new and need punishment suggestions

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by phillyskin, Jan 28, 2011.

  1. phillyskin

    phillyskin Member

    Hi, I'd like to start by saying that I've already read the newcomers faq. So let me start by describing the situation.

    The girl that is acting as my sub (and introduced me to this) is an old friend/former girlfriend. However she is already in a relationship with a dom. The playing we do is only through conversation/im and fantasizing. Furthermore her partner isn't aware of the fantasizing we're doing.

    However we are moving to a point we're we'd like to bring at least some of the play into the real world, which brings me to my question.

    Does anyone have any suggestions for punishments I could order her to administer either over the phone or through the screen that will inflict pain or humiliation, but won't leave marks or be noticed by her partner? We've had some discussion on our limits and desires so anything suggested is helpful, I just won't use those that we find to be inappropriate for us.

    Almost forgot, any help is much appreciated, thank you!
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2011
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Ok, here's the first thing you need to do. You need to order her to tell her dom about you. Playing with another dom's sub behind his back is a huge no-no. Bdsm requires honesty and trust, and the situation you're in right now will prevent either from developing. If she's hiding you from her dom, what is she hiding from you? And if you don't respect his authority over his sub, why should she respect your authority? How can you trust a sub who you know is lying (at least by omission) to her dom? And if she won't do it, you need to walk away from her and find a submissive women to explore with. Trust me; there are lots of them.
  3. phillyskin

    phillyskin Member

    The reason I haven't done so is because I respect her relationship, and apparently within the boundaries of their relationship this is acceptable.
    Also, please remember I've literally only been playing at this for three days. My only real previous experience with bdsm is some very light play with an ex (minimal bondage, pretty much), some porn and she suggested I watch Secretary to better understand what she was describing to me.
    What's there to keep from me? Our relationship is friendship and fantasy, I know what's going on with hers and, the status of ours.
    I get what you're saying and I expressed some misgivings with her already. I'm also under the impression that her girlfriend is acting as dom for much the reason I am, to please the sub (which is still something of a head trip for me). Whether her girlfriend is going to be upset by this or not I don't know, but I've left it to her to do what she feels is right for her relationship. Also her girlfriend knows I exist, I've met her, but as far as I know not about our fantasizing.

    Oh. and yes I'm well aware she may be misleading me as to how acceptable this is for them.

    I've been reading for a few hours and you seem to give good advice, so please advise away.
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2011
  4. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    Be honest with her dom. You just contradicted yourself, you said it would be okay in their relationship and then a few sentences later you said you dont know what the dom's reaction will be!! You've left it to the sub to do whats right because its her relationship? Well then dont be a part of her relationship and stop "playing" with her. What if the sub is intentionally cheating on her partner without you realizing it? Regardless of what you actually decide, I can guarantee that almost everyone here will advise you to be honest with this girl's dom

    Why play with a sub who already has a dom? She's your friend and former ex (red flags immediately come up there) but honestly I have no idea why that matters. A non-friend can be just as helpful and gentle and willing to take it slow with you as a close friend. And it doesnt run the risk of screwing up said friendship.

    Advise: Tell the dom, get a new sub
  5. phillyskin

    phillyskin Member

    Actually it's not a contradiction, I specifically stated that the impression I've been given is that it's ok. As far as I know the only reason she hasn't discussed is because my relationship with her is unique (To put it simply our romantic relationship lacked resolution).

    Either way I thank you both for the advice, I'll consider today and discuss it with her tonight. I'll let you know how it goes.
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    A big part of the issue here is that bdsm is really built on trust and honesty. Think about it. If someone is tying you down, you need to trust them that they understand what they're doing and will stop if you ask. Bdsm is in good part about lowering the barriers to intimacy that people normally maintain, which produces honest, open interactions (even when you're playing out a fantasy of some sort). If you start playing in a situation where she's holding stuff back, either from you or about you, the foundational trust and honesty has no opportunity to grow, and it's likely to had bad results one way or another.
  7. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    Well PS... looks like this didn't go the way you expected. Even though you're probably wishing you had asked the question differently, I'm glad you got here.

    Here's why;

    What Seb and slp are saying is that your situation is begging for trouble.
    So the circumstances of your relationship get more attention than the info you seek.
    It's even worse that the girlfriend/Domme knows who you are.

    Your only perspective on their relationship seems to come from what she tells you, and she could be misrepresenting. Remember that.

    Let's take this to another perspective. She is deceiving someone who ties her up and most likely does things to her that cause pain. Do you trust that if she finds out, she will not take it out in session? The general rule is that rage and bondage don't mix well.
    So by your compliance with her game, she may wind up hurt. You can't trust that it will conclude with the gf just walking away.

    I have been here. It ended our BDSM relationship for a long time, because I knew that I couldn't trust myself not to harm her because of my anger. Eventually I got over it and we survived. Yep... I harmed her anyway. Guess it was still there.
    What's her gf gonna do? Does she trust her Domme to do no damage?... Do you?

    Your comment about the fact that this is just fantasy... and it might actually be made physical should tell you that she is interested in you in more than just a casual sense. I've known lots of women who "just want to be friends" (not the break up kind) when what they really want is to lure you into a relationship or possession situation.

    Sounds to me like you haven't seen the consequences of this kind of thing to often. I have, and I've got a feeling that Seb has too. She could be young and confused about what she wants, or she could just be greedy or a player. You're there, so you'll have to figure it out.

    I'm not condemning you, nor do I think Seb and slp are. Flags just go up for this kind of situation.
    I've been there (been you), and each time I thought the juice was worth the squeeze. It aways ended up with me not being able to trust her, and it always ended.

