Happiness in a vanilla relationship?

stanley_jeffries · Jun 4, 2012

Hi Need2Serve,
He sounds like he's a deeply unhappy person. If he wants to be unhappy, that's fine. But it's clear that he's making you unhappy too, and that's not fine at all.

End it now. And please don't worry about the things he says.

It can only get better than it is now.

sebastian · Jun 4, 2012

Need: dating someone who thinks you're too fat to have sex with (especially when he's overweight himself) is only going to wear you down emotionally. It will erode your self-esteem in a huge way. By all means lose the weight, but do it for yourself, not him. As Dan Savage would say, Dump the Motherfucker Already.

subarama30 · Jun 5, 2012

OK Need, this guy is dealing with his own issues and is projecting them onto you - so NOT COOL!

You need to kick him to the curb, so to speak, the sooner the better. He's overweight, stressed, unhappy, whatever, that's HIS deal, don't let him drag you down with him.

You say you are overweight too, well join the club, I'm tubby and have been since forever so I get the self esteem thing of not thinking you will find anyone. Well guess what, I did. After years of feeling rubbish about myself, meeting an abusive asshole and putting up with it because I thought I didn't deserve any better, I finally met my current partner. Someone who saw me for me. He never made comments about my appearance other than to tell me how sexy I was - there is someone out there who will see you for who you are and be attracted to you whether you are fat or thin.

I agree that lose the weight by all means if you want but realise that it won't make him love you any more or make the relationship last. I have been heavier than I am now and a lot lighter during the course of my relationship and my guy has never changed his reaction to me sexually.

Need2Serve · Jun 5, 2012

Thank you all. You're all aright, I do need to end it and quickly. I'll do my best to muster up the courage to do so.

BTW, sorry if this seemed like one big "Woe is me, take pity on me" thread.

edjixxx · Jun 5, 2012

Well, I think it may be jumping the gun here. To say that he's projecting his issues on you is slightly hypocritical, in my opinion. We all have a past, whatever it may hold. As stated in other threads, most people into the BDSM lifestyle have a dark spot in their past. He probably, or obviously, depending on your particular viewpoint. But there's unresolved issues in both yours and his pasts. Those things that we despise about ourselves, we become very sensitive to in others. We objectify those traits we find as critical flaws in ourselves, and push them onto others so we don't have to feel bad about that which we despise about ourselves. I'm not talking about BDSM, or it's lifestyle here. So, it seems to me, that he feels that his physical attractiveness is extremely lacking, and he has trouble trying to cope with that part of him. So, he's making a point to make it about you, rather than him, so he doesn't have to feel or deal with that part of himself. I'd pry into him, and bring out the past of what events that has made him feel this way. To me, it seems more of he doesn't feel worthy of you.

As far as the post about divorce rate, the U.S. has a divorce rate higher than the marriage rate. But, there's some monetary reasons there.

We all have different ways of coping with those deep, dark, unspeakable secrets we keep buried in the depths of our minds. Traumatic events in our lives all bring us to do some pretty irrational things. Things that go against social norms, that we eventually pass on to our offspring, and continue the ever widening pattern. We put up the emotional walls, and bury our personal hell's into secrets that destroy us. If we'd break down those walls, such as BDSM has a way of doing, as well as other ways, we could stop the poisoning of ourselves, and move on to better places. But I still think it's hypocritical to suggest kicking someone to the curb, because they have trouble coping with their past, unless they fundamentally refuse that option, or it's a dangerous situation, either physically or psychologically. We've all been in a place at some point where we exhibit irrationality.

sebastian · Jun 5, 2012

Ed: You make some fair points, and if Need were in a marriage or a relationship that has been long-running, I'd definitely recommend that she and her bf work at things before giving up. But Need is 19, and she doesn't have much invested in it, and this guy's issues seem pretty deep. And that's before we get to the fact that she's kinky and he's vanilla. Young women are often encouraged by our society to 'save' their man, at their own personal expense, and I don't think she ought to fall into that trap.

It's not possible for the divorce rate to run higher than the marriage rate. That would mean there were non-married people somehow getting divorced. The number one best predictor of divorce is the income of the couple: poverty destroys marriages. The number two best predictor is age at marriage: the younger a couple is, the more likely they are to divorce. The number three best predictor is education: poorly educated people are more likely to divorce. The divorce rate is primarily a reflection of poverty in this country, not a collapse of basic 'family values'.

edjixxx · Jun 5, 2012

I wasn't saying it was a collapse of family values, I was just saying in the scheme of divorce rates, there's a 48% marriage, 52%divorce rate, whatever that means, and wherever the numbers came from.

I wasn't saying that she should save her man at her expense either, well, not trying to, anyway. I was taken back of the "Oh, try this, try that" then the almost instantaneous "well fuck him, kick him to the curb". I don't know, seems cold to me. I mean, ultimately, it's her decision, either way, I was merely attempting an aspect that wasn't mentioned after the issues thing, which, well, eh, never mind.

Moonlight · Jun 5, 2012

My sister in law told me she wants her daughter to be 25 years old before she has any kind of a serious relationship. I had to laugh and say good luck with that.

I married very young. By the time I was 19 I was already married and had a baby already. We even married because I was pregnant and he was in the military so his benefits would cover me. Everyone but a few said we were stupid, having a baby is no reason to get married. We would split within a year etc... Well it has been 20 and I want to find every one of them and say ha in your face. That said I know we are extremely rare. We not only made it work but we are happy.

To the OP I have to say yes split now. You are simply setting yourself up for a much worse heartbreak later on down the road. Yes it will hurt, every break up does even if there is a feeling of relief when you are finally free, but in the end you will be better off.

Try to find ways to feel better about yourself. You deserve way more then how he is treating you.

sebastian · Jun 5, 2012

Ed: My view of her situation change as she provided more information. At the start, it looked like she had some options that might help fix the situation. But now, I think it's probably a hopeless cause. People at 19 tend to imagine that their first relationship is going to be the One, but it so rarely is that they usually need to be told that.

Moonlight: Congratulations on beating the odds! You're to be commended.

Need2Serve · Jun 5, 2012

Ed: I have tried to work with him in the past, I've begged him time and time again to go to couples counseling with me he just refuses and I'm kind of at my wits end as to what I alone can do.

Moonlight: That is amazing, I'm very glad it all worked out for you. I probably would have told you that it was a bad idea at the time as well although I would have happily let you prove me wrong. However I did tell my brother that he was making a mistake when he married his 19 year old girlfriend of 6 months when he was 22 because he got her pregnant, I ended up being right in that instance.

Sebastian: To be fair this isn't my first relationship ^^ I've been in 4 relationships, 2 of which were very serious. My fear of being single makes me have this incredibly strong urge to get married ASAP (he was sane and said no to marriage, he said I was too young).

I really should not be allowed to make such decisions, if I had my way I'd be married with a child by now, I'm not an idiot I promise, my hormones just seem to be stronger than my common sense!

Happiness in a vanilla relationship?

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edjixxx

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