Entering Polyamory

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by TwistedSister, Jul 7, 2010.

  1. TwistedSister

    TwistedSister New Member

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    My Sir and I have discussed bringing another into Our relationship. I was in full agreement until I found I have some jealous tendancies. I was unaware of them with others I have been with, so this is a new emotion to me. He and I have discussed it and He is aware of how I feel.

    I am not sure if it is pertinent to this, but I am a switch - submitting to only Him. I will not to submit to another. He recognizes this and is eager to assist me in becoming a better Dominant. And I am in my 40's - so I have experienced quite a bit and this jealousy thing is very annoying

    I am still very much in favor of bringing in another and am excited about the idea. I just don't know of a good way to try to get over these twinges of jealousy. He thinks I am more possessive of him and less jealous, but these mean the same thing to me.

    Any one out there have an advice or ideas? Perhaps you have been in a similar position and could let me know how you handled the situation.

  2. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    twisted - If you have even a twinge of the jealousy or possessiveness you mentioned, then you better be the one who picks out the playmate.

    This is a rough road no matter how you drive it.

    How are you gonna decide who's toy it is?.... If the toy is yours and you are his?

    I'll follow this one.

    Good luck. ...... and welcome to the forum.
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Go slow. Like L8 said, help your Sir make the selection and then do a test drive--a single playdate with no guarantee that it will ever be more than that. Once you've played, have a serious conversation with your Sir and be honest about how you felt. If you think you can handle any jealousy you might feel, then talk about making it something more regular with the other sub. But don't force it. Polyamory and open relationships are difficult--I've had many friends who did it, and I've never seen one last long term, although I know of those who have. So if it doesn't feel comfortable, you need to admit that you're not ready for it yet or that you just can't do it. There is no shame in being monogamous.
  4. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Good point Seb

    I too have had some friends (3 couples) who have added a 3rd, then after a while it just didn't work out. With two of them the one who wanted the addition was the one who wanted out. Go figure....

    One other couple who added a friend of mine, just cut her loose after a while and stayed together.
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Of course, all of the polyamorous relationships that I've observed were, so far as I know, vanilla in terms of equality of the partners. In a dom/sub relationship, where the subs understood that the dom had the final say and were willing to abide by that, there is a greater chance that a polyamorous relationship will remain stable.
  6. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

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    I also agree, go slow, COMMUNICATE, and make sure that the partner is shared equally between both parties. my wife and I share several subs, and she, like you, is a switch for me. She's very dominant, as much as I am, but she is my sub... however, we have selected and agreed with every sub that we have, and if one of us feels uncomfortable in the beginning for whatever reason, we don't pursue it.
    There's a lot of wisdom in your guts... follow them. you probably feel jealous because your feeling slighted in some way. if your in on the choice and you share the new member of your family, then im sure you'll do just fine.
  7. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    If you are uncomfortable with his decision just tell him bringing in third party isn't only his decision :)
  8. TwistedSister

    TwistedSister New Member

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    Thanks for the ideas - I think assisting in the process will be good for me. I talked to Him and he not only is OK with it, but wants it that way. I will keep reading here and post periodically. Thanks all ... whew - this is new and sort of rough. But good I think.
  9. TwistedSister

    TwistedSister New Member

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    I talked some more with my Sir. We are going to a play party this weekend. He and another sub have been talking on and off for a bit. He is thinking she is ready for just a little play (OTK spanking - that sort of thing). He wants me to be with them when it happens (assuming it does). I at first thought no. I asked him to tell me what he wanted me to do. He said he would. Sounds like a pretty lame first step, huh?
  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    There's no right speed here. You and your Sir have to figure out what works for you. If this first step is what the two of you agree is a good way to start exploring, then it's right for you. Whether is fast enough for some other d/s couple is irrelevant.
  11. TwistedSister

    TwistedSister New Member

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    Well I am afraid that I have either fucked up or just don't have a clue. I would like advice. I may not take it - I just really need to hear others points of view.
    My Sir was helping another move. In the course of the move, he found a like minded woman and mentioned to her that he was looking for a play partner. After a few emails, none of which I was privy to, she told him there was a sub looking for a play partner. He apparently told her OK, have her contact me.
    I came into the picture when she contacted Him. He and I were together when he got the email from the sub looking for a play partner. That's right - we were side by side reading the email together. The only difference being tat he was aware that he may get an email and I was clueless. In his defense - I have stated that I only needed to know if something other than email exchanges may occur.

    It occured. She seemed VERY interested. And how did I respond? Remotely and I felt hurt. I know I may suck at this poly stuff. But I am trying. All that aside, I told him I felt a little taken aback. I asked him how this came to be. As I saw events the first contact was from a woman who I did not know saying she was really interested in meeting with him and would love to hear back from him, if he wanted to.

    It was at that point he reminded me that he had spoken to another sub about meeting a play partner. I asked how many emails transpired between he and the sub. He said one. Ten I found out it was several. And it was after these 'several' emails that the 3rd contacted Him.

