Hi... I've spent a couple of days reading around the forum and there are several active threads right now that (almost) cover some of the questions I need to get worked out... But I still have some way to go. You see, I'm currentlt undergoing my own little personal crisis. After several years of infrequent light bondage between my wife and I, I've realised that I only really, truly feel comfortable when I'm restrained. Whether it be laying down on the bed, standing against a wall, or just able to move about but in cuffs, I only really feel like 'me' when I'm restrained. My wife is a little shy when it comes to anything other than just normal, un-aided sex. She doesn't truly appreciate that the Dom/Sub thing is more of a lifestyle choice as opposed to a sex game. Of course, for me, the sex is great, it's a fantastic bonus, but I don;t just want to get small hits of restraint in our 'play-time'. Because she doesn't understand, I feel a bit embarrassed talking to her about it. I'm not ashamed of what I like, nor do I think anything less of those who take it beyond what I would do. I actually envy everybody else who seems to live a successful Dom/Sub relationship because of anything, this is what I long for the most. She feels that my attraction to restraint and wanting to be owned and controlled, links back to my difficult, turbulent and shamefully violent childhood. I disagree. Although convincing her other wise is impossible. But we watch a DVD or something on TV and they'll show a scene of somebody being restrained in a hospital or in a prison, and I just ache for her to do something to me. Am I trying to bring back something for my childhood, or am I simply seeking a lifestyle that I have grown into? Am I asking too much for someone like her with my requests to live in restraints as much as possible? Am I just a nut-case? During part of our far too brief discussion about this a few nights ago, I said that I wanted to live in physical restraint, that it was when I felt like I was getting something I needed. She simply stated that to do that would be treating me like a slave and that she couldn't do that because it's not in her nature. I don;t care to be honest if she orders me around or if she just lets me get on with whatever I want to do... But I want to do it in a way that helps me feel the most comfortable. Ideally, I suppose I would like to serve her, I don't want to be an equal, and I feel burdoned by freedom that I don't want. Can someone please explain to me what the hell is going on with me because I feel so messed up and confused about what I want and what I'm (not) getting that it's pushing me into depressive mood swings and that ain;t healthy. Also, if there's anything you can say or link that I can show her, get her to read and understand my plight, I would be most grateful. Many thanks in advance, Stargazer.