Helping a Friend, plz.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by AnErieGuy, Sep 27, 2010.

  1. AnErieGuy

    AnErieGuy Member

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    A friend of mine, she is a recently opened submissive, I brought her into it. She likes pain, humiliation, rape fantasies, and just over all sacrificing for whomever her dominant/lover is. The past fours years she's dated two assholes who wanted to "love" her but destroyed her emotionally, which she isn't into obviously, and she basically has no real back bone unless it's for something she feels is good for her, something vanilla.

    The issue at hand is she wants to date a guy who found out I had been texting her, getting her to open up about her BDSM side, and he told her friend that she was a slut a whore and she should go die somewhere. He's had a crush on her for a long time, three years (obsession style crush, like not getting the hint: IT isn't going to happen for three years.) She wants to date him now because she, like most Hispanics, has the "early age have kids" concept, mainly because she has mommy issues. So, where he isn't like, hurting her emotionally from what I can tell, hopefully she isn't lying to me, she is dating him to have kids, not becuase she loves him but because he loves her, and not because she thinks it can work, she will sacrifice for it to work just so she can have kids in a couple years.

    The thing I most worried about (aside from him being a total asshole in disguise) is that she is sacrificing a life she has blantantly told me she is inlove with so that she can have kids which she believes will be unconditional love and what not. She's a beautiful girl, much akin to my own girlfriend, and that's probably why I'm so fond of her and find it hard just to let it go and let her learn on her own. I realize some of this will require some sort of maturing but I feel I can't just sit here and let it happen, I just can't let her go on like this and drastically change her life just to have kids.

    I have her calling me Master to try and keep a link to those ideas and not let them die away like she has in the past, just to be with a guy. The weird part is she is willing to cheat on him with me as her Master when I come down to Texas for the holidays and I'm trying to figure out what exactly is going through her head. I know she's had a crush on me for like the past year (before any of this came to light) and honestly, if I said I'd give her kids in the next two-three years she'd drop this guy like a ton of bricks. I just can't do that, and I'm not saying I'm the right one for her, but this guy is just going to make her miserable, just like her past two relationships. He acts just like the other two guys and it's tearin me a part on a friend and love level.

    Part of this is mere ranting, but I also wanna know if anyone in the Texas area, if any, would find this to be a submissive they are looking for. She is sexual but not a horn-dog, she is sensual too, I've made her orgasm off thoughts alone, and she finds sexual pleasure of body as well, honestly, if she weren't so set on having kids so early in her life, I'd have her in an instant along side my GF (Who I have talked about this with and she kinda likes it but is more into it for the kink effect lol.)
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Erie, a couple thoughts

    1) One of the dangers of being a dom is the instinct to save people. We like to be in charge, to help people, to tell them what to do and so on, and we love the fantasy of being really in control of someone else's life. But unless she's your committed slave, you can't control her. She gets to make her own mistakes and screw up her life, if that's what she wants. If she wants to date assholes, she gets to date assholes. So remember as you're dealing with this that at some point, you just have to admit you can't make her choices for her.

    2) It looks to me that, without realizing it, you're stringing her along. She's clearly interested in you, and probably wants to be your sub, and you're encouraging her in that fantasy by having her call you her master. It's not helping her maintain her submissiveness; it's telling her that you might at some point have room for a relationship. If you feel the need to have her call you something other than your given name, have her call you 'Sir'. 'Master' strongly implies a serious two-way relationship, while 'Sir' is simply a term of respect that any sub may offer to any dom.

    3) But let's see if there's any way we can help you help her. Rather than telling her not to be with this other guy, I think the way to communicate with her is to focus on her desire to have kids. She gets to fuck up her life if she really wants to, but she doesn't have the right to fuck up the lives of her potential children. Children are not unconditional love machines; they require an enormous amount of time and energy, and as any parent will tell you, there are days when it's hard to feel your love for your children, and even harder to feel their love for you. And it's not like she can turn them in for a refund if she decides having them was a bad idea; she's stuck with them for the rest of her life. When you make the decision to have children, you have no idea what kind of people they will turn out to be; there is absolutely no guarantee that they will provide her the kind of love and reinforcement she is seeking, and having children so that you will have someone to love you is selfish and foolish. Another point to raise with her is what sort of parent this guy will be to her children. If he's an asshole to her, he will probably be an asshole to them as well; if he's abusive to her, he'll be abusive to them. Many young women have a romantic fantasy that having children with a bad guy will somehow magically transform the guy into a wonderful husband and father, but that's almost always untrue. In fact, the pressures of fatherhood may actually magnify his negative traits. So ask her if she wants to bring a child into the world with a man who will probably neglect, abuse, or be a lousy father to them.
  3. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    wow. whew. this is a mouthful.

    The only person who can convince her to move away from this guy is her. You can put as much energy as you want into this, but in the end everything is on her. You can direct her to domestic abuse services, you can put all the information out in front of her, you can be there as emotional support, but everything else is on her. Does she want to be with him? Has she tried leaving him before? Does she have any intention of leaving him?

    uhmm... what?

