I Can't Figure Out What's Going On Or What To Do

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Sugarfiend, Aug 24, 2012.

  1. Sugarfiend

    Sugarfiend New Member

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    Hi, my name is Ana and i'm a sub. I'm new but pretty familiar with the scene. Recently, I engaged in a sexual relationship (without commitment) with a guy that I came to realize I have feelings for that are pretty intense. From day one, it was supposed to be a 'fuck buddy' thing but for some reason i always felt something extra for him. He started off small, just some verbal and hair pulling. And as time went on and I saw him regularly it got more intense; spanking, choking, a little pain (anal), and plenty of humiliation. I was HOOKED. While we were involved I honestly couldn't even imagine being with anyone else. I've never had orgasms like that before and or so unihibited. Then he stopped without warning. I've missed him so much since. Nothing has been the same. I don't feel at ease anymore. Recently out of nowhere though he contacted me and used his usual approach by demanding my presence but I've been so hurt and angry that he left me alone that I told him not to disrespect me and made him apologize. It didn't feel right whatsoever and I've regretted it. I'm kind of seeing someone right now that I really like but I can't help the way I feel about this man.

    So my questions are:

    -Is this what I think it is? (A dom/sub relationship)
    -Should I just go back and apologize?
    -Should i discuss this situation with the guy i'm seeing?

    Any help would be much appreciated.
  2. Roland

    Roland Member

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    Sounds like a D/s relationship to me especially with him contacting you and demanding your presence again.

    What was the time period between when he stopped seeing you and when he recently contacted you?

    Did he give any explanation for the time period and did he apologize? How did that conversation go?

    Even though a Dom says disrespectful things to a sub, they still have to respect the sub and her needs. You may find that now that a line has been crossed, your enjoyment won't be the same with him. Then again, it might be exactly what you are looking for in a relationship. It's hard to tell where your feelings are at based on what you wrote.

    You are only 22, what level of relationship are you looking for and how old is the old guy and the new guy?

    I wouldn't discuss the situation with your new man just yet. Let's get more info first and determine the situation in greater detail before advice like that is given. Let's start there and see where to go.
  3. Roland

    Roland Member

  4. Sugarfiend

    Sugarfiend New Member

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    He stopped talking to me for a couple of weeks. And these are the texts from when he suddenly decided to contact me again:

    Him: How's your "relationship" doing?

    Me: What the...i'm not in a 'relationship' right now.

    Him: Good. I might need your services soon. Very soon.

    Me: I am not a hooker.

    Him: I wasn't planning on paying.

    Me: Don't treat me like one.

    Him: Ok? I thought you were into that?

    (I usually am)

    Me: I'm not. It's rude.

    Him: Ok nevermind. sorry if i upset you.

    Me: It's all right; i'm not upset. Just choose your approach a little better...especially if i haven't heard from you in a long while.

    Him: I figured it was better than "wanna fuck?"

    Me: How about "Hey what's up?" first? I may be someone you have sex with whenever but i am still a person.

    And i haven't heard from him since.

    I miss him sooooo much. He's 29 (the new guy is my age and not into BDSM) and i'm pretty certain that the last relationship he was in ended badly and he's not looking for commitment. I don't know what i'm looking for. I just know that I feel like I might have fallen for him and have this strange sense of being lost without seeing him on a regular basis.
  5. Roland

    Roland Member

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    This is a really tough call. I would like to see some other member's responses before saying anything more.

