New Master in search of guidance

^v^Sultry^v^ · Jan 29, 2013

Hi everyone!

I am new to the role Master and am in search of some pointers. Someone that would take me by the hand and give me advice on how to be the best and most effective Master I can be. My pet is a new member here and recommended I join so here I am.

I have never had the pleasure of being in a relationship with such an amazing pet. (she is also my wife irl) She knows she is a rebellious handful and as I mentioned before she recommended I come here to gain insight and a helping hand. As of right now we are talking alot figuring out boundaries and guidelines. Feeling everything out. So far so good we are both very happy to be on this journey we have decided to embark on. From the light research I have done many things seem pretty common sense. Im not sure where to begin so we may have the strongest foundation possible. Any and all advice would be so appreciated.

Thank you for reading and thank you for any tips ya'll may have for Me.

sebastian · Jan 29, 2013

It sounds like you're starting out well--talking a lot is critical. Have you read the Newcomer's FAQ? It has a lot of things that might be useful for you, including a reading list. As a new dom, I strongly recommend that you do a lot of reading.

In my opinion, after learning about safe play and basic techniques for things like bondage and pain play, the most important thing for a new dom is to learn confidence, and particularly confidence that you have the right to make demands that your sub will obey. For example, if your sub has agreed to sex on demand, build a habit of demanding sex when you want it, even if its not convenient for her. Unless she's doing something where stopping would be a serious problem (for example, if she stops cooking in the middle, food on the stove might get burned or it will take a lot longer to get food on the table), learn to demand that she stop what she's doing (cleaning, reading a book, surfing the internet) and come over to suck your cock or bend over to get fucked. This is a very simple form of play that is generally pleasurable for both of you and it encourages both of you to develop in your chosen roles. She's agree to let you be in charge, and she's looking for you to exercise your authority, so don't be timid. Have the confidence that being selfish is actually fulfilling her desires.

And talk to her about her rebelliousness, because as a new dom, it's going to be one of your biggest problems to developing confidence. If you order her to suck you and she refuses, it's going to undermine your confidence that you have a right to make those demands, and the result will be that she won't get what she wants. Rebellious subs typically want to be forced to obey, but until you get comfortable expecting to be obeyed, rebelling is going to make you hesitate. So make it clear to her that you're not ready for a lot of rebellion on her part yet. Just as she's learning how to submit, you're learning how to command. So ask her to agree to some limits on her rebellion (she can rebel when you tell her to take out the trash, but not when you tell her to give you sex; she can rebel during the week but not on weekends; etc) until you've learned how to be assertive with her.

^v^Sultry^v^ · Jan 29, 2013

Thank you so much for such a prompt reply. I will certainly check out the reading material. I am not so much worried about the sex side of it. My main concern is helping her grow as a pet and as a woman. Things outside the bedroom that will make her a better submissive. Especially right now while I am not there. (long story short I am im the states and she is in canada until my paperwork gets approved to go back.)
Am I supposed to assign her tasks during the day? (she doesnt work due to extreme chronic social anxiety and depression) I know every Master will cultivate their own style and I will find my niche at some point that will work for Me and her. I feel like I should be having her do things during the day to stave off depression and monotony. She wants to sleep all the time till I get home thinking she will just snap to the moment I arrive. I personally would like to start conditioning her now while I am not there to get her in the habit of listening.(which we are doing alot of talking about what we want out of this new dynamic to our relationship) She is doing well so far, I have only had to punish her once and she obliged beautifully. She is going to make Me a wonderful pet once she is trained. I just want to help her in her journey so she will not only make Me proud but be proud of herself.
I love anything that bonds us as a couple. Being married and now this new aspect makes me feel so close to her. I know this doesnt make a difference, but I just want to clarify that we are both female. (and yes I know Master is considered a masculine term and Mistress is more politically correct, but she feels more comfy calling Me "Master" and "Sir")
Thank you again for taking the time to help educate Me. I look forward to learning so much while Im here.

stanley_jeffries · Jan 29, 2013

Hi Sultry,
I'm a little concerned about your pet's depression issues.

BDSM and roleplay can be intense psychological activities. Is she receiving treatment for her depression?

You need to be sure that any psychological play you take part in will not undermine her confidence. I read your comment about encouraging her to grow as a women, so it sounds like you're already aware of the issue.

I'm no expert, but I'm told that exercise is an excellent remedy for depression (supposedly better than medicaiton). Why not set her some exercise activity each day?

Cheers,
Stanley

^v^Sultry^v^ · Jan 29, 2013

Thank you Stanley.

Yes, we have been together for 3 years. She has been in and out of the hospital and on a number of meds for the depression. Honestly since starting this new lifestyle she has never been better. More calm and at peace. I know its only been 4 days, but the transformation is amazing. Its funny, she is so rebellious, but she responds very well to control. Which helps.

sebastian · Jan 29, 2013

Stanley's right that BDSM is not necessarily good for people who are having mental health issues, but it can be beneficial in some situations. I would say avoid humiliation play and focus on things that build up her self-confidence; praise her often, tell her she's pleasing you, and so on.

