Hello all! this will be my first official new thread. I've italicized the questions so you can skip the back story if you wish I've gone back as far as page 11 clicking and reading things in the general discussion, floated through some other BDSM question sites not related to this one. I joined a yahoo group and have a S.I.C.K. Munch meeting in less than two weeks (very excited about it.) I suppose after this day of learning, I have some thoughts about myself and questions in general that haven't been specifically addressed. I apologize if the following post is a tad rambley... What brought me here is that off and on for years, and lately the last couple of months straight, I've craved... general definition, abuse. I want to feel all over my body like I just got into a fight with someone. Heart beating, muscles heated, adrenaline pumping some places are sore now kind of fight. Maybe more of the feeling you get when you're wrestling someone and lose. Although even with this craving, I wouldn't necessarily want to be the one that loses. if all that made any sense! My most recent boyfriend, in the beginning (before he became a selfish lover) we would have wrestling matches (sort of) where mostly he won (never was good at sports) eventually this led to sex (vanilla.) But sure was an interesting foreplay! I also fantasize about having a boyfriend/consistent playmate just coming up to me at any point and bending me over and screwing me-in a way, using me for his desires as they arise. (I'm not much for foreplay anyway) but the more I read on sub play, the more I'm sure I'm definitely not sub despite having these "use for sexual pleasure" fantasies. I'm relatively sure that even if I indulged that fantasy, it would only be now and again. (considering how often I'm interested in sex, now and again could be 2-3 times a week). And I like getting verbally abused during sex, hair pulling, some choking, biting, sometimes slapped. buuuuuuuttt.... Essentially, I'd only want to serve a man if I felt like it- because I'm pleasuring MYSELF to pleasure them. And they had better show their appreciation or I'll get bored really quick. Most of what a sub "enjoys" would bore me if I did it myself. So the above fantasies and also liking a certain amount of abuse towards myself would throw me into the sub category-although I have thought of tweaking these fantasies to remain dominant even then. However, I have stronger fantasies and appreciation for the idea of a male serving me either temporarily in bedroom or as a lifestyle pet very exciting. I've strapped on and spanked with very heady mental responses in the past. So am I dom or a switch? or maybe I'm a dom who just happens to like very energetic violent sex on occasion? another question: when I masturbate I never think of myself. Like...ever. I have stories in my head of other people doing the things I like. Even the boys I've liked and wanted to lay- I think I've gotten as far as ordering them around (mostly mind control fantasies) and then I slip someone else in. To be honest, I have to say I do the same thing after a certain point even during sex- it's an exception to think of myself to the very end(or orgasm) Is this requirement for....disconnect considered a problem that I should focus on? Even when I'm getting the sex I want and crave (Very aggressive with verbal abuse) I eventually have to focus on my fantasy of other ppl to reach orgasm- even if they're doing the same thing. It's not that I feel bad about it- just curious if anyone else had the same "problem"? A lot of times I just want to focus on getting my scenario acted out- orgasm becomes a non issue because my other needs are being met like really hard screwing. If I really am 100% dom with masochistic tendencies, does anyone have tips for keeping the power balance while asking for acts that some would consider domination? or is that sort of impossible? I feel like I had more Q's but I forget and this is long enough ^_^ Since it's my own thread, I figured I could really let the thoughts out. Thanks for reading! I am welcome to any suggestions.