New Master in search of guidance

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by ^v^Sultry^v^, Jan 29, 2013.

  1. ^v^Sultry^v^

    ^v^Sultry^v^ New Member

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    Hi everyone!

    I am new to the role Master and am in search of some pointers. Someone that would take me by the hand and give me advice on how to be the best and most effective Master I can be. My pet is a new member here and recommended I join so here I am. :) I have never had the pleasure of being in a relationship with such an amazing pet. (she is also my wife irl) She knows she is a rebellious handful and as I mentioned before she recommended I come here to gain insight and a helping hand. As of right now we are talking alot figuring out boundaries and guidelines. Feeling everything out. So far so good we are both very happy to be on this journey we have decided to embark on. From the light research I have done many things seem pretty common sense. Im not sure where to begin so we may have the strongest foundation possible. Any and all advice would be so appreciated.

    Thank you for reading and thank you for any tips ya'll may have for Me.
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    It sounds like you're starting out well--talking a lot is critical. Have you read the Newcomer's FAQ? It has a lot of things that might be useful for you, including a reading list. As a new dom, I strongly recommend that you do a lot of reading.

    In my opinion, after learning about safe play and basic techniques for things like bondage and pain play, the most important thing for a new dom is to learn confidence, and particularly confidence that you have the right to make demands that your sub will obey. For example, if your sub has agreed to sex on demand, build a habit of demanding sex when you want it, even if its not convenient for her. Unless she's doing something where stopping would be a serious problem (for example, if she stops cooking in the middle, food on the stove might get burned or it will take a lot longer to get food on the table), learn to demand that she stop what she's doing (cleaning, reading a book, surfing the internet) and come over to suck your cock or bend over to get fucked. This is a very simple form of play that is generally pleasurable for both of you and it encourages both of you to develop in your chosen roles. She's agree to let you be in charge, and she's looking for you to exercise your authority, so don't be timid. Have the confidence that being selfish is actually fulfilling her desires.

    And talk to her about her rebelliousness, because as a new dom, it's going to be one of your biggest problems to developing confidence. If you order her to suck you and she refuses, it's going to undermine your confidence that you have a right to make those demands, and the result will be that she won't get what she wants. Rebellious subs typically want to be forced to obey, but until you get comfortable expecting to be obeyed, rebelling is going to make you hesitate. So make it clear to her that you're not ready for a lot of rebellion on her part yet. Just as she's learning how to submit, you're learning how to command. So ask her to agree to some limits on her rebellion (she can rebel when you tell her to take out the trash, but not when you tell her to give you sex; she can rebel during the week but not on weekends; etc) until you've learned how to be assertive with her.
  3. ^v^Sultry^v^

    ^v^Sultry^v^ New Member

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    Thank you so much for such a prompt reply. I will certainly check out the reading material. I am not so much worried about the sex side of it. My main concern is helping her grow as a pet and as a woman. Things outside the bedroom that will make her a better submissive. Especially right now while I am not there. (long story short I am im the states and she is in canada until my paperwork gets approved to go back.)
    Am I supposed to assign her tasks during the day? (she doesnt work due to extreme chronic social anxiety and depression) I know every Master will cultivate their own style and I will find my niche at some point that will work for Me and her. I feel like I should be having her do things during the day to stave off depression and monotony. She wants to sleep all the time till I get home thinking she will just snap to the moment I arrive. I personally would like to start conditioning her now while I am not there to get her in the habit of listening.(which we are doing alot of talking about what we want out of this new dynamic to our relationship) She is doing well so far, I have only had to punish her once and she obliged beautifully. She is going to make Me a wonderful pet once she is trained. I just want to help her in her journey so she will not only make Me proud but be proud of herself.
    I love anything that bonds us as a couple. Being married and now this new aspect makes me feel so close to her. I know this doesnt make a difference, but I just want to clarify that we are both female. (and yes I know Master is considered a masculine term and Mistress is more politically correct, but she feels more comfy calling Me "Master" and "Sir")
    Thank you again for taking the time to help educate Me. I look forward to learning so much while Im here.