I generally don't like the idea of giving subs things to do just to give them something to do. A sub's work should be things that make your life easier in some way or which move her toward a goal you want her to achieve, not just make-work to make the sub feel controlled. My slave is overweight, so every month I give him a weight-loss goal for the month, and he will get a reward when he hits a particular goal weight. Since you're concerned about her mental health, I would say identify one or two things you want her to accomplish and make sure she is doing those things on a regular basis (whatever 'regular' means). For example, if she has been out of work and depressed over it, you might give her an assignment to complete 5 job applications a day.

Exercise and getting out into nature have a very strong impact on depression (as well as on body shape), so maybe one assignment you could give her is to work out for a total of 150 minutes a week, with 90 minutes of those being outdoor activities. She is to document her exercise, keep a monthly record of her measurements, take a weekly picture of her naked body, and send the file to you once a week for you to review and comment on (you could slowly increase her exercise goals, set a weight loss goal, or whatever. The explicit goal is for her to get her body into a state that you find desirable sexually (and subs should always think of themselves as sex objects, with an emphasis on pleasing appearance), but the less explicit goal is for her to do something that will help her mood and her health. The naked pictures bring a sexualized element to it (and perhaps you have her take several pictures, with one being just her naked in a mirror, another her wearing something sexy, and a third her naked and sexually explicit (legs spread, fingering herself or whatever).

Abstract_Alice · Jan 29, 2013

I just want to clarify if I may. I certainly don't mean to butt in and I hope that I don't step on any toes but since I'm the pet in question I kind of wanted to add my opinion if I may be permitted.

I can understand how someone would say that depression is a concern but it really doesn't interfere with my submission. I have no problem with humiliation and the likes in fact it makes me feel loved in an odd way. If my Master chooses to humiliate me then I would happily accept it. My depression is more chronic as in it happens when it wants to wether triggered or not it is very rare that something will trigger me to be depressed I guess bipolar just works in that way.

I just wanted to clarify that since starting my journey into submission I have been a great deal happier and my self esteem has gone up exponentially. Since becoming my lovers pet I haven't become depressed nor have I argued with her. It's kind of like my submission has made me feel more healthy and this is coming from a girl that is in and out of psych wards and the likes. If you've seen the movie "Secretary" I can relate to the main character in how her submission made her a healthier happier person.

Anyway I'm sorry for butting in I just didn't want any of you thinking I was someone who needed to be handled with kid gloves.

That's all I really wanted to say.

sebastian · Jan 29, 2013

Alice, you're not butting in. Since you're the sub in question, you're a key figure in this thread. Feel free to comment or ask questions as you see fit.

mental health and BDSM have a complex relationship. For some people, BDSM can be deeply therapeutic, helping them come to terms with abusive experiences, neglect, and the like. It can calm anxiety, teach life skills, boost self-esteem, and so on, all depending on the dom and sub in question. It can create a surprising sense of empowerment (because the sub is choosing who he/she is giving control to). But it can also be very unhealthy. It can erode self-esteem and a positive self-image, it can foster dangerously weak self-identity and an unhealthy lack of boundaries, it can perpetuate abusive relationships, and so on.

The basic factor, I think, is the sub's psychology. If the sub is coming into BDSM was a lot of issues and uses BDSM to run away from those issues, the BDSM can really compound those issues. But if the sub has a basically strong sense of self, recognizes his/her right to withhold consent, and is willing to look at the unpleasant things in his/her past, then BDSM can be a good tool for that process. Of course the dom also matters a lot. If the dom is attentive to the sub's needs, respects consent, pushes but not too hard, and doesn't neglect the sub as a human being, good things can happen, but if the dom fails to do those things, then he or she can fuck up even a healthy sub.

Only you and your master can determine what sort of play is or isn't healthy for you. If you have a history of psychological problems, I would suggest being careful about what sort of play you do. Pay attention to how your play affects your moods. Be aware of the issue of sub drop and be pro-active about minimizing it. Recognize that heavy pain play can produce biochemical mood swings and plan your sessions to make sure that you can get the aftercare you need. Tread carefully with humiliation play. If you're on regular meds, be careful about pain play--I'm guessing that it might affect how your body reacts to your meds (since pain play can cause rises and fails in your endorphin levels). That doesn't mean don't do it--it just means be aware of the risks and the limits you may need to accept in order to stay healthy with it.

^v^Sultry^v^ · Jan 29, 2013

Thank you pet. Very well said. This is what I am talking about. When she is around me I completely forget about all her mental disorders. I would have mentioned the bipolar instead of the depression which would have been more encompassing of when her issues are. As I mentioned before the sexual side isnt the issue for us. We have ideas and things we want to try complete with a safe word. For me its the day to day issues of handling a pet. The non-sexual situations because we would like to delve into this on a 24/7 basis.

sebastian · Jan 30, 2013

If you google 'BDSM bi-polar" you'll find some discussions that might be a little useful for you.
This one seems a little better:
http://www.bondage.com/which/274/show_column.html

New Master in search of guidance

^v^Sultry^v^

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sebastian

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^v^Sultry^v^

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stanley_jeffries

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^v^Sultry^v^

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sebastian

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Abstract_Alice

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^v^Sultry^v^

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sebastian

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