The Phycology of a Sub' Vs the 'normal' person.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Stargazer, Mar 27, 2008.

  1. Stargazer

    Stargazer Member


    I've spent a couple of days reading around the forum and there are several active threads right now that (almost) cover some of the questions I need to get worked out... But I still have some way to go.

    You see, I'm currentlt undergoing my own little personal crisis. After several years of infrequent light bondage between my wife and I, I've realised that I only really, truly feel comfortable when I'm restrained. Whether it be laying down on the bed, standing against a wall, or just able to move about but in cuffs, I only really feel like 'me' when I'm restrained.

    My wife is a little shy when it comes to anything other than just normal, un-aided sex. She doesn't truly appreciate that the Dom/Sub thing is more of a lifestyle choice as opposed to a sex game. Of course, for me, the sex is great, it's a fantastic bonus, but I don;t just want to get small hits of restraint in our 'play-time'.

    Because she doesn't understand, I feel a bit embarrassed talking to her about it. I'm not ashamed of what I like, nor do I think anything less of those who take it beyond what I would do. I actually envy everybody else who seems to live a successful Dom/Sub relationship because of anything, this is what I long for the most.

    She feels that my attraction to restraint and wanting to be owned and controlled, links back to my difficult, turbulent and shamefully violent childhood. I disagree. Although convincing her other wise is impossible. But we watch a DVD or something on TV and they'll show a scene of somebody being restrained in a hospital or in a prison, and I just ache for her to do something to me.

    Am I trying to bring back something for my childhood, or am I simply seeking a lifestyle that I have grown into? Am I asking too much for someone like her with my requests to live in restraints as much as possible? Am I just a nut-case?

    During part of our far too brief discussion about this a few nights ago, I said that I wanted to live in physical restraint, that it was when I felt like I was getting something I needed. She simply stated that to do that would be treating me like a slave and that she couldn't do that because it's not in her nature.

    I don;t care to be honest if she orders me around or if she just lets me get on with whatever I want to do... But I want to do it in a way that helps me feel the most comfortable. Ideally, I suppose I would like to serve her, I don't want to be an equal, and I feel burdoned by freedom that I don't want.

    Can someone please explain to me what the hell is going on with me because I feel so messed up and confused about what I want and what I'm (not) getting that it's pushing me into depressive mood swings and that ain;t healthy.

    Also, if there's anything you can say or link that I can show her, get her to read and understand my plight, I would be most grateful.

    Many thanks in advance,

  2. curiousgirl

    curiousgirl Member


    I hope i can be a tiny little help, though im not entirely sure. irst, id like to tell you, that im truly inexperienced - still a virgin. So you may say its all bullshit i write and ignore it. Though, i have been thinking a lot what i would do if the one i fall in love with does not understand why i may like to act as a sub? (Even if not a 24/7 one, or not even every time we make love...)

    I do not know if your wishing to be treated as a slave comes from childhood traumas or not, but im sure it is in ones nature, it does not requre any trauma, spanking or anything. I had what one call a perfect childhood, and i was already playing rape with my Barbie dolls. You can tell that your wife:)

    You are by no means a nut. Just couse others think its strange, or abnormal... who cares? I mean not even a hundred years ago left-handed people were mis-treated, forced to write with their right hand, couse they all thought it was abnormal. What you feel is absolutely ok, even if not too common.

    Why i felt the urge to reply was because i can understand more or less both of your problems. Given i pine for someone who would care, love and dominate me, i can understand its bad you cant get what you want. (even if its not the same situ)

    As for your wife... I got bored of my own fantasies, and got on sex-chat to get something new into it... and fate was playing a nasty game with me, i always met guys who wanted to be my subs, so we swapped. As dominating isnt in my nature i can understand what it may feel like for her, though i know thats wastly different.

    I dont think you should push her, that would not get the result. I think you should guide her slowly without her noticing it what you like. I dont think once she can see how much you love it would cause that big of a problem for her. Of course there is no grantee youd get where you want. Or just not as far as youd like, but i suppose any improvement would be welcomed.

    I will list those things i thought up would i have to face such a situation. As i do not know what you two like or prefer, or where her limit is, they might as be useless. (+ i designed it for female sub male top) But if it can give you a few idea its already worth it:) I know the idea i listed arent what you exactly want, but as a first try it may be just close enough. Help to get the stress a bit out.