  4. Click here for more.
    Hi Sultry,
    I'm a little concerned about your pet's depression issues.

    BDSM and roleplay can be intense psychological activities. Is she receiving treatment for her depression?

    You need to be sure that any psychological play you take part in will not undermine her confidence. I read your comment about encouraging her to grow as a women, so it sounds like you're already aware of the issue.

    I'm no expert, but I'm told that exercise is an excellent remedy for depression (supposedly better than medicaiton). Why not set her some exercise activity each day?

  5. ^v^Sultry^v^

    ^v^Sultry^v^ New Member

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    Thank you Stanley. :) Yes, we have been together for 3 years. She has been in and out of the hospital and on a number of meds for the depression. Honestly since starting this new lifestyle she has never been better. More calm and at peace. I know its only been 4 days, but the transformation is amazing. Its funny, she is so rebellious, but she responds very well to control. Which helps.
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Stanley's right that BDSM is not necessarily good for people who are having mental health issues, but it can be beneficial in some situations. I would say avoid humiliation play and focus on things that build up her self-confidence; praise her often, tell her she's pleasing you, and so on.

    I generally don't like the idea of giving subs things to do just to give them something to do. A sub's work should be things that make your life easier in some way or which move her toward a goal you want her to achieve, not just make-work to make the sub feel controlled. My slave is overweight, so every month I give him a weight-loss goal for the month, and he will get a reward when he hits a particular goal weight. Since you're concerned about her mental health, I would say identify one or two things you want her to accomplish and make sure she is doing those things on a regular basis (whatever 'regular' means). For example, if she has been out of work and depressed over it, you might give her an assignment to complete 5 job applications a day.

    Exercise and getting out into nature have a very strong impact on depression (as well as on body shape), so maybe one assignment you could give her is to work out for a total of 150 minutes a week, with 90 minutes of those being outdoor activities. She is to document her exercise, keep a monthly record of her measurements, take a weekly picture of her naked body, and send the file to you once a week for you to review and comment on (you could slowly increase her exercise goals, set a weight loss goal, or whatever. The explicit goal is for her to get her body into a state that you find desirable sexually (and subs should always think of themselves as sex objects, with an emphasis on pleasing appearance), but the less explicit goal is for her to do something that will help her mood and her health. The naked pictures bring a sexualized element to it (and perhaps you have her take several pictures, with one being just her naked in a mirror, another her wearing something sexy, and a third her naked and sexually explicit (legs spread, fingering herself or whatever).

  7. Click here for more.
    I just want to clarify if I may. I certainly don't mean to butt in and I hope that I don't step on any toes but since I'm the pet in question I kind of wanted to add my opinion if I may be permitted.

    I can understand how someone would say that depression is a concern but it really doesn't interfere with my submission. I have no problem with humiliation and the likes in fact it makes me feel loved in an odd way. If my Master chooses to humiliate me then I would happily accept it. My depression is more chronic as in it happens when it wants to wether triggered or not it is very rare that something will trigger me to be depressed I guess bipolar just works in that way.

    I just wanted to clarify that since starting my journey into submission I have been a great deal happier and my self esteem has gone up exponentially. Since becoming my lovers pet I haven't become depressed nor have I argued with her. It's kind of like my submission has made me feel more healthy and this is coming from a girl that is in and out of psych wards and the likes. If you've seen the movie "Secretary" I can relate to the main character in how her submission made her a healthier happier person.

    Anyway I'm sorry for butting in I just didn't want any of you thinking I was someone who needed to be handled with kid gloves.

    That's all I really wanted to say.
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2013
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Alice, you're not butting in. Since you're the sub in question, you're a key figure in this thread. Feel free to comment or ask questions as you see fit.

    mental health and BDSM have a complex relationship. For some people, BDSM can be deeply therapeutic, helping them come to terms with abusive experiences, neglect, and the like. It can calm anxiety, teach life skills, boost self-esteem, and so on, all depending on the dom and sub in question. It can create a surprising sense of empowerment (because the sub is choosing who he/she is giving control to). But it can also be very unhealthy. It can erode self-esteem and a positive self-image, it can foster dangerously weak self-identity and an unhealthy lack of boundaries, it can perpetuate abusive relationships, and so on.

