Boundary issue

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Gentlemancaller, Jul 5, 2011.

  1. Gentlemancaller

    Gentlemancaller New Member

    Without going into to much detail I have a sort of complicated issue. My slave and I live relatively far apart and sometimes we see other people in vanilla normal dating sort of ways. My slave fulfilled a fantasy of someone she was seeing this way by "pretending" to be his slave, for apparently all of ten minutes and she "didn't really do anything but lie there."

    She doesn't see the problem with this despite how much importance I put on the fact that despite the fact we see other people, being an M/s is special just for us. I'm looking for a way to explain it to her, but since she wasn't collared and it was all "pretend" she doesn't see it as a big deal. She accepts that I feel very hurt by it, but I really need her to understand and I can't seem to explain it.
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    There are two perspectives you can take on this. 1) She's your slave, and if you forbid something, it's forbidden. 2) She's your partner, being your master is your special relationship with her, and she gave that away to someone else. I recommend the latter approach.

    Open relationships require a lot of communication and clear rules and boundaries. She violated the rule that she has only one master, and that's you. But did she understand that rule? In other words, you had that rule, but did she know you had that rule? Had you established as a ground rule that she was only to have vanilla sex with other people? It sounds like you made that clear, but it also sounds like what she thought the rule was is not what you thought it was.

    Keep in mind that subs like to please people--that's what makes them submissive. When she was with this other guy, she naturally wanted to please him, as much as she thought she could within the context of your rules. So she either pushed the rule to its extreme, or she did something that she thought was entirely within the rules, but she did it because it's in her nature to do it. So I'd say you should forgive her.

    But I'd also say that you have a real talk about how hurt you feel by what happened. She needs to understand that she let someone step into territory that you need to keep reserved for you and you alone, and it damaged your ability to trust her. You might think about closing the relationship for a while so that the two of you can focus on rebuilding trust and strengthening your relationship.
  3. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I'd say to explain that not only did she disobey you, which of course isn't okay, but she did it in a way that almost violates you- it takes away from your relationship and position as her Master, even if it meant nothing to her, and though she may not have understood the degree to which it would bother you, it was also a rule she had agreed to before, and therefor should have known better before she did so- which I'm assuming is part of what bothers you. Obviously I can't see inside your mind and relationship, so I can't be sure what I'm saying is right, but you have to explain that she is violating your position as her master in various ways, from breaking rules to letting another man dom her without your permission, and in turn seeing that man as her dom, as though his standing with her were equal to yours. However, I'd commend her for telling you the truth, although it may have been only because she didn't feel she'd broken the rules.

    I've probably inferred a bit too much here, so go with what applies, or let us know some more to go with.

    She doesn't seem like she understood it would hurt you or break the rules (as sebastian also said), so I'd certainly forgive her.

    From here, I'd also suggest (actually, I think it's pretty important) that you and her discuss a more clear set of boundaries and agree to them. That way, next time there's no grey area as to whether she was collared by him, and she already knows how much it would bother you, did she break that.

    Edit- Hi Seb! We were typing at the same time. You were a bit more understandable, but at least we didn't say exactly the same thing in different ways. The fun never ends.
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2011

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