Domina struggling with real time sessions, help please!

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Ana_X, Sep 15, 2010.

  1. Ana_X

    Ana_X New Member

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    Hello everyone, I just registered today in hope that I could find some insight/help/advice with whatever is going on in my head at the moment.

    I am a Dominant, I have been so for a few years now but only ever explored and grew with this online with subs from all over the world whom I'd never met, until now.

    In July I met a sub whom I had been chatting to online for over a year, a clever boy who's kinks intrigued me. I've always been fond of those who can hold a conversation outside of the likes of the topics 'beer, birds and football' etc. He was a fellow kinkster, a submissive who's company I enjoyed. We had many discussions online and over the phone, but as I said, in July this year I met him in person for the first time.

    Since then we have been in regular contact, I've spent days staying with him where we both dressed up in our latex and had some very slippy fun, and he has just recently spent an evening at my home too.

    But here's the problem as I see it. I'm no stranger to BDSM, far from it although I freely and willingly admit that I do not know everything there is to know (it would be arrogant to assume one knows everything about anything, right?) as I've only been involved in one way or another for around two years. Yet when sub and I are together and I know what he's wanting from the evening...... I seem to hit a bit of a mental brick wall.

    It feels almost as though I hit some kind of mental fridgidity when it comes to setting a scene for him. We have had a few scenes until now, but I feel as though I'm not giving him what he wants and needs because I KNOW he wants me to be more verbal and abusive, and although (as previously mentioned) I had spent much time doing this online and over the phone with others, I just can't get the words out of my brain and mouth when I'm in his company.

    I hear things playing over and over in my head, what I want to say to my sub and yet I just can't get them out. Being vocal is certainly an issue for me right now and although I can't pin point why...... now that I'm typing this... I think I've just had an idea.

    I am the Domina in our situation, he is my sub. I feel a great duty of responsibility and care to my sub not only for his physical well-being but his mental well-being also. I think that during this transition from online to real-time I've managed to put a lot of pressure on myself to provide what he heeds because he seeks it from me. I'm jumping from nought to sixty and it's maybe a touch over whelming.

    I don't doubt for a moment that I am a Dominant, it's in me and has been for years, right now I guess it's a case of taking the confidence I have in one area of my experience and transferring it to another? After all...... subs are trained all the time, but who teaches the Dommes?

    Hmm, I do apologise for that massive waffle on there, I just do need some input and certainly could do with having more Domme and sub friends in my life as all my old Domme friends seem to have vanished off the face of the earth.

    Any and all input would be appreciated.

    Ana X
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Ana, who teaches the dommes indeed. Better yet, who doms the dommes? Apart from the fun wordplay, I'm saying that because one thing that might help you is to find a domme to mentor you. My bondage mentor and I have a somewhat complicated relationship. We've both subbed for each other and we've dommed a sub together. These experiences have greatly enhanced my ability to dom. Subbing for Chuck has helped me understand what a sub experiences and how I can play on it, and it's helped me see the difference between my style and his. Domming Chuck has given me practice and confidence in my skills which then served me in good stead as I began playing with other subs. Domming alongside Chuck gave me a chance to follow his lead, taking some of the pressure off me to do it all for the sub. All in all, these sessions enabled me to make much faster progress as a dom than I possibly could have on my own. And it gave me someone to ask questions of and someone who could comment on my performance and help me see it from a different perspective.

    All of that said, perhaps I can offer a few suggestions for things that might help break your mental logjam.

    Do a talk scene. Instead of physically doing a scene with him, lie down with him on your bed and simply describe the scene. Both of you have to describe what you are doing and say what you're saying. Both of you can say and do anything you want. It would give you the chance to focus on the verbal play without the pressure of the physical performance. You can verbally abuse him online, so this would be a transitional step.

    Maybe the problem is that you're getting flustered by all the stuff you have to manage for the scene. So script it out in your head and do a couple of mental walk-throughs. Again, this will allow you to focus on the verbal part that's tripping you up.

    If the issue is that you have to be perfect for him, maybe just having an honest talk about your block with him will help. Admit your fears to him; in my experience talking about one's worries can substantially lessen them. He will probably reassure you that it's ok for you to be learning how to do this.

    Hope these ideas help.
  3. Ana_X

    Ana_X New Member

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    Thank you very much for taking the time to reply, Sebastian. I Will re read it and digest it better after a few hours sleep as I've just woken up from crashing out. I do think I'm getting myself quite worked up about all this, silly woman!

    Deepest thanks once more
  4. Boundperil

    Boundperil Member

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    That is very good advice.
  5. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Sebastian's recommendations are right on point. Sebastian... I envy you, to have had a mentor like that.

    There is another side to this. That being, the huge reality bridge between being online/phone linked, and being in front of someone physically.

    You've skipped a step....

    When you guys met, you met as an online presence, then expanded that to include voice. I'm sure when that happened, you will remember that there were differences in how you saw each other once you got used to the jump. You had more sensory input because you could hear his voice. You mental image of him evolved as you factored in his voice tone, inflection, accent, rhythm, and cadence. You were able to get almost immediate feedback from him.

    Now he's right in front of you. You've got all your senses and perceptive receptors working and you're going through another period of adjustment. Feedback is immediate on many different levels and you don't feel the same control and power that you did before.
    Add this to the idea that much of this (real life) stuff is new to you, and you've got someone that wants you to degrade and humiliate them in real life. Well.... that's different than playing at it through a phone or computer.

    You've got that, "I know him, but now there's so much I don't know. Will this really work the same way?" kinda feeling. This is where your block/wall is coming from.

    Welcome to reality.

    This is why you need to take Seb's advice. Take a step backwards.

