Dom needs reassurance

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Mistywillow, Mar 8, 2013.

  1. Mistywillow

    Mistywillow Member

    I need some advice on how to reassure my Dom.

    We have been in a long-term relationship for yrs & although I have always known I was a sub, he too thought he was too. At the beginning he stated he was not into the whole BDSM thing, but as time passed, I introduced little elements into our sex life, for example hair-pulling, pinching nipples, being tied, using a collar etc. Just recently I have persuaded my Dom to go abit further & as a result our play has really taken off & he says he has discovered & I encourage a side to him he never thought he had, his inner Dom. However, during a scene, where I was being mildly disobedient to encourage some rough play, all was going well until I started bleeding, of course, the scene was immediately stopped & my Dom was very caring & sensitive, but also very anxious & felt guilty as he was convinced he had hurt me. I tried to reassure him that I was not hurt or in pain & we spent the rest of the evening holding each other & discussing what had happened. Since then our play has lost it's edge & my Dom does not appear, to me. to be finding it as pleasureable as before. I have disscussed this with him & he says that he is fine & nothing is wrong, but I think he is worrying over what happened. How can I reassure him further & help him to regain his confidence?
    Just to say we are not 24/7 & outside of the bedroom we have an equal relationship.
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Harming a sub is probably every real dom's biggest fear. It can create a real sense of guilt, it can create doubts about the dom's skills, and generally undermine confidence. My suggestion would be to talk to him about which of those he is feeling. He needs to give himself permission to admit that he screwed up and feels bad. Until he can do that, he's going to have a hard time getting back on the proverbial horse.
  3. Mistywillow

    Mistywillow Member

    Thanks sebastian. We have talked about it & continue to talk about it. He does feel guilty & associates the bleeding with hurting me & causing pain, although this was not the case. He has also said that he is worried about not be able to control his strength & passion & I can see this is a very real fear for him. From your reply though I gather, he ultimately needs to accept this happened & forgive himself. Would it then be advisable to soften or even go back to basics for a while until he regains his confidence & can forgive himself? Although, I worry he will see this as me also losing confidence & trust in him. It hurts me to see him suffer & in turmoil & I only want to help him, but I don't know how.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    My approach to BDSM emphasizes honesty, openness, and communication. Vanilla people spend a lot of time not admitting what turns them on, being afraid of each other's desires, and generally not talking about sex. BDSM, when it's done right, can really facilitate honest discussions. One of my rules with my subs is that they can admit any desire they have to me; I might tell them I won't indulge a particular desire, but I won't shame them for it. And this also means they can admit their worries to me, and I can admit my worries to them. When you lower those barriers to communication, it's amazing the amount of bonding that can take place.

    So I guess advice is to tell him that it's ok that's he's afraid of harming you (I like to distinguishing between 'hurting'--the inflicting of good pain--and 'harming'--the inflicting of an actual injury). He should be worried about seriously harming you. That's a sign that he's a good dom. The bad doms don't worry about this, and therefore wind up harming their subs. And being afraid of something doesn't mean it's actually going to happen.
  5. Mistywillow

    Mistywillow Member

    We have always had good communication in our relationship & this will not change, we have been open & honest about our fantasies, desires & also limits. He did not step outside of any of these & play was within our own contraints. Alas, it was my body that did not agree, something that neither of us could control.

    Your advice regarding distinguishing between 'hurting' & 'harming' is very helpful & I will approach this with him, I think this maybe at the heart of his anguish & he could possibly be assuming they are one in the same. He has always worried about 'taking things to far' & 'causing damage' & always ensures I am comfortable & can safeword if nessessary.

    Again I thank you for your advice, you are very wise.

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