Happiness in a vanilla relationship?

Need2Serve · Jun 1, 2012

So I basically just want to get some other people's thoughts on whether someone who has very strong desires to be dominated can truly be happy in a vanilla relationship?

I have very strong desires to be submissive, I have a teensy bit of experience but nothing extensive but I am currently in a long term vanilla relationship with a guy who is about as vanilla as they get. I really do want to be with him but I am worried that I will always feel as though something is missing if he can't be dominant (which he really can't). Does anybody have any experience or suggestions? Is it possible to truly be happy in a vanilla relationship if you crave to be controlled?

subarama30 · Jun 1, 2012

Have you ever talked to your partner about what you want? Are you 100% sure he has no interest and couldn't dominate you at all.

I am in a 10yr relationship and for the first several years it was completely vanilla, the most he did was the occasional gentle bite. I spent forever trying to get the courage to be open about what I needed and was terrified he wouldn't go for it or accept me for being a freak/pervert etc. However, it turns out that he was more receptive to the idea than I had ever hoped and was willing to try whatever I wanted to make it work.

I know some people never open up about their kink to their partners but I don't think this works, I don't think you can turn off your feelings/urges. I know I was happy in the relationship but not happy with our sex life but I didn't want to cheat or leave him, but couldn't fight my kink anymore.

You really have to talk to him and see what his views are. The 24/7 thing I wouldn't even think about especially if you have little experience in even a sexually submissive role as this is hard core and even someone experienced can struggle to make this work. This would definately freak him out so just start off light not to scare him off.

I think a lot of totally vanilla people have the tv view of bdsm and think its all whips and chains or gimp masks etc, you need to show him it's more than that. That he doesn't have to want to beat you to a bloody pulp - unless that's your thing

he may find he likes the idea more than he thought once he begins to explore it, especially once he sees how positively it affects you.

Need2Serve · Jun 1, 2012

I started hinting it to him and then even trying to talk to him about it, but he isn't into it in the slightest. He thinks it's odd an it worries him that I even think about those kinds of things. At one point he even hinted at the fact that he thinks that it is correctable through therapy.

subarama30 · Jun 1, 2012

Again this can be because he has no knowledge and is probably thinking about the extreme stuff he has seen or heard about.

My partner thought it was all hardcore stuff he had seen in porn and joked that he should get his chainsaw out to turn me on! If I mentined things or we watched a documentary of something with anything like what I was into, he always reacted negatively and like they were odd or disturbed which was why I put it off so long. I figured he would see me the same. He used to say I was odd just because I liked being bitten and that was when it was still being playful!

There is always the chance your fella can never be into kink and then you have to weigh up if the relationship can last, if you can bury it deep enough and won't end up resenting him.

The way my partner put it when I told him...'is that all? I was worried it was something really bad. Why didn't you tell me sooner?' he told me he loved me and wanted me to be happy and satisfied so even though it wasn't his thing and he didn't really know what he was doing at first he was willing to try. He said he didn't want me to feel like I had to look elsewhere. Not that I would have but I definately would have spent many a frustrated year.

Need2Serve · Jun 1, 2012

No I've talked to him about it, he has started understanding a bit more but he's still not into it. I really don't think he is into any kink and I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure out if I can get through that or if it will always be a regret, I'm just afraid of being single (silly, I know). I'm only 19 but a part of me is afraid that if I end it with him I'll be single forever.

But thank you

.

subarama30 · Jun 1, 2012

19?! Geez I met my fella at 20 before him had a messed up guy who abused the crap out of me, never thought I'd find man to trust again but did.

You have forever to find someone- you're not on the scrap heap at 19 girl!

Need2Serve · Jun 1, 2012

The rational part of me realizes that I have forever to find someone, however the irrational part of me that likes to put me down thinks otherwise and while the irrational part of me is smaller it creates enough doubt to where I stay for the safety.

sebastian · Jun 1, 2012

A few thoughts:

1) Virtually no one today spends their life with a partner they found at 19. It's incredibly rare. So just accept that you will probably not spend forever with this guy. Enjoy the relationship for what it's worth and then move on when the time comes, perhaps when the need to be submissive starts overshadowing everything else.
2) Some guys are vanilla because they don't know what kink involves, and some guys are vanilla because they're afraid of their kinky feelings, while many guys are vanilla because they just have no interest in BDSM at all. There's no way to know which your bf is until you have some long talks with him. As Subarama has said, he may very well think that you're asking for the whips and chains and treating you like shit, when in fact you're asking him for something very different. So you need to talk to him about what BDSM really involves.
3) Can you be satisfied in a vanilla relationship? You're the only person who can answer that. I can tell you that in a vanilla relationship you won't be 100% satisfied (you aren't satisfied right now), but that doesn't mean the relationship can't work, because nobody gets 100% of everything they want in a relationship, not even the most aggressive dom. Relationships take compromise. So what you need to do is evaluate what you get from this guy. Does he satisfy all your other needs except the need to be submissive, or are there other things you have to give up to be with him? In other words, add up the pros and cons. Then decide if the pros outweigh the cons. If they do, then perhaps you can commit to being with him, realizing that that means giving up sexual satisfaction. And you need to tell him that you're giving up something huge to be with him, and he better damn well honor your sacrifice and appreciate it. On the other hand, sexual satisfaction is a huge thing to sacrifice (it can be done, but it's not easy), and at 19, I don't think you should consign yourself to a life of vanilla sex if that's not what you really want.
4) Have you read the Newcomer's FAQ? It has a section on kinkifying your Nice Vanilla Boyfriend. It might not work, but it should give you some ideas about how you might be able to do it.

Need2Serve · Jun 1, 2012

I have read the newcomer's FAQ (well skimmed through most of it) and did see that section, but I have tried being quite open with him and talking to him and tried a few of those things, but he really isn't into anything BDSM related or any kink for that matter.

I know ultimately I won't be happy enough in a vanilla relationship (especially one without any sex at the moment ...

). Somehow I think that if I lose weight the relationship will probably just work itself out, I may be too optimistic for my own good.

sebastian · Jun 1, 2012

Ok, well let's assume you're right that A) he won't ever do anything particularly kinky and B) you won't find a vanilla relationship satisfying. Some guys just have no kink in them, or it's buried too deep under modern Nice Guy training for it to come to the surface in a meaningful way. You're never going to manage to kinkify a guy like that, and trying to do so will just create problems in the relationship.

So here's my advice: Admit to yourself that this guy, no matter how much you care for him, is not the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. You're not sexually compatible with him and for you that's too large an obstacle to overcome. And let him know that. Make clear that it's not his fault or your fault--the two of you just need different things in your partners. So stay with him as long as things seem manageable, but acknowledge that the relationship has an expiration date on it, and when you reach the point that your submissive needs are getting too strong to ignore, end the relationship. Do it in a loving way, very openly and honestly. Don't move in with him, don't get pregnant, don't do anything that would hard to disentangle. End it before you're tempted to cheat on him, either in the flesh or online, because being kinky doesn't justify cheating, 'exploring' or not-really-cheating-because-it's-online play.

I realize that at 19, that sound terribly unromantic, impossible to do, and not the answer you're looking for. But you're an adult now, and that's how adults handle their relationships, especially kinky adults--with honesty, openness, and a concern for one's partner.

Happiness in a vanilla relationship?

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