    I dont know if your wife likes games? How open she is in such situations? You could always say you only want to make your sexual life more colorful, more exciting. Just dont forget to let her know how sexy you think she is, and how much you love her:) women do need that from time to time:p

    So, list of idea:

    1, You could try some of these.. ask to role-play teacher-student. (she my not mind it too much as its not really slave-thing) Ask to be the guy who wants to do some services for a better grade. Than she the teacher can order what she wants you to do for a better mark. You may ask her to be strict teacher to make it more real-like. With a lenient one its more like just sex with a teacher. As youre paying, ask her to be lazy, let you struggle with everything. If you got naked but she kept some clothes, os she just set in an armchair and you licked her on your knees you may feel more "used".

    2, Or.. though i do not know if you like it, buy yourself an anal plug, or a string of balls, or some "jewellery-like" stuff you can put on your cock and wear. Or ask her to buy one for you, so it would be a surprise... for whatever day if you have one recently. or just to make it more colourful. (one reason i opted for chat-sex was that i enjoyed not knowing whats to come - that makes it more exciting. You may tell her that as a reason) Ask her to play... for one i love aticipation. When i know whats coming, but dont know when. (that can be an other eason to give:p ) Ask her to give that plug(or whatever) to you to wear while you go out somewhere, (like work, shopping, whatever) at a compleatly random time. Make her promis she would do it lets see within a week or so. If you can persuade her to put it or on even better.Im sure youd like to hear her say something like: put it in now, and go to shopping:) To make it less suspicios/more exciting/make her understand more you may want to buy some geisha balls for her to play, if she doesnt have one. I dunno if she has one or not... so maybe the advices following might be for nothing. Pic a small one. Les embarassing, easier to put in/out, and more effective if one is doing their exercises. I have a pair too. If ones wearing on street it feels nice, but nothing too exciting. If youre sitting, you can compleately forget they are there.So it would not embarass her. (i know its not what youd like... but could be a good reasining later. ) If she is more naughty you could ask her not to wear panties for shopping or something. While playing these games make sure you ask her less fequent than she asks you, but keep up... Make her see you especially enjoy her asking when its very "embarassing" many people around, having to do exercises etc.
    Onse she is used to playing this, you can tell her how very exciting it is to know she isnt wearing panties/wearing balls. That you kep thinkig of that whole day, and you just had to go to the gentlemens room to relive the stess. I do not know about your working place... but surely they would not appreciate it. Ask her to put a Chastity belt on you when she is wearing balls/no panties, so you cant do it alone. You may suggest you keep one key, so there could not be a prob, im sure its not the same feeling, but if it disturbes you, forget the key at home. Though that would make her feel better about it. And er "reward" playing along would come at night when she takes it off you.Give her an orgasm that curles her toes:) If you can do it a few times, im sure she will do it without her wering balls too.(tipp: if its too much for her, you may try to ask her to put something small, something more neutral on you you cant take off. Like a small chain around your ankle - thats the sign of slavery too anyway. It may just make you feel better a bit.)

    3, An other game. Do you know the game "yes, no, wight black?" The point is you are forbidden to use this words. Change it a bit, so you pick a word for her she isnt allowed to use, and she for you. Just to give it a bit of excitement make a list of housework. The one who sais the forbidden word has to do it. Like washing up, vacum-cleeing, cleaning shoes or so. Excellent when you two are doing housework anyway. Pick "please" "would you" and kind words for her. Than whenever she asks something youll be ordered around + she gets more used to ordering you. Make mistakes on purpose so she would have to order you to do the work:)

    4, I dont know if you like spots or do them a lot or not. If you arent a sport fanatic you could tell her you want to get into a better shape, but yourself alone are too lazy, forgetful, and dont have the willpower to do it. Ask her to "oversee" your exercises and dont let her to cheat on it, couse you need it. (healing exercises for a spine not straight or so would also do+she could not say its not importanat) So she would have to keep ordering you to do it on daily basis. Do keep trying to cheat to make her accustomed to telling you off/telling you what to do. If you are a sport fanatic it would not work, she would never belive you dont want/cant do it alone.(tipp: dont know, how strong you are, but i did karate for a few years, and we had to do press-up while the other had their legs on our back/sitting on it for the very strong ones. You may like the idea just keeping yourself in that position(without press-ups) her legs on your back while she can read a book or something.(so its not boring for her+its more mistress-like not paying attention to you while that) is she felt you moving she knew you wanted to cheat)

    5, ask her to pick your clothes - you cant decide what to wear fot his or that. It gives her authority to decide what you have to put on, and you may feel better knowing she did.

