Happiness in a vanilla relationship?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Need2Serve, Jun 1, 2012.

  1. Need2Serve

    Need2Serve New Member

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    So I basically just want to get some other people's thoughts on whether someone who has very strong desires to be dominated can truly be happy in a vanilla relationship?

    I have very strong desires to be submissive, I have a teensy bit of experience but nothing extensive but I am currently in a long term vanilla relationship with a guy who is about as vanilla as they get. I really do want to be with him but I am worried that I will always feel as though something is missing if he can't be dominant (which he really can't). Does anybody have any experience or suggestions? Is it possible to truly be happy in a vanilla relationship if you crave to be controlled?
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2012
  2. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

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    Have you ever talked to your partner about what you want? Are you 100% sure he has no interest and couldn't dominate you at all.

    I am in a 10yr relationship and for the first several years it was completely vanilla, the most he did was the occasional gentle bite. I spent forever trying to get the courage to be open about what I needed and was terrified he wouldn't go for it or accept me for being a freak/pervert etc. However, it turns out that he was more receptive to the idea than I had ever hoped and was willing to try whatever I wanted to make it work.

    I know some people never open up about their kink to their partners but I don't think this works, I don't think you can turn off your feelings/urges. I know I was happy in the relationship but not happy with our sex life but I didn't want to cheat or leave him, but couldn't fight my kink anymore.

    You really have to talk to him and see what his views are. The 24/7 thing I wouldn't even think about especially if you have little experience in even a sexually submissive role as this is hard core and even someone experienced can struggle to make this work. This would definately freak him out so just start off light not to scare him off.

    I think a lot of totally vanilla people have the tv view of bdsm and think its all whips and chains or gimp masks etc, you need to show him it's more than that. That he doesn't have to want to beat you to a bloody pulp - unless that's your thing ;) he may find he likes the idea more than he thought once he begins to explore it, especially once he sees how positively it affects you.
  3. Need2Serve

    Need2Serve New Member

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    I started hinting it to him and then even trying to talk to him about it, but he isn't into it in the slightest. He thinks it's odd an it worries him that I even think about those kinds of things. At one point he even hinted at the fact that he thinks that it is correctable through therapy.
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2012
  4. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

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    Again this can be because he has no knowledge and is probably thinking about the extreme stuff he has seen or heard about.

    My partner thought it was all hardcore stuff he had seen in porn and joked that he should get his chainsaw out to turn me on! If I mentined things or we watched a documentary of something with anything like what I was into, he always reacted negatively and like they were odd or disturbed which was why I put it off so long. I figured he would see me the same. He used to say I was odd just because I liked being bitten and that was when it was still being playful!

    There is always the chance your fella can never be into kink and then you have to weigh up if the relationship can last, if you can bury it deep enough and won't end up resenting him.

    The way my partner put it when I told him...'is that all? I was worried it was something really bad. Why didn't you tell me sooner?' he told me he loved me and wanted me to be happy and satisfied so even though it wasn't his thing and he didn't really know what he was doing at first he was willing to try. He said he didn't want me to feel like I had to look elsewhere. Not that I would have but I definately would have spent many a frustrated year.
  5. Need2Serve

    Need2Serve New Member

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    No I've talked to him about it, he has started understanding a bit more but he's still not into it. I really don't think he is into any kink and I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure out if I can get through that or if it will always be a regret, I'm just afraid of being single (silly, I know). I'm only 19 but a part of me is afraid that if I end it with him I'll be single forever.

    But thank you :).
  6. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

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    19?! Geez I met my fella at 20 before him had a messed up guy who abused the crap out of me, never thought I'd find man to trust again but did.

    You have forever to find someone- you're not on the scrap heap at 19 girl!
  7. Need2Serve

    Need2Serve New Member

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    The rational part of me realizes that I have forever to find someone, however the irrational part of me that likes to put me down thinks otherwise and while the irrational part of me is smaller it creates enough doubt to where I stay for the safety.
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    A few thoughts:

