Hi Need2Serve,
I would suggest you start to think about this as a relationship challenge, and not focus on the details of your particular kink.
If you feel you want to be in a long term relationship, then both of you will need to learn to adapt to each others' ways. For a guy this could be as simple as picking up his dirty clothes and putting them in the laundry basket
One thing you might want to consider is that modern society can be quite challenging for men because it is still in a state of transition from male-dominated attitudes to real equality. If you want to know what I mean, just watch the first few episodes of Mad Men to see how far we've come! So your partner may feel he's trying to do the "right thing" in resisting what he may see as something "wrong"...something that he may see as demeaning women. The folks on thos board understand that it's all about consent and roleplay, but "vanilla" folks don't. So you need to take it one step at a time and try to put yourself into his mindset so you can better understand his concerns.
(Note - I'm making a lot of assumptions with this idea here, so please forgive me if I'm off-target)
As other people in this thread have already suggested, you need to dial back the demands on him to give him a very gentle "soft landing" on your fantasies. Don't put him under pressure as he struggles to come to terms with this.
By the way - it sounds like he's already listening to you - which is great.
You need to reward him for listening.
Re-inforce this positive behaviour. I know it sounds silly, but you cannot expect a man to be a mind reader in a relationship. If he's started to do something "good" (ie. listening and not outright rejecting your position) then tell him how much you appreciate that.
In fact this could give you an ideal opportunity for a "next step"...you are going to "reward him" for listening to you by granting one of his secret fantasies.
He might say: "But sweetheart, I don't have fantasies - I'm a boring vanilla guy. I only want to do it with the lights off in the Missionary Position."
Of course this isn't the case (I hope!!!). Almost every "vanilla" guy will have something he wants - and that is just as much of a fantasy as your desrire to be dominated. You just need to make him understand that.
So let's pick a "fantasy" that every guy wants (no so secret, this one). The "surprise blow job". Men get a hard on in the morning (it's a widely accepted evolutionary thing). Our dream come true is for our partner to "notice" and give us a blow job without us having to ask - even without them saying a single word (ie. don't say "would like a BJ?". Imagine he's just waking up...and as usual he has a huge woodie...and you just slip under the bedclothes and take him in your mouth.
After you please him, you pop up next him, smiling sweetly, and wiping your lips like you just had the most delicious spoonful of Ben & Jerrys ever; and you thank him for listenng to you "the other day". If you feel he really needs a blunt approach tell him how much you love to make his fantasies come true.
Then you hop out of bed and go take a shower. You don't demand anything in return from him for your wonderful gift. He's left there feeling delightfully satisfied, and perhaps a tad confused.
(BTW - you've just had quite a submissive experience, whether he acknowledges that or not)
Hopefully you see what I'm trying to do here:
- You've rewarded him for listening to you, and that means he knows he did a good thing and will probably try to do it again.
- You've reminded him that what you just did - and what he really enjoyed is "not normal". He has kinky fantasies too...and you value and respect them.
- He may not make this step in his mind...but I guess with more pointers he might get there. He needs to understand that if he cares about you then he should value and respect your fantasies too (up to the point where there could be physical harm, etc.).
Each time he makes a mental or physical step in the right direction, you must tell him he's making you happy. Again - don't expect him to read your mind. If he really cares about you, he will be "feeling his way" towards making you happy, and you need to tell him if he takes even the smallest step in the right direction. Keep giving him rewards too. Keep referring to those rewards as "making his fantasies come true".
Since you are now (hopefully) engaged in an ongoing conversation about fantasies with him, you've achieved two important milestones.
- He has tacitly accepted that fantasy play, in however mild a form, is now a part of your relationship.
- You are "serving" him...just like a slave would. You are doing his bidding, and whether he knows it or not, he is now taking the first steps to becoming your Master.
OK...so here's hoping that makes sense so far.
Even if it doesn't...let me go back to the idea that this is a relationship challenge.
Most books about relationships are crap, but this one actually has some useful advice. I've cut and pasted the most important and relevant bit for you here, but early sections on conflict resolution are great too.
Good luck, and take it slowly.
Cheers,
Stanley
http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principl...9855088&sr=8-1
“Your sexual life will be further enhanced if you feel safe enough
to share your sexual fantasies with each other and even act them out
together. This is a very delicate area. Although fantasies are the home
of imagination, variety, and adventure in a marriage, very few
couples are able to share their fantasies and then find some way of
honoring them within their sex life. If you are able to share your
fantasies, the result will be great intimacy, romance, and excitement.
Try to cultivate the idea that within the boundaries of your
marriage, all wishes, images, fantasies, and desires are acceptable.
Nothing is intrinsically bad or disgusting. You can say no to your
partner's request, but don't disparage it. Expressing a fantasy
requires a great deal of trust, so take care to be tender when you hear
of a fantasy your partner has. If it's not one of your own, but it's not a
turn-off, then agree to it. Don't take it personally if your spouse
wants you to pretend to be a stranger, a nurse, or a pirate. Just
consider it play The idea, the desire, the fantasy is usually not
understood at all by the person expressing it. No one knows why
particular fantasies are erotic to certain people, they just are.â€
