New sub seeking Veteran sub advice.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Izrail, May 3, 2010.

  1. Izrail

    Izrail New Member

    In summary.....
    My current situation is that my first Dom experience is something outside the realm of my relationship with my romantic partner. The "agreement" with my Dom will be ending in a week when he goes off to a four year tour of service. Thus far I have done my best to separate what happens behind closed doors and our public interactions but I am afraid that when he leaves I will develop an unhealthy attachment to him. My question is for more experienced sub's than myself, How do I handle the end of such a relationship without having inappropriate feelings? Any suggestions are welcome, again I am new to this type of partnership and have no "formal" training or knowledge.
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  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    I would treat it like a normal relationship.
    Do you have one night stands? Or super brief relationships?
    Its just like that.

    After its over, do all the things you would normally do and get him out of your mind. Dont think about him or the experience too much. Well maybe the experience, if it was good. If you really crave the experience, look for someone new.
    If you really crave him, look for someone new.
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  3. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    wait.... is he your boyfriend?!
    I'm a little confused now, are you breaking up with him when he leaves for his service?
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  4. Izrail

    Izrail New Member

    He is not my boyfriend. Just a "friend". This is someone I cannot and will not pursue a romantic relationship with both because they are leaving and because I am not their "usual" type.
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  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    At the risk of being a little cliche, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. Find a Dom to do a little playing with. Let him no that it's not about romance.
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  6. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    Welcome izrael. Glad you made it.

    All relationships cost and all relationships teach us something new. I don't think you will get out of this completely the same, even though you framed it like it was no big deal.
    Each one takes us closer to, or farther from our center (even if you're a heartless user).

    If it was good enough to miss him, you're gonna miss him. I hope you're better for it.
    I say this, assuming that your "inappropriate feelings/unhealthy attachment" are those of longing for him based on the notion that your current romantic partner might notice.

    There's an old saying that "When you touch a man sexually, you touch him sexually, but when you touch a woman sexually, you touch her spiritually" This may not be true for some, but I/ve seen it played out this way many times.
    For me, intimacy came before, and, especially after good sex. But for many women I've been with, the sex was enough for them to develop that attachment (which makes for an uncomfortable imbalance).
    This may be useless for this particular point in your time, but it may come back to you in your next "play only" relationship.

    I agree with what Sebastian and sillylittlepet said before. Find something (and someone) else to do and it will fold into your past well. Since you already seem to have someone else to do, maybe it's time to share your feelings with him. And try to be active in groups like this to understand better who and what you are.
    You are certainly not the only one who's been in this situation.

    Like others, I'd like to understand more background though. How has this (outside the realm) changed your current relationship? Do they know each other?...... or are you just afraid that your disposition might be noticed?

    Good luck.
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  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I have to agree with L8. In some ways, it seems like you're trying to shield yourself from the emotional impact of your dom's departure. It's a natural reaction--who wants to get hurt like that?--but it will probably force you to cut yourself from some of the connection you've established with him, and all that's going to do is reduce your ability to learn and grow from the experience. It won't stop you from getting hurt; the hurt will just manifest in some other way. And think of it this way: whatever pain you feel from losing this relationship is a marker of the relationship's value to you. If you keep yourself from feeling that loss, you're telling yourself the relationship had no value.

    L8: I do have to take exception to your statement about sex and gender. Now, admittedly I've never slept with a woman, but I have slept with a fair number of men, and I've found that sex between two men, even very casual sex, can forge an extremely deep bond between them. It is not necessarily a romantic bond, but it's a friendship bond (so-called 'male bonding' in its deepest and most honest form). Try watching a guy get fisted and then say that there's no bond of openness and trust built between them. And if it's predicated on a mutual understanding that the sex is for fun and not necessarily romance, it's very equalized, regardless of what sort of power imbalance may operate during the sex.
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  8. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    I personally believe that two people can totally have sex and not have it mean anything and not really be any closer. I mean, just cuz you slept with someone doesn't actually mean you know anything about them. Maybe they're really, really good looking and that makes you think about them, but thats it, if thats all you make of it

    That's just me though, everyone is different.
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  9. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    Seb and slp - Point taken, but we all know that these kinds of relationships are by their very nature, more intense than normal. The saying related to me but I do understand your point. Sex, in and of itself has not affected me the same way it seems to have affected other women I've slept with..... but come to think of it, that was not the case on the BDSM side. In those cases, both of us were extremely affected.

    I hate it when you guys make me think about my own shit.(LOL)
    Last edited: May 4, 2010
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  10. Izrail

    Izrail New Member

    Thank you very much for the responses thus far.
    In the spirit of Anonymity and as requested I will provide a little more relevant information to describe My situation.
    The Dom does know my boyfriend (Acquaintances at best), but the boyfriend does not know what is going on between us and I do not intend to tell him. My relationship with this boyfriend is coming to an end by my choice, because it has escalated from unhealthy emotional abuse to physical intimidation and abuse in a way that is not appropriate outside of the bedroom.
    The end of the "agreement" is the end of My D/s relationship with the Dom but we plan to continue being friends as that is how we started. When my Dom and myself made this agreement we decided that there would be no emotional connection beyond friendship.
    This arrangement is the most beneficial and possibly most healthy way to both grant me the opportunity to live out my desires and let me start living my life the way that I would like to.
    I actually spoke with the Dom today and let him know that I had posted this question on a board so he is aware of my concerns, but working with me to avoid making an emotional connection beyond our exploits. After all, this is not about him, its about me. :)

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