly feeling angry, remember that it's probably not her you're angry at.

Your domme needs to know what to do when you find a land mine. Do you need to just sit down and be alone? Do you need to blow off steam and hit something? Do you need to be held and comforted? Wrapped in a warm blanket and allowed to discuss what you're feeling? Figure out what is most helpful in those situations and make sure that she knows what to do. And remember that she's not psychic. If you're not giving her feedback or using your safewords, she has no way to know what you're feeling.

 

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[rose4Mistress]

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Being assertive as a sub is somewhat a contradiction in terms. While you are being submissive, you aren't supposed to be assertive (unless your domme likes dealing with feisty resistance). Rather, I think the place where you should be assertive is outside your play sessions. Talk to your domme and establish a list of hard and soft limits, so that you can trust her to not go further than you are willing to go. Establish safe words that allow you to slow down or end play if something comes up suddenly.

Thanks so much, Sebastian.

I'm having a hard time even using the safe word. I read somewhere about using stoplight colors when trying something new, so that she knows where my limits are, and we're planning to try that, too. We've talked about having some sort of constant communication while in play (because I have a hard time with any words that don't feel submissive...giving any feedback about limits is scary for me, and I thought practice might be good). I'm thinking that if we can make it sound and feel like part of the play, it would feel much safer to me, and I'd be able to speak up a bit better.

We are both interested in having a 24/7 relationship, but this has been where our biggest downfall is. I don't want to give so much that my physical needs are being ignored, and she doesn't want that much responsibility. We need to find a balance that works for us, and where we both feel our D/s sides are being honored, while our formerly abused selves also feel safe and strong. We keep hearing that every D/s relationship is different, and has its own balance, and I think if we work at it, we can eventually find that balance...but it's going to be hard, and it's going to take a lot of time and communication. Any thoughts on this would be great.

Thanks again!

 

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[sebastian]

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Using a safe word when you need it is very important. Your domme needs to know that you will stop play if you are unhappy. That's true in most d/s situations, and I think particularly true in your case. So you need to get over your reluctance to use it when needed. And I don't think you should use words that fit into your normal play scenes. The point of a safe word is that it is an unambiguous word that sends a clear signal to your domme. If you settle on words that fit into your scene, your domme might miss them and that would be disastrous in your situation. So as difficult as it is, I think you need to simply accept that you have to learn to use them. You might arrange with your dom to do periodic 'color checks', where she asks you for a color, and you give one that reflects your needs. Color checks don't take more than a couple of seconds and they can keep a scene from going badly awry.

I understand that when you are feeling submissive, you don't like giving feedback. But the ability to give feedback, to stop or modify a scene when there is a problem, is what keeps bdsm play from becoming abuse. And knowing that you have the power to stop a scene when you're unhappy is what keeps you from feeling abused. Furthermore, I'm guessing that your domme probably has some worries about crossing a line and actually harming or abusing you. She may be afraid of becoming the abuser that plays at when she's domming. She needs to know that you will give her the guidance she needs to avoid traumatizing you. Even if you aren't comfortable using safe words for yourself, think of it as a way to serve your domme, to help her become the best domme she can be. If it helps, arrange for her to order you to do this, to train you to give feedback.

If I'm harping on this, it's because you can't do successful bdsm without effective communication. If you stop communicating with her, eventually she's gonna take you someplace you don't want to go, you're gonna get upset with her, and the relationship (and you) will suffer as a result. I'd suggest making safe word practice your next area of work.

 

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[uniongirl]

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You could also have your domme require you to provide the green signal periodically. This gives you the opportunity to instead say yellow or red when you might not feel comfortable just saying it out of the blue. Basically she can check in with you by asking you for your safeword, then you get to select which one you say.

 

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[rose4Mistress]

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think of it as a way to serve your domme, to help her become the best domme she can be. If it helps, arrange for her to order you to do this, to train you to give feedback.

I'd suggest making safe word practice your next area of work.

That makes a TON of sense. Definitely going to do that!

Unioingirl, I like that, too. Thanks so much!

 

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[Infinia]

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don't know if this helps but from my experiences it usually helps to playfully talk during play. i have some medical conditions my mistress has to watch out for so she keeps me talking though every scene to make sure i'm fine. it's in play but she twists it enough so i can tell her how i feel while still keeping the part. hope that makes sense.
as for safewords we had some problems with this cuz i kinda like the forcefullness so i yell stop alot and deffenetly dont want her to stop. so we started thinking of the most mood killing things possible because she does need to stop straight up when somethings wrong eventually came up with banana deffenete killer and so not part of any scene.

as for being assertive i think that has alot to do with communication my mistress and i are trying out the 24/7 thing and learned there are things i know best about doing so we established a rule that if something is in my area of expertise like cooking or computers i get the last say and she listens to me as long as i say it respectfully and show she's still in charge she just values my input.

i've had problems with violence in my youth to and some things do trigger heavy emotions but the key is using your safeword and then telling your mistress why and how you feel and let out the emotions and if you cant get over some triggers she will avoid them and if you can shell try and work you trough it gently.

as for being abused my mistress is very very violent by nature she's like a walking time bomb some days. the point is realising how her personality goes and being there for her and if she cares for you she wont abuse you and if she goes a bit to far be submissive, be gentle, be calm and tell her respectfully that that is pushing you to much and youd appreciate her not doing it.
its all about establishing your limits and knowing them both of you knowing them, work them out and you wont go over the line into madness right

 

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