    6, ask her to paint her toenails, if she does not. Help her doing it. If she does not want to let you help, wait till she is painting her nails, couse that needs time to dry. When she cannot paint herself couse her nails are drying, you can do the job. If you do it more and more often she may get accustomed to it - + i suppose youd like to kneel in front of her, "serving" her. You may do a pedicure for her too if she likes/lets. Or foot massage, doubt she would say no. And the was you position yourself may make you feel more like a slave. You can ask to comb her hair too, if its long.

    7, make a "bet" you can make her cum with your hands tied to your back/blindfolded/anything else you want to do. If she isnt taking active part you may feel as serving her.
  3. curiousgirl

    curiousgirl Member

    8, ask her to test your willpower. randomly. She would say things like: today you are not to sit in a car/taxy, use publick transport./today you arent allowed to spend more than this much/today you cant eat something (meat sweets etc.)(if you can top it with she telling you to make that food and not to touch it is even better- she would eat it, so you have served her:) )/this week you cant drink alcohol./Watch as she pleasures herself, and you arent allowed to do anything. Either with her or alone. Or the ultimate one, you make her come, and you do not orgasm. If she gives you something to do /not to do for a longer time it might make you feel better - she gave an order, and yull have to live up to that constantly. If she ask a why... you could always say you lst in a battle of will to a friend of yours, and you need some improvement. Though there is the risk she may want to do the same, you telling her...

    9. Buy body paint and make her write "mine" over you. If she is more open she can suck it into your skin so yould know it all the time wherever you go:) You may also use henna or other washable tatoos.

    Thats all i could come up with. I hope i could be some help. I dont know if you try any of these, but good luck anyway. Pls dont be angry with me if some of them does not work as expected, i wrote these with best interest at heart. Pls let me know if it was any help or not. Others may have better idea. Please note that even if there is a lot of improvement there is the chance she may never be a real mistress to you. But dont give up:)

    Good luck!
  4. Stargazer

    Stargazer Member

    Thanks for all the info...

    For sure, I can see that some won't apply in my case, but there are some tips there that I can move forward with.

    I was at my desk at work today thinking about this, and I got wondering that, my feelings for wanting to be physically restrained is not so much a yearning for something to make up for a lost childhood, but more of a lifestyle choice.

    And when I say lifestyle choice, I mean the kind of choice that chooses you. You hear of people who knew from a very young age that they were gay. I think in my case, I knew from a very young age that I found restraint interesting and comfortable. It's possibly one of those things that was just meant to be. I now have to try and tell my wife this... Sheesh, that's gonna be fun.

    She's going to fight this... I just know it. But on the basis things go a little easier than I think they will, I'll get her to sit down and we'll have a look at what you wrote together. Maybe we can use some fo it to help condition her into her Dominant role.

    I'm still interested to hear any further idea you may have and also if anybody else has any nuggets of wisdom I can learn from.

    I'm going to need all the help I can get.
  5. Alexia

    Alexia New Member

    Try to keep things on a "game" level to start, tell her a simple, easy to swallow fantasy you'd like to try, the more innocent the better! Then have her tell her one of hers. Do them both, then start over, up the ante each time, just be careful not to scare her! This will get you both talking, and, hopefully get her used to treating you as you desire.

    Remember to go slow! Your fantasy should only be slightly more intense than hers, trigger her competitave nature properly and you may, in time, succeed
  6. Alexia

    Alexia New Member

    beyond your wildest dreams!

    Take your time, this is simple psychology so patience is important! If you let her adjust she may take you farther than you thought possible!
  7. Stargazer

    Stargazer Member


    Something most unexpected happened yesterday... Having read the advice given to me and getting myself even more miserable trying to think how best to proceed, being careful not to overwhelm my wife but at the same time trying to convince her I want to go ahead with this.

    I sat down at my PC and wrote a two page essay, outlining how I feel, my thoughts and opinions on why I want to do this, how it will change things, how it doesn't have to change things and how we can still enjoy a healthy marriage.

    I told her there was something I wanted her to read, opened it on her PC and went upstairs to get ready for bed. A few minutes later when she joined me, she was quite confused and upset, but we talked and she now understands that I'm proper serious about going ahead with this and she will now help me and do her best to give me what I want or need.

    It may take a bit of time, but it looks as though things around here are going to change for me. She's said how she's worried about certain things and she's not sure she can go as far with this as I may want her to, but I'm hoping that given time she will get used to it and allow me to live in more extreme levels of restraint.

    I've done some looking around and have found some really nice looking wrist/ankle cuffs on the Extreme Restraints website here. What I was wondering, is if anybody knows of a good place in the UK to get the same thing or similar as I think the postage from the US is going to be shocking and I don't trust customs as far as I can spit them.