    So when he and i read the email, it took much conversation for all the facts to come out. Byt the time tey had I felt like I had been a total bitch and he had been less than open.

    Anyone care to share their thoughts on what I have laid out here? This isnt a matter of taking sides or anything. I am just trying to understand
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Hmm, so I've got a couple of thoughts, in no particular order.
    1) You said he didn't need to tell you unless it went past emailing. So he hasn't done anything inappropriate in having a discussion with a 3rd party about the fact that he was looking for a sub.
    2) On the other hand, he did mislead you about how many email he had with the 3rd party. Since he was entirely in his right to be having that conversation (given 1), my guess is that when he told you he had only had 1 email he was either a) just oversimplifying the interaction or b) telling a white lie to avoid making you feel he was going behind your back. Overall, it doesn't seem from what you've said that he's actively hiding things from you.
    3) Bdsm requires trust, and he's damaged that trust a little bit by telling a small lie. But he fessed up to the lie fairly quickly, so it seems like a moment of poor judgment rather than something you should really be worried about.
    4) You're upset because a) he told a small lie about something where trust is important and b) because you have some jealousy. These are both entirely natural. Only you can decide how important these feelings are to your relationship. They might be transient feelings you can work past, or they might be very important markers of what opening the relationship might do. An open relationship requires a good deal of trust, so you might decide that his lie, small as it is, is a sign that he can't be sufficiently honest to allow you to have confidence in him on this issue. Your jealousy may prevent you from trusting him enough.
    5) My suggestion is that, if you're interested in going further, the two of you should meet this woman for coffee and just have a long talk with her about what the three of you are looking for. Make it clear that this is just a get to know you session, with no guarantee that a play session will grow out of it. After you meet her, you and your Sir should have a very honest conversation about what you are both feeling. If, after meeting her, you find yourself feeling very jealous, my advice is that you not go any further. Perhaps in a few months or years you will feel differently, but if you simply ignore strong feelings of jealousy in order to play, I think you will have a disaster on your hands. Mild jealousy is something you might be able to set aside to play, but serious jealousy will, at a bare minimum, prevent you from enjoying the scene and at worst could wreck your relationship entirely.

    Remember, even in bdsm, there is no requirement that a sub accept an open relationship if he or she is not emotionally capable of it. And you may not be capable of it now, but might find that later on, when you feel more bonded with your Sir, you're less uncomfortable with it.
  13. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Hey ts -

    Sorry to hear about your trouble.

    Sebastian made some good points, especially the last one. This kind of relationship works only with some sort of shared vision at the start. Even with that, they often fail.

    You need to ask yourself how comfortable you are with your vision of what is going on, but first make sure that you and he are seeing the same thing.

    That's why I asked about who's toy this really is. If you can get off on mutual play with a toy, then fine. Maybe you will sometimes be a shared toy. Maybe he want's to watch. If you see the toy as serving only his pleasure and not so much yours, then your insecurity about that will lead to the jealousy you fear.

    Also, do not accept jealousy as a fixture in your life. I can personally tell you that life is better without it. Maybe your feelings are based on possessiveness and not insecurity, in which case, maybe you really should check yourself, tell him what you discovered, and try to work through it (results are not guaranteed).

    It's starting to sound like this started as a nice twisty pleasure you guys talked about, but now you are going slong with this to please him and you see no good end in it for you or your relationship.

    If so, then tell him that you just aren't ready for it yet, and see how he reacts.... but do the shared vision thing first.

    Once you see the vision of the coming reality, you really need to check with him and match images. Then go adjust, re-create the image.
    What do you see? What do you think of what you see? What should be your next step?

    I still think the only way this has a chance of working is if you do most of the work on bringing her in and on establishing what's going to happen when and if she does come in.

    Just in case this does work, be aware of one more thing. Women are most reluctant to start with three ways, but in the end, men are most put off once their woman starts really enjoying it. It could turn the other way.
    Just be aware of it.

    Hope this helps.
  14. kajmir

    kajmir Member

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    Kajmir's unwanted 2 cents:

    I think it's perfectly reasonable to be jealous, while a Master is not a boyfriend or a Mistress a gf, this is someone you have entrusted with your mind, body and soul. It parallels greatly with having someone as close as a wife or husband in your life. This person, knows you intimately. And well the Master or Mistress has the final say generally, I don't think a sub's feelings should be disreguarded when it is this intimate of a bond.

    Guess what I'm saying is, while some of the Glorious 8 have given excellent advice already and I agree, not that it matter's, I just wanted you to know, I'd feel the same damn way and frankly, I'd deal with it far less graciously then you...Except maybe if my Master goes bi. I could never shares with another female, but I can't compete and therefore feel little compitition with another man as a 3rd party.

    -Looks @ Sebastian- hmm.

    j/k :)
  15. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Kaj, if your Master is willing to submit and has a nice body, I'd consider humiliating him as you watch...If you can persuade Master Jey to show up too, we're on.

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