Want long-term Dom/sub relationship

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Tylen, Dec 8, 2012.

  1. Tylen

    Tylen New Member

    I am a gay male sub in a wonderful relationship with a kind, caring dom. He is extremely controlling and wonderfully dominating when we "play", and even punishes me when I misbehave. This is great, wonderful, I love it. It isn't enough. I've asked him and asked him for a long term relationship like this/to do it in everyday life, but he keeps telling me he CAN'T treat me like I'm his submissive all the time because he loves me too much to treat me as anything but an equal when we aren't "playing". I WANT this to be our everyday lives and I DO feel I'm his equal. In fact, I feel like I'M the one who is treated as more than equal. Being his sub all the time would make me feel even more loved. I have tried to tell him this, but he doesn't seem to agree with me. He thinks vanilla sex is more romantic and loving, even when he provides amazing aftercare for punishments, which are all super sweet. We do so much more cuddling and just intimate touching when he's being dominant.

    How do I convince him that being his sub would make me feel more loved and precious to him, not LESS, like he thinks? As I said, I have talked to him and talked to him, and even tried to be submissive all the time, such as not doing something basic until ordered to. He always frowns at me and tells me to knock it off and stop acting like his "dog". I love him and definitely don't want to leave him, even if I do have to eventually go vanilla with him. I just want us both to get pleasure out of what has been (and could still be) an amazing dom/sub relationship.
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Tylen: So my first thought is although you and he and fairly compatible, you're not a good match of the TPE issue. You want it and he doesn't; the idea of TPE is your daily life is simply not something he feels comfortable with. It conflicts too much with his deepest feelings about you. So you may have to accept while he can give you half the cake, you can't have the whole thing with him. So ultimately you may have to make a decision: accept that he's not TPE material and that you won't be completely happy in your relationship but that you're willing to make that sacrifice because of overall he's worth not being totally satisfied OR accept that he's not TPE material and that as much as you love him, you need TPE, so you leave him and seek TPE, knowing you might not find it.

    That said, talking with him is the only way that you might be able to bring him around. Passive-aggressively trying to get him to order you to obey isn't going to work, so knock it off. It's just pissing off a man who is, by your own account, a wonderful man. You've already talked with him, and he's resistant, so I think the thing to do is to try and get to the root of why he sees BDSM as not romantic. There are definitely BDSM models that work in romance and affection. For example 50s household BDSM is sort of 'father knows best', which allows a lot of room for traditional romance. Daddy/boy and other parent-child models are very affectionate. Master/valued slave allows room for the master to consider the slave a precious possession. So those are approaches that might be able to satisfy him and you, or get you close enough for compromise.

    However, remember that being a master is a serious burden. He has the control, and he has the responsibility for any choices that go wrong, any mistakes he makes, and so on. Very few people really have what it takes to be completely responsible for other people's lives. You look at as a pleasure, because you're in the position of not having to make choices--that's what makes you a sub, after all. But he's not wired to see relinquishing control as pleasure; he's wired to enjoy receiving control. But he may not enjoy receiving control as much as you enjoy giving it up.

    Only you can decide which is more important: true TPE or a wonderful man who gives you part but not all of what you want. But my personal opinion is that no one gets 100% of everything they want in life. Learning to settle for 85% is a wise thing. So unless you know that you cannot be truly happy without TPE, my advice is to accept that he might not ever get to TPE.
  3. Tylen

    Tylen New Member

    Thank you for the response. I don't want to be selfish and make him mad at all. Perhaps I should just apologize for pressing the issue so much and maybe he won't feel so obligated to do it just to make me happy. He definitely has fun being a dom when we play, but I never really considered how much work he has to put in to finding what works, what I like, what might hurt me, etc. I've never been a dom, so I honestly never thought that he might be getting a little burnt out from all the work. Maybe letting it drop for awhile will make it more fun for him to try for a longer period of time later on down the line.

    Glad you didn't reply with just "stop being a brat!" or something else insulting. I've never looked at it from his point of view, that maybe he was getting tired of all the work. I just don't think I can go from being extremely submissive to trying to be his "equal" after so long. We met in a club for this sort of thing, so I have honestly thought he was ALWAYS into being a dom and that that was something he would always enjoy. It doesn't matter if he's changed too much to do it so often, I will not be unfaithful, but it will certainly be hard going from a very submissive person to what he seems to want from me. I can give it a try, but...not sure if I won't somehow mess up and piss him off more.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Don't feel bad about not having thought about being dominant; dom and sub psychology are very different, and unless you have a real gift for psychology or you've spent time in the other role, it can be very hard to understand 'how the other half lives'. Both tend to simply assume the other half enjoys exactly the opposite of what they enjoy, without thinking about what they enjoy it or how their experience might be different.

    You've been talking with him, but apparently you haven't asked him what he enjoys about being dominant. So do that. Don't tell him what you hope he'll do; just explore the boundaries of your turn-ons. Once you learn what really pushes his buttons and why, you'll be able to please him more, and perhaps help him connect to a deeper level of dominance.

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