    It does sound like you are really into him. And it does sound like a BDSM relationship is what pushes your buttons. But, also consider the possibility that neither guy is right for you. The responses to what you wrote will come in, so be patient.
  6. Sugarfiend

    Sugarfiend New Member

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    I did consider that but the new guy is actually really special. He's sweet, caring etc etc. I wanna see where it goes. But I feel like something is missing. And I think that 'something' is a master.
  7. Roland

    Roland Member

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    Then you have made your choice about what turns you on sexually and mentally. That much seems clear to me. If your current boyfriend can't provide that to you, then you either tell him that you want to play outside the relationship (I doubt that will go over well), or you look to the Dom you were with or even elsewhere. Feel free to post in the personals:


    or on fetlife or something. My advice is to seize what you crave in your life. But again, don't do anything rash until other users here have commented. This is not a simple issue. Hopefully Sebastian gives his 2 cents.
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    1) Yeah, there's definitely a dom/sub dynamic with the first guy. You clearly enjoy it.
    2) Your ex-dom was being a jerk. He's acting like he has a claim on you without getting your submission first. If you don't agree to it, he has no right to demand it. So you're entirely within your rights to ignore his demands or give in to them, as you see fit. No need to apologize. And he's basically an ex-bf at this point.
    3) I'd say yes, you should talk about this with your new bf. He's special, which is wonderful, and there's no reason (that we know of so far) that power exchange can't be part of your special thing with him. Tell him that you like being dominated, explain to him that asking to be dominated doesn't mean asking him to be an asshole, and see what he thinks about it. Read the FAQ--there's a section in it on introducing vanilla guys to BDSM that might help you.
  9. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Sugar -

    I read thru this rather quickly so maybe I didn't see it, but it sounds to me like both of you thought you were fuck buddies, but both of you had gone beyond that.
    Is it possible that you may have had an interest in someone, or had gone out with someone and he found out, or saw you guys?
    His first text back to you was "how's your 'relationship'", or did you somehow transmit that fact to him at some other point?

    Sounds like he approached you to see if the buttons still worked and he could get back to some enjoyment with you, but you were right to back up. It's not always cool to jump back in with a Dom/lover who's been hurt. You're tied up.. he's mad, you see where I'm going.

    Roland makes a point though in that if D/S is living in you, and he's not capable of it, you're probably not going to last that long anyway, but I didn't see here where your new guy even knows how you lean.

    If you do re-establish contact, find out if he is hurt or mad of jealous. If so, find out if you guys have a chance. The sooner you do, the less it will hurt new guy.

    If he is just looking to use you... you should probably know that someone already knows you're better than that, unless you prove him wrong.
    With 7 years difference, he may be better at manipulation than you, so be careful.

    Remember two things.

    1. The toughest questions we face are usually the ones we already know the answers to. Look with both eyes, not one, and see.... not just what you want.

    2. We cannot control who we are attracted to, but we can control what we do about it.

    Always try to do the right thing. You'll sleep better in the long run, but not necessarily in the short run.
  10. Sate_Sprie

    Sate_Sprie Member

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    Talk to him, seriously. If you have feelings for him beyond fuck buddies tell him because you're only hurting yourself. Don't settle. If you want a relationship he needs to know. He's not worth you letting yourself get hurt just so you can keep him close. If he doesn't want to date you then the fist time someone comes along that he does want to date where will that leave you? You need to think about what you want and feel, not so much what he does. You're the only person that can take care of you.

    I've always had a thing for older guys and they are better at manipulating in my experience.

    As far as the guy you're seeing, you need to talk to him too. Same thing, if he doesn't want to date but you do he's no good for you. If you want a dom but it doesn't intrests him he is not for you. Never settle for less than what you want.

    Feel free to send me a message if you want. =)
  11. Sugarfiend

    Sugarfiend New Member

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    Well, i spoke to the new guy in my life about what i prefer and i was as honest i possibly be. He doesn't mind experimenting and trying his best to make me happy but i told him the truth; i just don't see him that way. Although i respect and like him a lot as a person, i can't take orders from him. I am so confused right now and I want to ask him if we are monogamous or not and if he'd be okay with me seeing other people.
  12. Roland

    Roland Member

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    At this point in your life (age 22), you should be finding what makes you happy and pursuing it. I am dubious that your bf would agree to having you see other people, but you can always try. I'm glad Sebastian weighed in and pointed out that your ex was being a jerk. My advice to you would be to seek out someone new to fulfill your desires. You could also give the ex another chance, but I see no reason for you to apologize to him.

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