    What's so nice about talking out a scene is that it gives you some of the same comfort zone you had on the phone, but he's right there, creating a familiar bridge.

    The more feedback he gives you, the more you will know him, and the more confident you will feel. That's why we all count communication as one of the most important aspects of these relationships. Not just talking, but communication at many different levels.

    If we all had a real live mentor around to guide us and practice on/with, many of us could skip quite a bit, but moving from web and phone to reality is just not the same as moving from reality to web and phone.

    Looks like you're gonna have to push through some of your own walls at your on pace, and make some mistakes, and learn lessons along the way...... just like the rest of us.

    My outlook for this situation is positive because;
    You care about him
    You question what you're doing, but you know who you are
    You had the guts to seek guidance and advice

    And think about this... The process of describing the situation in writing has already given you some additional insight. As a new Dom you might want to keep some sort of journal, maybe a non-dated one, to reflect on any given day about your experiences, jot down things you need to follow up on, and just record your own ideas about where you want to go, what worked and what didn't.
    .... or you could just tell us.

    Hope this helps, and I hope I got it right about most of your BDSM experience till July was online.

    Welcome to the forum.


    The books "SM 101", and "The New Topping Book" might be of interest to you.
    See if you can find them and pick them up.
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2010
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Time was when most doms received at least some mentoring because that was part of thr gatekeeping. This was especially true in the gay community. Not universal, but extremely common. And all the gay doms I've met have been willing to do at least a little mentoring. My mentor has taken on a number of students over the years because he wants to make sure the leather subculture survives and prospers. It also gives him an excuse to sub without losing his Dom status. There's even mentoring among subs. The tradition of mentoring is one reason I contribute to this site. It's a way to help others ad I've been helped. I think it's something all doms should be willing to do, because we need to help those newer than ourselves learn what bdsm is really about and how to do it in a safe and loving way.
  7. Ana_X

    Ana_X New Member

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    Finding a Domme to mentor me is something I'd very much like to do, and I have already been looking online for Dommes in my local area who might be able to assist with this. Something which may prove to be a barrier would be the possibility of going sub for someone. As much as I have dealt with it over the years, I am sadly a statistic of abuse and as such I feel that if I were to sub (for the beneficial insight of course) it may open a can of worms on which the lid has been firmly shut for a long time. So I'm not quite chomping at the bit to agree to my own submission.

    Having said that it's given me a thought. I suppose it's possible that due to my own life experiences, I would never wish actual harm on anyone nor wish to be the giver of actual harm, which may in turn be another reason why I feel so subconsciously restrained and cautious? I believe that a good dominant always has their subs best interests at heart and don't just go wildly flailing into a situation because they are 'Domme'. There is very much a duty of care which goes along with the position, much the same as mutual trust. And trust is something I am not able to give freely, so in my own mindset I feel others think the same way. Although I know I cannot think for nor shouldn't assume that of others.

    I have suggested a talk scene to him and spoken to him about my 'problem', he is quite understanding and patient, which is of course reassuring. I've also given him the link to this thread so that he may can catch an insight, as he knows I like to type (I blog) and any replies and suggestions on this page will of course be beneficial for myself to get my thoughts out and to him for having an insight.

    Thank you Sebastian.

    Everything you say here is very true. Part of my own nature is wanting to be as best as I can be, at whatever I turn my hand to (many reasons for this, not all pleasant) as soon as I can, which of course means I trip myself up, make mistakes and learn the hard way. Even sometimes taking the long way around a short course. This is a personal fault and I must learn to calm down and take my time. As sub reminds me 'Rome wasn't built in a day'.

    I agree that Sebastians advice will be of benefit to me and I have just this minute started a good old fashioned paper and pen journal which I can carry with me to jot thoughts or even plans down on. Reflecting on ones self is good, so long as we learn from the past to change the future for the positive.

    I'll be sure to order those books you suggested too, being quite a reader there are a few I'd like to pick up but I'll put the two you mentioned at the top of the list.

    My experience to date has been only online or by telephone until July of this year, you were correct yes.

    Thank you L8NightQ

    This is encouraging to know that at least somewhere out there, there is openness to mentoring. You have already been of help to me, Sebastian and I thank you as I do L8nightQ for this.
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Ana, I can really only speak for the gay community, but my impression is that there is a good deal of mentoring in the straight community as well. If you can't find a amateur mentor in your area, perhaps you can find a prodomme who would be willing to mentor you for a fee. Look for your local munch first or see if there's a dungeon in your area; you're likely to find mentoring there, although it might take you a while. In the 60s and 70s, early leatherwomen received mentoring from gay men, so perhaps you might find an older gay dom who appreciates that tradition and would be willing to help, if only by chatting. And for that matter, you might also look for a local chapter of a group like Dykes on Bikes and see if they can point you toward lesbian domme. The resources are out there.
  9. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Understanding the difference between good pain and bad, and the difference between hurt and harm is a major part of what makes you a good Top or Dom/me.

    The books I told you about will tell you much of what you need to know. In the mean time, if you have any specific question regarding how things should be done, please ask.
  10. kajmir

    kajmir Member

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    I just feel real silly.

    When reading her post, I just kinda assumed maybe she likes this sub a bit more then a sub and it makes her shy and nervous... It's always harder to impress someone we like.

    -palm forehead-
  11. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Very good point kaj

    So true.
  12. Ana_X

    Ana_X New Member

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    Indeed L8nightQ, I agree. I'm on the look out for those books you suggested and I will of course come to the forum with any questions I have on practises. Thank you.

    I can see how that may have been picked up, but it's not the case here. I do see him as a good friend but I'm quite recently single and still too raw from that to have romantic notions for anyone other than the ex.

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