    Also, is it possible to get the cuffs without the connecting chain. This way, the cuffs themselves could be semi-permanent and would allow for far greater flexibility in various levels of restraint.

    I can't believe this is finally happening. I just hope it works out okay for my wife because I've not felt this positive in a long time.
  8. Stargazer

    Stargazer Member

    Ahh... The sweet sound of clinking chains, the smell of leather and the constant pressure of cuffs buckled tightly to my wrists and ankles.

    My wife, gradually accepting the fact that this is the way I wish to live has used some of our old cuffs and chains to get us started while we prepare to get the proper locking ones.

    I know that I'm able to simply undo the cuffs when I want to, but i don;t want to. Still, it may not be the full effect but this is a big change for me too so maybe it's best I take this in gradual steps with her.

    But sitting here at my desk with the chains rattling, I keep pulling my ankles part to the limits of the hobble chain just to feel the cuffs press against my skin, a reminder that I'm now restrained and restricted.

    So for all of those people out there who wonder if it is possible to bring an unusual practise into a text book marriage. Yes it is. Right now at this very moment, I am living proof. My wife, a conventional, shy and easily embarrassed person who says that using restraints even during our bedroom playtime is a stretch for her to accept, is getting on with her evening while her husband gets on with his evening but shackled together like a prisoner.

    This is a momentous evening... I'm so happy. I'm finally getting the thing I have for so long desired. To all students of restraint and bondage. Never be afraid to ask more from your marriage.
  9. Tarynsslave

    Tarynsslave Member

    Unless you feel that your desires are unnaturally obsessive, there is absolutely not a single thing wrong with you. BDSM is growing into a mainstream and acceptable sexual orientation each and every day, and its all thanks to each and every single person who contributes their input in these types of forums online.
    i can still recall becoming *very* aroused anytime i saw a classic "damsel-in-distress" in a movie or on tv. Deep down inside, i desired being in her situation- being controlled and helpless. As i grew older, i became aware that my fantasies were indeed natural and that i was not alone in having them. You obviously possess a submissive nature; as do i. i thrive in a situation where i have no control, thats where i feel most free. (Quite possibly the mother of all ironies, but hey, thats life...) Being heterosexual, i came to accept that i was interested in the idea of surrendering control to a female partner.
    While my current Mistress was once a vanilla long-term girlfriend, i took an earnest effort in trying new things and experimenting with her. Luckily, she felt most comfortable in a Dominant role, and i felt best as here very willing submissive. W/we started small and grew from there. After a year of frequently involving D/s in our relationship, we were both ready to take it to the final step of entering an Ownership relationship. For the remainder of my life, i am forever the owned property of my Mistress. i guess you could say that i hit the jackpot, but there is no reason to believe that your relationship is incapable of progressing in the direction you wish it to. i'd recommend that you bring it up in an open-minded atmosphere where you can both discuss your ideas and feelings regarding the issue. Please avoid the all too common error of attempting to "top from the bottom." Let your girlfriend grow into a Dominant role at her own pace, it is in this way that the Femdom relationship you desire can best florish and develop into something special.
    Best of luck, and enjoy the journey!!
  10. Interesdom

    Interesdom New Member

    Help your wife

    I would think your wife will have quite a few fears just now and I suggest you address yourself to those. She may be fearing that you've gone off your head a little; she could be fearing for the longevity of your relationship; she might well have fears about not satisfying you, and as many about having to do things that are distasteful to her. She may also be feeling inadequate in some ways, having failed you 'normally'.

    A lot of that, you can directly help with by letting her know how relieved you are feeling and how much you love her and appreciate her. And how much you always have done.

    For some of her fears, though, knowledge is going to be the key to disbanding them. Show her literature and websites specific to your interests. Don't pressure her to read them or get involved, however - you should suggest and even ask but never expect.

    I was thinking to advise you not to introduce her to sites like this, because that may give her the completely wrong message about what you want. I still think I'm right in that but when you ask about buying restraint devices, I thought it would possibly be a good idea to buy them at one of the monthly fetish/BDSM fairs. The main ones in England are in London (LAM), Bristol (SWAMP) and Birmingham (BBB) - you can find them via the Wipipedia. At these places, you can see what is available, easily compare prices and quality and ask questions - both of the vendors and the usually friendly visitors. If you take your wife with you, you may both be shocked at what other devious devices there are for whipping, suspending and torturing willing victims. In a way, I would hope you are both shocked, because you will then both come away realising that "a bit of restraining" is actually very normal! It might work.

    Take care of your wife. It is important to make extra effort to show her your love and devotion as she struggles through a time when only your needs are being highlighted.

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