New sub and Master

dozuki · Mar 11, 2013

Well here is what happened. I met a very nice woman on line and it turns out that she wants to be Dominate. So after a little talking I find out that she is a submissive. So it turns out that I am now Master and she is my Pet. I have been reading around the site and remember some of the advice Sebastian and smallest have given to other new D/s. so we are taking it slow and I am making sure we keep all the lines of communication open. I actually told her she had to tell me just what her wants and needs are. Turns out those can be hard to define. And we are talking about everything with totall honesty. Wants,need,family,problems,sex. I think her husband is one of her problems. Any advice you can give will be great fully received. What do you think about having her introduce herself on the forum. She is just sticking her toe in right now and I don't want to overwhelm my Pet. Thanks

sebastian · Mar 11, 2013

So let me see if I have this correct: You met a married woman online who wants to be a sub, and you've started playing with her and trying to find out what she wants, but her husband is becoming a problem. Have I got that right?

So how is her husband a problem? Does she want to leave him or is your relationship with her in addition to her relationship with him? Is she cheating on him or does he know about your relationship and accept it?

Without having all the info, let me give you a few things to think about. BDSM is founded on honesty and openness. It doesn't work without those things. So if she is cheating on her husband, you do not have the vital foundation for this relationship to succeed. If she's lying to him, she is going lie or withhold info from you, so there is no way you can trust her the way a dom needs to trust a sub. Also, if she has to hide what she's doing from him, you cannot possibly have the sort of control over her that you probably want. You'll give her orders (dress a certain way, call me at this time, etc.) and she won't be able to because of her husband. You'll be torturing her and she'll suddenly start worrying about her husband noticing the marks, and she'll tell you to stop. Having to hide your relationship in this fashion is pretty much fatal to effective, satisfying power exchange. So, if she's cheating on her husband, just end this relationship. She might be willing to sub for you, but she's not in a place in her life where it will work and you're going to wind up getting hurt. Yes, maybe she's intending to leave her husband, but she hasn't yet, and you have no way of knowing if she ever will. Additionally, being the other man is beneath you as a dom. You have an obligation to be a trustworthy dom, and helping a woman cheat is not being trustworthy.

So how about if her husband knows about the relationship and is ok with it? You cannot avoid his presence in the relationship, so address it openly. Meet with him and her together and talk about what you mean for their relationship. That might sound weird, but that's how mature adults conduct open relationships. Don't take her word for it that he's ok with it; talk to him yourself.

dozuki · Mar 11, 2013

I think her problem with her husband is that as she says "he doesn't like me any more" and yes she is cheating on him. And i don't think she has any plan of telling him what is going on. Well Sebastian you have given me a lot to think about. this might be a very short relationship. I think your right if she can't be honest with her husband she won't be able to be honest with me either. Thanks for the information.

Smallest · Mar 11, 2013

What Sebastian said, and also what I said here
http://www.smplace.com/forum/568241-new-to-sub.html

Other than that, yes, I do suggest she reads the forum. I also suggest if she thinks her husband actually doesn't like her that she either divorces him or they go into counselling.

dozuki · Mar 12, 2013

Yes you are I right. I think she needs to have a very frank discussion with her husband and discuss options before anything can go any further.

sebastian · Mar 12, 2013

Yeah, I'm sorry Dozuki, but I think you should break things off with her. You deserve a sub who can be honest with you and any other partners. Keep looking--there are lots of submissive women who are curious about exploring BDSM, so you can do better than this woman.

dozuki · Mar 12, 2013

Your right I will keep looking. It seems kind of difficult to find a woman who wants to be a submissive. maybe i have been looking in the wrong places. thanks for the hellp.

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