    Dont have her call you master, dont even have her call you sir. You are not her dom, she is in a relationship with someone else and involving herself with you in a sexual way is cheating. There's no way around that fact, if she wants you to be her master then she needs to stop dating her current boyfriend
    If she wants to find an online dom or playmate, that is totally her prerogative but it certainly shouldn't be you. You can be her friend and emotionally support her without bringing anything D/s related into the mix. I agree with seb, it seems like you're tugging her along without really knowing it

    Personally, I think the ONLY time someone should explore their dominant or submissive side is when they're either in a stable relationship, or single. She is neither of those things. I wouldnt say that being a submissive is something to explore while in a potentially abusive relationship
  4. AnErieGuy

    AnErieGuy Member

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    SLP: She was into me dominating her before she got with this guy.

    The quote you had SLP: She and I had been exchanging text, exploring her BDSM side and having her find her limits on things(pain, disgust, sexual tolerance, and being able to resist being horny and what not.) This guy found out and called her on her phone and accussed her of being a slut, a whore, and she should go die somewhere. This was entirely out of context of what I had been exploring with her. He now claims he didn't mean it but still thinks she should stop "getting around" which she doesn't.

    Seb: I like your third point and first point a lot. I know I'm a fixer type person, and like to think I know best for everyone when I don't. Usually I can stop myself with friends who have pretty stable lives, I just let them rant when they need to and give small tid bits of advice, but don't try to change them at all. Here I want to change her for what I percieve as the better, logically, I can't really do that, but I almost cannot stop myself and I know right now she is delusional about this guy and a relationship with him and it's probably gonna end with both her and I getting hurt, me before her.

    New Element to this little story: This guy is an ex-bf that I thought it was, but had not hard proof. She had lied about who it was becuase he told her to. He's playing the same game he played when they first went out, only now he's saying (day-in-day-out) that they'llk have kinds and be married in some nice house in two years or so. He plays the super nice guy for the first few weeks then starts making fun of her for messing up or being a ditz that she can be. He calls her a slut if she doesn't wanna hang with him, saying she's cheating on him, and she truly was forced to believe she was at one point just becuase she was hanging out with a friend(a guy) of her's and she had suicidal tendancies for a year after that. Now, she keeps saying he's changed, when I know he hasn't, he hasn't "dated" anyone since they broke up a couple years back. I tried convincing her for three hours last night that he hasn't changed and she couldn't give any proof that he HAD changed. She's got it in her head that for this relationship to happen SHE had to be forgiven for what she did, which was absolutely nothing, all she did was stand up to him and get hurt in the processes.

    I honestly have half a mind to get with him over Thanksgiving break and do some things I can't say without implementing myself here =.= He's a manipulative asshole and needs to be taken around the side of the barn... some of you know what I mean by that.

    Edit: My apologies for being a total drama queen, none of my posts have been without a problem and just ask a general question of curiosity like some fo you can do. I just happen to have all these happening around the same time in my head, I'm a worry wart, and I can be pessimistic sometimes lol. Will try and make my next post just a bit more general instead of so drama orientated.
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2010
  5. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

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    Oiiii weyyyyy.

    Here is my opinion: There really isn't much you can do. You can keep trying to help her, but as SLP and Seb said, she has to want to change first. And it sounds like she's already bent on the path of destruction. And as much as I want to tell you that you can save her from it, you can't. You can't save her from herself. Only she can. You can try to help her, you can be there for her, and that's about all you can do. It sucks, but that is the way it is.
    Unfortunately she's going to believe this asshole because he's a good manipulator. The only thing you really can do is keeping sowing doubt about him. Point out discrepancies, contradictions. She can only defend him and make excuses so many times before she realizes that maybe you're right.
    If you keep with her, and you do that, the best piece of advice I can give you is that besides being patient, you can't let up on her if you see she's getting better. Be happy for her, but don't think for an instant that there's a possibility she won't go back to abusive asshole numero uno.

    Sorry that my message is full of doom and gloom, but this really is one of those situations where it's bleak.
  6. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    No, stay out of this. You're her friend, not her brother. This is not your business, and I know it may sound harsh, but its not your fight either.
    Stay out of it.

    This is what I'm taking about, none of this. These things should stop.

    I'm sorry that your friend is in a shitty situation that she puts herself into over and over and over again. But again, aside from being there for her emotionally, there's nothing more you can really do
  7. kajmir

    kajmir Member

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    I was gonna say some things really insighful, but the pet and Seb stole them.

  8. AnErieGuy

    AnErieGuy Member

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    Uhg, having powerful emotions suck sometimes x.x.

    Thanks for the advice guys, I'll try to keep it all in mind, and not that it directly effects you guys, I'm not sure if I'll be able to control what I feel and what I do, besides me wanting to beat the hell outta him, I can't, I've got too much going for me right now to get arrested. Life as is has no answers, I guess I was magically expecting one to appear here that would make everything better lol. Again, I appreciate the insight and years of experience in helping me out here, I might paraphrase some stuff here to her and give her the idea that it's from other sources (which they are) to try and...... actually I lost my train of thought... it's 2:30am what am I doing up?! O.O

    I'll offcially call this closed, so no more updates from me, but if anyone wants to post their two cents, by all means, it shall be read! :)

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