Frustrating vanilla husband.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by not so vanilla, Aug 28, 2012.

  1. not so vanilla

    not so vanilla New Member

    Hi, I posted a while ago for advice after realising I'd been having fantasies about aspects of BDSM for a LONG time! I've done loads of reading and have tried all ways to get my husband to read to understand mainly the actual D/s relationship and also the safety aspects. He'd agreed to do this and I agreed I would do whatever it takes to free enough time to make this possible (we have two children and he works full time so its not always easy for him to find the time and I see this as serving him as I'm the sub!) So we agreed that he could demand sex whenever he wants it when the kids aren't around and in return he would do his research and move things forward.
    However things don't seem to be moving forward. At the moment its still rough sex when he wants it, there seems no build up to it, and during it there are no rules and on the occasion he has made rules for the session he never enforces them. We've both enjoyed experimenting with light spanking. We tried switching once after I won a card game and that was my prize!! I wanted to give him an insight into what I want and feel I did ok even though it felt really alien to me! It was a light session, no bondage just commands to stay still and light pain play. He said after I hope you enjoyed that as its the last time its going to happen as although he enjoyed it he is the one in control!
    However it still doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
    I've been lurking around here since my post and have read a couple of similar threads and in one a member (sorry can't remember who) said that she wished she would have put a pile of books in front of her partner at the beginning and told him to read them or not to bother thinking of ever having sex with her again!! Maybe I need to be more forcefull now and tell him things will go back to how they were before if he doesn't get his act together soon! But then will that knock his confidence and make things worse? Oh I just don't know!
    We have been really busy lately so Ive been trying to be patient but I'm getting frustrated now and feel reluctant to oblige to his commands! we've done a list of the things we would like to explore and our hard and soft limits and I wrote a separate list with my rules eg no rough play in front of the kids, reasonable demands which are possible to achieve etc, this included things such as I would like him to make rules for me etc (sexual D/s relationship only) but even this hasn't made a difference!
    Any advice or ideas greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.
  2. DreamInTheDark

    DreamInTheDark New Member


    I am new here and I might not have much experience with D/s relationships (I am getting closer but still have a long way to go), but in a lot of ways I find myself in a similar situation. I fully understand the frustrations and I’ll tell you how I tried to deal with this problem.

    My man is definitely not much of a reader and I found that to be incredibly frustrating when I brought the idea of a D/s relationship up almost a year ago. I thought that the best way to get things started would be to give him a few articles on the matter – I picked out a few that I thought described what I felt and what I wanted. We would both read the articles and then talk about them. Weeks passed and I got a feeling that he still didn’t understand what I was trying to tell him. Then I realized – I wasn’t telling him anything at all. Reading can be great if you find a way to bring your thoughts and needs into it, but being a shy person that can be rather difficult and handing your partner a book might be the easy way out. So at the end my man had read quite a bit and still didn’t really understand exactly what I wanted. Ultimately I had to change the strategy; I continued reading and then I would tell him about what I read and we would discuss it and share opinions. I don’t know if this could work for you but it helped me.
  3. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I think you have to help him see what/where to research, and keep communication more open than it is, so he knows how much this is bothering you. I also suggest you read Sebastian's post on the Nice Vanilla Boyfriend/Husband in the FAQ, if you haven't yet.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Yeah, you need to talk to him. Communication is key. There are a couple things to keep in mind.
    1) Being dominant, setting and enforcing rules, and generally being in charge is tiring. It takes work and energy. So it's possible that your husband just doesn't have the energy to be dominant at the moment.
    2) He may be worried about not being dominant enough. Guys generally like to feel skilled at sex, so it's possible that he's worried that he's not proficient enough. If that's the issue, you can help him develop his confidence by playing into his actions; when he spanks you, show him how much you enjoy it by squirming, moaning, or whatever else you do when you're turned on. After you've played, tell when what you liked, what you wanted more of, and 1 thing he could have done differently or something he could have added. That will give him some guidance while helping build his confidence.
    3) He's gotten comfortable demanding sex and being rough, so it sounds like he's finding the dominant part of his personality. So ask him to add a new form of play that you're craving. For example, do you like being verbally abused? Then ask him to do that during sex--calling you his dirty slut or whatever. If you like the idea of being tied up, ask him to explore some basic rope bondage, like tying your wrists. You like being spanked, so maybe ask him to give you some regular spanking, or maybe do a role play scene where he gets 'mad' that you haven't done your chores and spanks you as a play punishment. Just add one thing at a time, and he'll slowly build up a repertoire of things he can do.
  5. Roland

    Roland Member

    Welcome back, not so vanilla. I remember when we first talked and it seems like little has changed since then. IMO, he is being a lazy dom, which is understandable because it is hard work as Sebastian pointed out, and if he is tired from his job, it can make things incredibly difficult. I think you need to sit down with him and tell him that there needs to be more quid pro quo. You have to have your needs satisfied to feel comfortable satisfying his. BDSM isn't sexual slavery, it's a personal understanding of your own natures and how they fit together like two puzzle pieces. The problem is, it is never that simple.

    I think you need to tell him what you want and say that you are no longer comfortable giving him the on-demand sex until you get more back. Let him know that you are enjoying it less and less because your needs are not being met. If he doesn't start working harder at being a dom, then dare I say, he is not a good dom. You may have to accept that and rescind the gifts you have offered to him, so that you are on more comfortable footing.