    The basic factor, I think, is the sub's psychology. If the sub is coming into BDSM was a lot of issues and uses BDSM to run away from those issues, the BDSM can really compound those issues. But if the sub has a basically strong sense of self, recognizes his/her right to withhold consent, and is willing to look at the unpleasant things in his/her past, then BDSM can be a good tool for that process. Of course the dom also matters a lot. If the dom is attentive to the sub's needs, respects consent, pushes but not too hard, and doesn't neglect the sub as a human being, good things can happen, but if the dom fails to do those things, then he or she can fuck up even a healthy sub.

    Only you and your master can determine what sort of play is or isn't healthy for you. If you have a history of psychological problems, I would suggest being careful about what sort of play you do. Pay attention to how your play affects your moods. Be aware of the issue of sub drop and be pro-active about minimizing it. Recognize that heavy pain play can produce biochemical mood swings and plan your sessions to make sure that you can get the aftercare you need. Tread carefully with humiliation play. If you're on regular meds, be careful about pain play--I'm guessing that it might affect how your body reacts to your meds (since pain play can cause rises and fails in your endorphin levels). That doesn't mean don't do it--it just means be aware of the risks and the limits you may need to accept in order to stay healthy with it.
  9. ^v^Sultry^v^

    ^v^Sultry^v^ New Member

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    Thank you pet. Very well said. This is what I am talking about. When she is around me I completely forget about all her mental disorders. I would have mentioned the bipolar instead of the depression which would have been more encompassing of when her issues are. As I mentioned before the sexual side isnt the issue for us. We have ideas and things we want to try complete with a safe word. For me its the day to day issues of handling a pet. The non-sexual situations because we would like to delve into this on a 24/7 basis.
  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Thanks, that's an extremely useful link I and my Master read over it though I am sad it reccomends not to play whilst in a state of hyper-sexuality. That is going to be extremely difficult for me.

    One thing I think we could both use advice on right now is how to conduct an online relationship with BDSM such as punishments that can be done without her having to be present and wether training is possible whilst over the internet. That is probably our biggest problem is how to conduct this online until she get's home (which should be in about 2 months.

    I looked through the beginners FAQ but found no information on long distance BDSM relationships and I know alot of people on here do it so there has to be some advice that can be given. Or at least I hope there is.
  12. ^v^Sultry^v^

    ^v^Sultry^v^ New Member

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    Thank you so much for the useful link. It was a concern of mine as well. Last thing either of us want is to trigger her into an episode. We are very fortunate that she is very self aware and my love and concern for her keeps us both on our toes. We will certainly be aware. Me and her cruised the FAQ and didnt really find any answers to my original question about how to have her conduct herself from day to day till I get home to her.
  13. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Yeah, we get lots of questions about online play and long-distance training, and most of them are some version of "what can I have my online sub do?" This is a natural question; large numbers of kinksters meet online these days, and few of them are close enough to meet right away. But I find the question a real challenge to work with for a couple reasons.

    1) I suspect that most online 'relationships' aren't real. Usually one person wants it to be real and the other is just exploring or idly playing around, with no real commitment. Obviously that's not the case with you two.
    2) Usually, the dom is looking for ideas to satisfy the sub's desire for something. I think that's a wrong approach. As I indicated above, I think that turns domming into giving the sub make-work. This sort of sabotages the development of the dom's dominance, because the dom is trying to artificially give commands instead of letting the commands emerge from their genuine desires. To be truly dominant, a dom has to learn to give their wants and desires priority over the sub's wants and desires, and this question is pretty much all about satisfying the sub's needs rather than the dom's. That's why I answered the way I did in my second response. So let me rephrase my answer:

    You're thinking about dominance wrong. Don't worry so much about making her feel controlled and don't worry so much about figuring out ways to punish her. In my opinion, needing to actually punish a sub is a sign something is going wrong. (Yes, I know you mean play punishments...) Instead, Sultry, focus on you and your needs. What do you want Alice to be doing while you're gone? What do you think Alice needs to be doing to make your life better and easier? Because to be really successful at domming, you need to realize that this relationship is about you and not her. So don't ask what you can do for her, ask what she can do for you.