    Keep both eyes open on this one, but try to get her to do the right thing. The only reason not to tell someone about a situation like this is that they are afraid of the reaction they're gonna get.
    Maybe you could get her to come clean and you could both dominate her together.

    Bottom line is that if her Domme pays attention like I would, she'll know. Be ready.

    Getting back to your original quesion;

    There's not that much you can do to cause pain, that doesn't leave "any" evidence.
    I thought right off the bat about rubber floggers (tit whip), hairbrushes, insertables, and the like. Anything that is done, "can" leave some discoloration or mark cause to get it done right you have to practice. Even then, your skin changes depending on lots of factors, especially womens skin.
    Clothespin marks usually go away within a few hours or a day, but not the nasty kind. They bruise.
    Candle wax doesn't normally leave a mark, but it certainly can. Depends on how high it drops from , how much, and what kind of was it is. And it mostly depends on the kind of skin she has.
    Over time with practice you can beat her, do stress bondage, water play, e-stim, brushes, even spanking, without marks. But this really does take practice.

    You're better off inflicting pain on her in places where she could have done it herself so she can pass it off as kinky masturbation. (which it is right now).
    Later, you can practice on her, but in the same general areas. If she has her own flogger, pretty much anywhere she can hit herself is fair game. Get to know what works on her and what degree of activity will leave marks. Just remember that the difference between redness and bruising with a flogger is in which part if the tool hits her, just like your hand or most anything else.

    How's that sound?
  8. phillyskin

    phillyskin Member

    No, no, I don't at all regret asking the question the way I did. I'm the type that is always seeking more information and this seems like the right place to get it, I can tell you guys actually care about what you're into, and it certainly seems that you care what goes on with us.

    I mentioned the advice given by Seb and SLP to her earlier and we're having a conversation later about exactly what we're going to be. Either it will end in what is hopefully a positive way, and I think the most likely outcome is that we'll simply go back to just being friends. If the situation seems to warrant a continued relationship any further than that, then I will insist that either she tell all to her girlfriend so that everyone is fully aware of what the dynamic is (not exactly a preferred option, as I know it's almost certain to end badly), or that the other relationship end completely.

    L8NightQ, thank you for your advice, whether it will get put use or not will be determined tonight. I do know a bit about different levels of damage done by different items and pressure, but only through the type of work that I do, you are absolutely correct practice and care is needed for this type of relationship/sex play.

    Well, either way it turns out I want to thank everyone for their advice and the care shown for all involved.
  9. phillyskin

    phillyskin Member

    Here's an update.

    I'm going to give the girls false names for the sake of simplicity. I'll call them Anne and Betty, Anne's the one I've been talking with, Betty is her girlfriend. Basically Anne decided to talk with Betty on her own. Apparently Betty has been playing the dom role on occasion so as to satisfy Anne, but doesn't really enjoy it. They decided between the two of them (no input from me) that Anne would be allowed to pursue what we've been doing (and more), so long as it's a playtime only type of thing.

    Anne and I discussed this and have agreed to try this out, but with full understanding that it's likely to not work out, for many reasons. So all eyes open and everyone informed, and I'll be hearing this all from Betty in person, to be sure that there's no misrepresentation. And now I only have to worry about marks that would be difficult to cover.
  10. Nuka

    Nuka Member

    This is where you have to be very careful if Anne is your ex. The whole development of feelings again etc. Perhaps involving Betty some way will allow a check, but also allow Betty to join in and ultimately enjoy the time that Anne is having?

    But yeah it's good that something is being done and that Anne has come clean etc, just be careful you don't fall into the trap of an emotional tie, one you must already have with her from when you dated last time.

    This is a rather interesting scenario, if you don't mind keep us updated on what Betty says/thinks and all that jazz.

    Good luck pal.
  11. phillyskin

    phillyskin Member

    yes, we've discussed the possibility of an emotional tie forming. There's definitely an emotional involvement there already, (I'm actually quite a romantic, which makes this whole thing slightly weird for me). However we've decided that as long we're both aware of that possibility and make the decision to end this portion of our relationship if we feel that that's happening.

    Involving Betty is out of the question, Not only do I not desire that, but Anne wants to make sure that the two relationships stay separate.

    What she's going to think of this whole thing is going to be quite interesting, since she's aware of the previous relationship. Plus she doesn't know me from adam, to her I'm just a random guy from the internet.

    I'd be happy to continue discussing this with everyone here, it's seems like the right place for now. Plus spending some time reading has given me a bunch of ideas for playing with Anne. It's really interesting seeing how her attitude towards me has changed in just the past week.
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    There's a lot of room for romance in bdsm. What is more romantic than giving yourself entirely to the person you love? And for many doms, part of the deal is taking care of and protecting their sub, even if that means that being the only who gets to hurt the sub.
  13. phillyskin

    phillyskin Member

    Not quite what I meant. It's actually almost two separate comments. The love I have for her (not the same as it was, of course) is the romantic bit. Just the way I was raised hitting a woman is a concept that still makes me slightly uncomfortable (quite difficult to describe the sensation, almost like something distant buzzing in your ear), even though I know it's for pleasure, which is the other half.

    Your comment about taking care of and protecting the sub hit home for me. Partly cause part of her fantasy as a sub is to be a princess, partly because the romantic notion of protecting her appeals to me.
  14. phillyskin

    phillyskin Member

    Well, small update. Anne i guess came to her senses or whatever and has decided not to go through with it. So, who's available? Just kidding. Thanks for all your advice and help, I may stop in from time to time, and if i find myself in a relationship with a new sub I'll be sure and come back.
  15. Nuka

    Nuka Member

    It may be disappointing but it will be easier in the long run tbh.

    And please do stick around, you never know what may happen :p

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