Dealing with ex-masters

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by hopefulsub, May 6, 2010.

  1. hopefulsub

    hopefulsub Member

    So my best guy friend and I had started a D/s relationship, I being the sub. It was both our first time doing it, but we both loved it. As mentioned in previous posts, it went south and we stopped. We're still good friends, but I don't know how to stop feeling like his sub. He's been trying to get me to keep my submissive side, specifically based on my clothing. His intentions (he says) are not to order me to wear what I wear, but to keep that part of me from slipping away. He asks for pictures so he can see, and tell me I look great to encourage me to keep dressing like who I "really" am. The whole thing is very reminiscent of when he was my dom and I dunno how to stop feeling that way.

    So I guess my question is have any of you stayed friends with your old masters/subs? Or did you make a clean break?
     
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  2. Sounds like he's having trouble letting go too. Im a firm believer when a relationship ends, there needs to be some clear time apart to allow both parties to move on emotionally. He no longer has any right to try to ensure that your submissive side doesnt "slip away". Youre not his sub, it's not his concern. I know that sounds really cold, but it's the truth.

    Too many people have a really hard time letting go, and for whatever reason, a harder time when it's the first D/s relationship. There's always the fear in the back of your mind that you will never find something like that again, the thought that you failed as a sub, or some other nonsense that we ALL feel at one point or another.

    My suggestion is to distance yourself from him. Explain that he can not ask for pictures and that while it's very nice that he still cares about you, he needs to do so in the appropriate context of a friendship. (I'll bet you none of your other male friends as you for pictures like that). Just like youre having trouble letting go of being his sub, He's having trouble letting go of being your Dom. Totally natural. While one day, you guys may be able to be friends again, I suggest some serious distance for now to allow yourself time to reestablish as an individual.
     
  3. hopefulsub

    hopefulsub Member

    That sounds like some good advice. I just became dependent on him as a friend, then as a dom. Especially since it was my first time, and his as well. Space seems really difficult though.
     
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  4. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    oohhh my goodness.

    Dont you have a new boyfriend?
     
  5. hopefulsub

    hopefulsub Member

    well my bf and I went on a break because some bad stuff was happening there. My best friend and I just kinda... well collided I guess. I have made some poor decisions, I'm not trying to defend myself. He was just really sweet, and we got into this and it was amazing. Then he stopped being so nice. When I got back with my bf we ended it. But it's still tense between us. He's got a gf now too. I think it was just b/c we did something so crazy together we just can't let it go.
     
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  6. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    I think you just distance yourself from him for awhile

    I dont have experience with ex-masters, but as far as ex-boyfriends go I'd say do stuff away from him. Dont hang out with him, to things with new people, dont text or talk to him as often. I know you guys are friends, but try to hang with other friends.

    Do you still kind of like this guy?
    If yes, then really really really move away. I've held on feelings for years because I stayed really close with ex-boyfriends and didnt give myself a chance to recover and get over it. Sounds like he needs that time too, then just back away. Make it easy

    Technically you're both seeing new people, so you want to minimize this weirdness between you.
     
  7. hopefulsub

    hopefulsub Member

    I mean, I rarely hang out with him anyway. We rarely talked on the phone. It was a lot of texting and IMing. We saw each other a decent amount when we started being friends, but then I went to school so we don't see each other that much. I try to stop texting but he has always been my closest friend, so it's hard to break the habit ><
     
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  8. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    what? I guess I'm kind of confused about what your problem is

    unless this is just a discussion thread lol
     
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    It's going to take some time apart before you can be friends again. Trying to be friends right now is just going to make both of you unhappy.
     
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  10. hopefulsub

    hopefulsub Member

    it's basically we were really good friends. and i want to keep that part around, just not the master part.
     
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    You can't. Not right now. Perhaps in a while, once you've gotten past him. But right now, regular contact with him will just prolong your unhappiness and his unhappiness. And this has nothing to do with d/s stuff. I'd be saying the same thing if it were a totally vanilla relationship.
     
  12. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

    "Things never end well or else they wouldn't end."

    Distance yourself, and soon, or you'll swiftly see that not only is continuing in this path toxic for you, but also will damage your current relationship and future ones as well. If you find it hard to do, please realize that taking the step from friend to an intimate relationship very seldom lends easily to going back to just friends, and in the end, you may not be able to have that friendship back. He is who he is, and you are who you are, and that is what lead to this situation in the first place. if you find it hard to distance yourself from him, my alternative advice is to find a new master, so you have the security of saying to him that your clothing choices are that of your NEW masters, and not his. This will allow you to set the boundries that should exist in the relationship.
     

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