    Don't get me wrong; Alice's needs and desires are incredibly important. She has to enjoy what's happening. If she doesn't, she'll eventually become unhappy and leave, and nobody wants that. But to learn to be dominant in a way that feels genuine, honest, real, and powerful, and not just an act or something kinky you do, you need to awaken the part of you that is selfish and me-first and then learn how to be selfish in a way that gives Alice pleasure. Dominance is about being selfish altruistically (and submission is about learning to be altruistic selfishly). Put differently, dominance is about learning to give through taking, and submission is about learning to take through giving.

    So I ask again, what can Alice do to make your life better while you two are apart? Do you want to wake up to a romantic email or a sexy pic of her? Then make her send one every day. Do you want to know that she's thinking about you? Then require her to text you a couple times of day and ask how you're doing? Is there something you think Alice needs to do that she's not good at doing, like lose some weight or work toward a bachelor's degree? Then give her orders to stay on a diet or take a class. Do you want to come home to a sexy, fit sub? Then order her to work out regularly. Do you want to come home to a spotless apartment? Then give her a cleaning schedule to stick to.

    This isn't about her need to have sexy fun while you're gone. This should be about your need to be in charge of her and to shape and guide her life. A sub is supposed to be focused on a master's needs and wants. When the master is gone, the sub doesn't get to have sexy fun, because sexy fun is something the master gets; the sub gets sexy fun through the process of the master getting it. Yes, sometimes I beat my slave because he likes to be beaten and I'm doing it because I want to hold up my end of the bargain, but overall I work to get comfortable with the idea that this really is about me. If you can learn to be genuinely dominant, then Alice will feel genuinely dominated; she'll feel your will as a guiding principle in her life, and she'll feel wonderful that she's genuinely serving you. She will feel pleasure knowing that she's giving you pleasure and making your life easier.

    At least, this is how dominance works for me, and it seems to be the way submission works for the guys I attract. I can't swear it will work for you, because your psyches might be different. But it's the best guidance I have to give on this. Playing games online has never worked for me, because it never made me feel in control in anything but a superficial way.
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2013
  14. ^v^Sultry^v^

    ^v^Sultry^v^ New Member

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    Thank you so much Sebastian. That was most helpful. You are correct. I am not looking to punish her all the time. I DO need to learn to tap into My "selfish" side. I have always been quite the opposite. I was a submissive myself for a long time, then I tried being a switch which I enjoy quite a bit. In Mine and Alice's situation, we have been together for 3 years and I spent all My time treating her with kid gloves so as not to upset her. She assures Me that with this new mentality that she is fine with Me speaking more sternly with her. I just need to work on that. Which I know will get easier over time with practice and positive input from her. We spoke on an incident that transpired last night and realized that we both need to communicate our ideas better. She is not used to having to share and explain everything she does (which she conditioned Me about in the entire time we have been together) And I am not used to being selfish (as a submissive I always put my needs second without fail) I have no doubts that all this can be accomplished over time and especially when I get home.
  15. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    I'm genuinely very giving and nurturing as well. As a dom, the trick is to really embrace the idea that being selfish is being giving and nurturing to a sub. Alice needs you to be selfish in ways that meet her needs. It's a hard shift to make in the our way of thinking, but in many ways it's the essence of dominance.

    If Alice is not used to revealing her inner thoughts, I would make that a priority in her training. I don't allow my slaves to have private thoughts--if I ask them what they're thinking or feeling, they have to answer. And this is something that can work quite well long distance. You could require her to spend time each day writing her thoughts down and then email them to you. Get used to asking her what she's thinking, just at random; text her and require a reply.

    Being honest about feelings is central to BDSM, and as she learns to be less guarded with you, she will learn trust in you, she will bond with you more deeply, and you will learn her moods more clearly and how to address them.

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