    1) Virtually no one today spends their life with a partner they found at 19. It's incredibly rare. So just accept that you will probably not spend forever with this guy. Enjoy the relationship for what it's worth and then move on when the time comes, perhaps when the need to be submissive starts overshadowing everything else.
    2) Some guys are vanilla because they don't know what kink involves, and some guys are vanilla because they're afraid of their kinky feelings, while many guys are vanilla because they just have no interest in BDSM at all. There's no way to know which your bf is until you have some long talks with him. As Subarama has said, he may very well think that you're asking for the whips and chains and treating you like shit, when in fact you're asking him for something very different. So you need to talk to him about what BDSM really involves.
    3) Can you be satisfied in a vanilla relationship? You're the only person who can answer that. I can tell you that in a vanilla relationship you won't be 100% satisfied (you aren't satisfied right now), but that doesn't mean the relationship can't work, because nobody gets 100% of everything they want in a relationship, not even the most aggressive dom. Relationships take compromise. So what you need to do is evaluate what you get from this guy. Does he satisfy all your other needs except the need to be submissive, or are there other things you have to give up to be with him? In other words, add up the pros and cons. Then decide if the pros outweigh the cons. If they do, then perhaps you can commit to being with him, realizing that that means giving up sexual satisfaction. And you need to tell him that you're giving up something huge to be with him, and he better damn well honor your sacrifice and appreciate it. On the other hand, sexual satisfaction is a huge thing to sacrifice (it can be done, but it's not easy), and at 19, I don't think you should consign yourself to a life of vanilla sex if that's not what you really want.
    4) Have you read the Newcomer's FAQ? It has a section on kinkifying your Nice Vanilla Boyfriend. It might not work, but it should give you some ideas about how you might be able to do it.
  9. Need2Serve

    Need2Serve New Member

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    I have read the newcomer's FAQ (well skimmed through most of it) and did see that section, but I have tried being quite open with him and talking to him and tried a few of those things, but he really isn't into anything BDSM related or any kink for that matter.

    I know ultimately I won't be happy enough in a vanilla relationship (especially one without any sex at the moment ...o_O). Somehow I think that if I lose weight the relationship will probably just work itself out, I may be too optimistic for my own good.
  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Ok, well let's assume you're right that A) he won't ever do anything particularly kinky and B) you won't find a vanilla relationship satisfying. Some guys just have no kink in them, or it's buried too deep under modern Nice Guy training for it to come to the surface in a meaningful way. You're never going to manage to kinkify a guy like that, and trying to do so will just create problems in the relationship.

    So here's my advice: Admit to yourself that this guy, no matter how much you care for him, is not the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. You're not sexually compatible with him and for you that's too large an obstacle to overcome. And let him know that. Make clear that it's not his fault or your fault--the two of you just need different things in your partners. So stay with him as long as things seem manageable, but acknowledge that the relationship has an expiration date on it, and when you reach the point that your submissive needs are getting too strong to ignore, end the relationship. Do it in a loving way, very openly and honestly. Don't move in with him, don't get pregnant, don't do anything that would hard to disentangle. End it before you're tempted to cheat on him, either in the flesh or online, because being kinky doesn't justify cheating, 'exploring' or not-really-cheating-because-it's-online play.

    I realize that at 19, that sound terribly unromantic, impossible to do, and not the answer you're looking for. But you're an adult now, and that's how adults handle their relationships, especially kinky adults--with honesty, openness, and a concern for one's partner.
  11. Need2Serve

    Need2Serve New Member

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    I mean I realize that, that is what ultimately needs to happen, however I was just hoping that someone might be able to give me some advice for how to move past my desires when trying to make him be into it is not an option.
  12. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

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    Personally I do not think you can ever move past them. You can bury them and even convince yourself you don't want to for a time. But it wont last because it is who you are. You can I am sure be happy with him but if you are already feeling something missing I suspect you always will. But like others have said you are really young. I would just enjoy the here and now and not worry about it.
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2012
  13. RopeRanger

    RopeRanger Member

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    That's the problem with labeling relationships as kinky or vanilla, it's like saying I only like ketchup on my hotdogs when you've never tried mustard, let alone relish, sauerkraut or any other condiment.

    Relationships should build mutual support, respect, and satisfaction. If you consider that the number 2 cause of divorce is sexual issues (cheating, incompatibility, impotence, infertility - number 1 is money) then you need to face the fact that you and he need to come to terms with your needs or you'll need to move on - eventually.

    Back to 'worth' - learn what you can from the relationship. Don't be in a hurry to dump it, try and teach each other. He may come around after realizing that what you want is not really all that kinky. You may find that you get more out of the relationship that just sex. It's up to you to place a value on what you are receiving from the relationship.
  14. josejaxon

    josejaxon Banned

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    I have to say that it depends on you that if you want to continue your relationship so there is no matter anything would happen between you but if you want to quit both your relationship right now. So, it's also your choice but I will suggest you that you have to give little space to guy and check it out what he can finally deciding for you.

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    Hi Need2Serve,
    I would suggest you start to think about this as a relationship challenge, and not focus on the details of your particular kink.

    If you feel you want to be in a long term relationship, then both of you will need to learn to adapt to each others' ways. For a guy this could be as simple as picking up his dirty clothes and putting them in the laundry basket :)

    One thing you might want to consider is that modern society can be quite challenging for men because it is still in a state of transition from male-dominated attitudes to real equality. If you want to know what I mean, just watch the first few episodes of Mad Men to see how far we've come! So your partner may feel he's trying to do the "right thing" in resisting what he may see as something "wrong"...something that he may see as demeaning women. The folks on thos board understand that it's all about consent and roleplay, but "vanilla" folks don't. So you need to take it one step at a time and try to put yourself into his mindset so you can better understand his concerns.

