giving up

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by monocrome, Jul 30, 2009.

  1. monocrome

    monocrome Member

    sometimes i just feel like giving up and going back to doing my best at pretending to be totally vanilla. i actually recently had a friend who told me point-blank that she is "going back to being vanilla" even though she knows she will be miserable, because she feels she will be less miserable not being who she is.

    i know that i cannot do this because this is just part of who i am. i know i will not do this because willful ignorance eventually only leads to pain. however, lately i just feel like throwing in the towel, taking my ball and going home... even if that means i never really get what i want.

    anyone else ever had this experience in the context of the bdsm community? what do you do to cope? what do you do to not give up?
  2. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

    I have a series of quotes and phrases that help me find the inspiration i need to make it through the day.

    "The universe tends to unfold as it should."

    "I never did mind the little things."

    "I am that I am, which is all that I am."

    combine these with the poem, Path less traveled by Robert Frost, and you should have all the inspiration that it takes for me to make it through the day.
  3. Here is the big question. Why do you want to? What exactly is it?
  4. Being that I am new, I'm not sure if my advice in this arena carries much weight yet but there has been a couple of times when I questioned what I was doing and when I was more miserable, when Sir was asking too much of me and i wanted to cry all night or when I was having vanilla sex and bored to tears...the way I coped with it is asking for some normal time. I dont know if you are 24/7 or not but i need some normalcy in my life to begin with at least. Maybe just take a small break and give it another shot with somebody else...or renegotiate with your dom. If they care about you the way he/she should, they would rather you come to them with your feelings than just jump ship. Maybe your partner isnt aware of how overwhelmed you feel???
  5. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    I had never thought bout going back to vanilla I love my life
    vanilla is boring as hell and it's not pleasing me
    bdsm is part of me and i don't wanna lose it
  6. Stargazer

    Stargazer Member

    I think I have no choice but to go back to a vanilla life. For me, this is a crushing prospect.

    I have been married for years and we've often played with BDSM in the bedroom. Sometime ago I told her that I was wanting to change the way we lived, that I was wanting it not just to be a little bit of playtime every once in a while, but a lifestyle change.

    I was supportive, I allowed it to take off slow and to be infrequent; not wanting to overwhelm my wife with something that could ultimate harm our relationship if not done properly.

    But then things seemed to go stale. It was as if she wasn;t making any effort. We talked and she said she would attempt to improve. Nothing changed. We argued and she said things would get better. They didn't. I resorted to outright rudeness, anything to prompt a reaction out of her.

    In the end, I realised it was futile. She has no interest in BDSM as a lifestyle. I've padlocked all the stuff together in one colossal unusable lump and slung it unceremoniously in the corner of the bedroom, hoping this little statement would prompt a reaction.

    It didn't.

    So thats that. One more part of my life that I can't enjoy because the 'better-half' is unwilling to invest time in it.

    Of course, this thread isn't about my problems, it's about Master Jey's original question. So with my text in mind here's a brief version of the answer.

    To try and cope with all this, I explore my imagination and my fantasies. Of course, this just leads to more crushing disappointment when I open my eyes and realise that none of it will ever happen.

    About how not to give up, sadly, thats not up to me. I can't get what I need by practising self-bondage. So I just suffer from one day to the next and try to keep busy wth other things. Reading and writing mainly.
  7. That is the saddest thing I have ever heard stargazer. I guess I was in a similar situation though, my ex boyfriend wanted to make love all the bloody time. I wanted him to 'rape' me and leave marks on me, he refused. He couldnt even talk dirty to me. I was baffled. Eventually I broke up with him because I lost the sexual attraction. I get aroused by the really powerful and sometimes cruel men, and here I was dating a teddy bear. I couldnt even find the energy to kiss him goodbye most days. I became depressed and mean. I never figured out why until I finally found Sir. We even got into a fight last night because I'm such a brat and sometimes I hold my ground. But he was patient and kind and very firm. Exactly what I've been looking for. I could never go back from this.
  8. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    your boyfriend was spinless male...
  9. monocrome

    monocrome Member

    no, he was who he was.

    sorry, but i feel like i have to stick up for non-bdsm people. in this community we have to make sure that we are as open and accepting of other people as we expect them to be of us. he just was who he was. he just wasn't compatible with bluelagoon.
  10. monocrome

    monocrome Member

    I am married to someone who used to be bdsm'ish and sadistic, and after receiving treatment for chronic depression and ocd, he lost his desire and even his understanding of why he liked such things. i love my husband and my family. we're open and i'm allowed to see others for the purpose of keeping that part of myself sated, unfortunately, most people don't understand my situation and it's incredibly hard to find someone i am compatible with, who understands my personal emotional issues, and who i am attracted to.

    i found someone finally a while back who was perfect and i have lost him (for reasons i choose not to discuss here since they are personal to him. it was a choice he had to make and... i just sort of got dropped). i put so much of myself into any d/s m/s relationship i am in, that just getting cut off absolutely kills me. it makes me wonder if i can even handle this sometimes. also, the daunting task of throwing myself back into dating is utterly depressing. but this is a part of me. i can't even seem to go out to normal places and not be looking for well... what i'm looking for.

    there's this burning inside that won't go away. sometimes i think that if i just "give up" then maybe after a long time it will finally go away. then i remind myself that, the last time i gave up, i went about 9 years and the burning was still there that whole time. but i do still think about it: about whether or not living with the burning is better than the constant disappointment of meeting people and having them reject me (something that doesn't sit well with someone who already has a desperate need to please on a daily level, not just in the bedroom).
  11. monocrome

    monocrome Member

    *many warm hugs* i totally understand, but try to understand that it is likely just not her thing. it's not something that's for everyone.

    i understand the whole "trying to just exist in fantasy and self flaggelation and etc" thing as well. it almost just makes the pain more acute but you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    btw, everyone - sorry if this thread is a bit depressing, but i wanted to open it b/c of what i was feeling and b/c i've seen so many people feel it over the years.
  12. Nyx

    Nyx Member

    I agree. Thanks for pointing this out.

    You should feel free to discuss anything here. It's good for you to get this stuff out. I am truly sorry that you are going through this. :-(
  13. Thanks guys, I am glad you pointed out that my ex was just not into the same things sexually. Thats ok with me. I for the life of me cannot understand what the draw is to being somebody's 'toilet' but that is their life and their choice. I wont judge because I dont want to be judged. Everybody is different, which is wonderful, but it sucks trying to find somebody that will fit you.
  14. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    It was a joke :)
  15. I chuckled from the irony of it....i remember silently cursing him with a string of obscene words, they all revolved around that phrase masterjey. terrible of me i know, but i had felt tricked because he originally led me to believe he was interested in this lifestyle...then did the flip switch. very frustrating.

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