    He can call you cumslut and fuck you anyway he likes, but if he doesn't respect your needs and tailors the scenes to meet those needs, then he doesn't deserve your obedience. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is how I feel. That is my opinion, and I don't state it as fact.
  6. not so vanilla

    not so vanilla New Member

    Hi thanks again for all your thoughts and advice. I will try to talk to him again and make it clear how important all this is to me. I really want him to set some rules for the whole sexual side of our relationship and also we discussed deciding on a set night each week to play as I love the anticipation of it and I know I'd think of little else that day and there would be loads of sexy tx messages on those days so I would know that at least sometimes I would get the build up to it I crave. Do you think it would be a good idea to tell him how I'd like things to go for our first planned session or is that topping from the bottom?
    I will definately try the discussion after and try to give him one new thing to try at a time. It will be good for both of us as it will get me accustomed to communicating more and hopefully build his confidence.
    We have both read the post in FAQS, I've read the whole thing of course! I'm still trying to get him to read the rest of it, I think he's on pg 6!
    I guess there's only so much I can do and if all this still doesn't work then maybe I'll have to give up for a while and go back to our old ways for a bit.
  7. Roland

    Roland Member

    That sounds more encouraging. I do think you will have to top from the bottom a bit until he gets fully on-board. Communication and time will hopefully sort everything out.
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Rather than telling him what you want, perhaps tell him the sort of thing you want. You could give him a list of things you'd enjoy, and let him choose the bits he likes the most. Or you could write him a short story with a fantasy that turns you on. The important things is not to give him a script or a recipe to follow--that's topping from the bottom, and it may also make him feel like he has no choice except to do kinky thing X. What you want is for him to feel like he has choices and options and gets to pick the things that feel most right and sexy and dominant to him. That's how you nurture dominance.
  9. not so vanilla

    not so vanilla New Member

    Thanks so much again! Progress last night!! We watched 'secretary' together (thanks for the recommendation Roland!) and we discussed the control aspects of it and he was definately more assertive after! We didn't really talk much but we did discuss after what we really enjoyed.
    I feel much more hopeful now and think you're right Roland that communication and time are the key. Thanks for that suggestion Seb, I'd feel much more comfortable giving him a list of things I'd enjoy for him to choose from and can see how that would nurture his dominant side while making sure things progress.
    I think I'll still have the talk with him about where I see the sexual side of our relationship going as I really want to hear his thoughts on how he feels about 'owning' me sexually, but I think I have to accept that it will all be in his time as he told me when I first mentioned it all to him, that he'd want to take it slowly. Which is fine as long as I can see that it is moving forward!
  10. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    Hi not so vanilla.

    I've said it before and I'll say it again, this is going to take time! I have been trying to turn my other half into a proficient Dom for over a year now and it has been up and down, sometimes more down than up. He will have moments of brilliance where I feel like the penny has finally dropped then out of nowhere his confidence will crash and he will pull back and want nothing to do with it.

    Like Sebastian and others have said, it's about confidence and feeling competent sexually. This is very shaky ground with men sometimes. My man felt that by me wanting the bdsm I was not satisfied with him and this was hard to deal with.

    I totally agree that there needs to be more give and take though, he can't get it all his own way. Just be prepared to be patient. I know it can be very frustrating, I've been there myself but if it's something you really feel you cannot live without then you have to be prepared for this.

    Its not topping from the bottom to give him suggestions or talk about what you might like, if you gave him step by step instructions that's another matter.

    As for the reading. Again, my man doesn't like to read and yes, it can be pointless if they have all information but don't know what to do with it. I tried to find a porn movie I liked, more the way the guy was behaving towards the girl in it than what he was doing but my guy was completely bemused when he watched it, like 'is that it?' he couldn't grasp what I was trying to get him to see from it, he'd thought it would be more detailed like a how to. Total failure.

    Having said that, he is now showing more interest in it all again and even begun ordering new toys to play with.

    So try not to give up just yet :)
  11. not so vanilla

    not so vanilla New Member

    Hi thanks Subarama30. It's good to know I'm not alone! I'm glad you're getting somewhere after a long journey!
    Yea I'm accepting now that it will take time and I have to be patient, which as I said I don't mind as long as I know it is progressing! I am definately going to try and list some things that I'd like to try. Sometimes its hard to explain some of things I need from it, like the psychological side of it and like you say even when some things are obvious to me (like in the movie you described), he still doesn't get it and I'm not sure how to spell it out to him!
    Anyway thanks again and enjoy your new toys!!!
  12. Roland

    Roland Member

    More good news, nsv. I'm glad you both enjoyed Secretary (my wife and I have watched it 3 times and a fourth with the commentary). I hope he stays the course and accepts the responsibilities and the rewards of domming you. Good Luck!
  13. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    The psychological aspect is always going to be trickier I feel, they can learn how to spank or tie ropes etc but the mental side and adopting an effective and convincing Dom persona can take more time.

    You have to be really specific sometimes, which can be awkward, but it does help. He can see it as 'oh he's just got her kneeling on the floor and hits her' when from our side the appeal is in the way the guy carries himself, his direct eye contact, sure confident movements and get the idea. It can be hard to grasp that it isn't always about being rough but commanding.
  14. Winter

    Winter New Member

    Wow! Lots of interesting stuff in this thread....

    Maybe I am going about things the wrong way entirely and I should be trying to explore things with my partner opposed to finding someone else to satisfy that particular itch... It's a confusing place to be in...
  15. not so vanilla

    not so vanilla New Member

    Yes, loved the film Roland!
    Thanks again for the replies. I think you're right Subarama30 I will have to try to be more specific about it. It is difficult though, especially as I find it really difficult to talk about it anyway. I'll keep trying!

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