    (Note - I'm making a lot of assumptions with this idea here, so please forgive me if I'm off-target)

    As other people in this thread have already suggested, you need to dial back the demands on him to give him a very gentle "soft landing" on your fantasies. Don't put him under pressure as he struggles to come to terms with this.

    By the way - it sounds like he's already listening to you - which is great.

    You need to reward him for listening.

    Re-inforce this positive behaviour. I know it sounds silly, but you cannot expect a man to be a mind reader in a relationship. If he's started to do something "good" (ie. listening and not outright rejecting your position) then tell him how much you appreciate that.

    In fact this could give you an ideal opportunity for a "next step"...you are going to "reward him" for listening to you by granting one of his secret fantasies.

    He might say: "But sweetheart, I don't have fantasies - I'm a boring vanilla guy. I only want to do it with the lights off in the Missionary Position."

    Of course this isn't the case (I hope!!!). Almost every "vanilla" guy will have something he wants - and that is just as much of a fantasy as your desrire to be dominated. You just need to make him understand that.

    So let's pick a "fantasy" that every guy wants (no so secret, this one). The "surprise blow job". Men get a hard on in the morning (it's a widely accepted evolutionary thing). Our dream come true is for our partner to "notice" and give us a blow job without us having to ask - even without them saying a single word (ie. don't say "would like a BJ?". Imagine he's just waking up...and as usual he has a huge woodie...and you just slip under the bedclothes and take him in your mouth.

    After you please him, you pop up next him, smiling sweetly, and wiping your lips like you just had the most delicious spoonful of Ben & Jerrys ever; and you thank him for listenng to you "the other day". If you feel he really needs a blunt approach tell him how much you love to make his fantasies come true.

    Then you hop out of bed and go take a shower. You don't demand anything in return from him for your wonderful gift. He's left there feeling delightfully satisfied, and perhaps a tad confused.

    (BTW - you've just had quite a submissive experience, whether he acknowledges that or not)

    Hopefully you see what I'm trying to do here:

    • You've rewarded him for listening to you, and that means he knows he did a good thing and will probably try to do it again.
    • You've reminded him that what you just did - and what he really enjoyed is "not normal". He has kinky fantasies too...and you value and respect them.
    • He may not make this step in his mind...but I guess with more pointers he might get there. He needs to understand that if he cares about you then he should value and respect your fantasies too (up to the point where there could be physical harm, etc.).

    Each time he makes a mental or physical step in the right direction, you must tell him he's making you happy. Again - don't expect him to read your mind. If he really cares about you, he will be "feeling his way" towards making you happy, and you need to tell him if he takes even the smallest step in the right direction. Keep giving him rewards too. Keep referring to those rewards as "making his fantasies come true".

    Since you are now (hopefully) engaged in an ongoing conversation about fantasies with him, you've achieved two important milestones.

    • He has tacitly accepted that fantasy play, in however mild a form, is now a part of your relationship.
    • You are "serving" him...just like a slave would. You are doing his bidding, and whether he knows it or not, he is now taking the first steps to becoming your Master.

    OK...so here's hoping that makes sense so far.

    Even if it doesn't...let me go back to the idea that this is a relationship challenge.

    Most books about relationships are crap, but this one actually has some useful advice. I've cut and pasted the most important and relevant bit for you here, but early sections on conflict resolution are great too.

    Good luck, and take it slowly.



    “Your sexual life will be further enhanced if you feel safe enough
    to share your sexual fantasies with each other and even act them out
    together. This is a very delicate area. Although fantasies are the home
    of imagination, variety, and adventure in a marriage, very few
    couples are able to share their fantasies and then find some way of
    honoring them within their sex life. If you are able to share your
    fantasies, the result will be great intimacy, romance, and excitement.
    Try to cultivate the idea that within the boundaries of your
    marriage, all wishes, images, fantasies, and desires are acceptable.
    Nothing is intrinsically bad or disgusting. You can say no to your
    partner's request, but don't disparage it. Expressing a fantasy
    requires a great deal of trust, so take care to be tender when you hear
    of a fantasy your partner has. If it's not one of your own, but it's not a
    turn-off, then agree to it. Don't take it personally if your spouse
    wants you to pretend to be a stranger, a nurse, or a pirate. Just
    consider it play The idea, the desire, the fantasy is usually not
    understood at all by the person expressing it. No one knows why
    particular fantasies are erotic to certain people, they just are.â€

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