Am I a masochist???

Paredes · Dec 29, 2010

I'm an ex self harmer who stopped by the age 19. I found myself to be cutting not for the fact i was upset, angry or whatever normal self harmers do, but more because i enjoyed the pain so much I found it addictive. I stopped because my partner at the time begged me to. I never hated myself.

Shortly after that relationship ended I met someone else whom i experimented with the possibilities of me being more masochistic than anything. Mainly cutting along with hitting and strangulation. All of which i thoroughly enjoy. The only problem being I don't find myself to be sexually aroused by this, just mentally. I couldn't orgasm from sex involving these activities and much rather this kind of pleasure be separate from sex.

What does this make me? Am I a masochist? Am I something else?

sillylittlepet · Dec 29, 2010

If you like the pain then you're probably a masochist, even if its not sexual gratification you're still enjoying it

subspace · Dec 30, 2010

Paredes said:
I found myself to be cutting not for the fact i was upset, angry or whatever normal self harmers do, but more because i enjoyed the pain so much I found it addictive.

What does this make me? Am I a masochist? Am I something else?

Please understand that the addiction to cutting starts for many reasons but continues because it provides something for you. I am glad that you stopped because it can be a viscous cycle and there in lies the danger from cutting because you end up needing more.

May I ask:
What does the pain do for you?
How does it make you feel?
Do you know why you enjoy it?

Paredes · Dec 30, 2010

subspace said:
Please understand that the addiction to cutting starts for many reasons but continues because it provides something for you. I am glad that you stopped because it can be a viscous cycle and there in lies the danger from cutting because you end up needing more.

May I ask:
What does the pain do for you?
How does it make you feel?
Do you know why you enjoy it?

i like how strong it makes me feel. proving to myself (and the other person) how much pain i can take. the feel of my heart beating and cuts stinging at the same time makes me feel almost invincible (as crazy as that sounds)

drkangl87 · Dec 30, 2010

Paredes: i understand how you feel when you say it makes you feel strong. i know exactly where you are coming from. I feel the same way when i cut but i admire you for being able to stop.

Paredes · Dec 30, 2010

drkangl87 said:
Paredes: i understand how you feel when you say it makes you feel strong. i know exactly where you are coming from. I feel the same way when i cut but i admire you for being able to stop.

it wasn't easy at first, and i relapsed very briefly at the age of 21, triggered simply by seeing another persons cuts. i missed it. i still do. but i can't afford to do it now. i couldn't put the people who are close to me through the worry i know they would go through if they found out.

i guess being able to control that is nice, i don't feel like i need it any more. but two years since both my last self inflicted and received from another and i do still desire it. there lies my problem.

subspace · Dec 30, 2010

One of the great aspects of BDSM is that it dosen't have to involve sex to be a completely satisfying experience. You mention this in your original post and just because you don't get some sort of sexual gratification from the painful acts dosen't mean you are not a masochist. You get pleasure from pain so in that definition I think you can call yourself a masochist. The proving to your partner how much you can take is such an awesome part of the D/s relationship. Giving your partner the control to inflict pain rather than you doing it yourself is so much more gratifying (at least to me).
This may not be it for you but for me at least and for so many others the process of the pain and endorphin rush all act as an amazing reset for my system - way more than cutting could ever do. When I get stressed and anxious is when I need the reset most. Nowadays instead of cutting I plug myself - weird I know but it calms and centers me and reminds me of my submissive nature and keeps me from cutting when I cant get reset any other way. Sorry for rambling - hope this wasn't too random!

sebastian · Dec 30, 2010

I woud actually disagree here. Masochism and sadism are by definition sexual. They may or may not be sufficient stimulation to achieve orgasm, but they are at their heart sexual. Not all interest in pain is masochism as classically defined. Masochism is not formally defined as a form of mental illness anymore, but cutting is. Now it's possible to be a masochist as well as a cutter, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

master jey · Dec 30, 2010

Agreed with Seb

subspace · Dec 30, 2010

I agree also. What I was trying to say is that lots of BDSM acts do not result in orgasm which I was referring to as sexual gratification, but this dosen't make them any less a part of the whole BDSM experience.
I also confuse the two - masochism and self-harm - they overlap in several areas for me but you are completely correct that there is nothing sexual (at least for me) in self harming.

Am I a masochist???

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