BDSM and abuse links.

Emma · Jun 7, 2009

I read something in a thread about the links between abuse and bdsm and really wanted more peoples opinions or experiences regarding it, didnt wanna hijack someones elses thread though so here we go!

So do you think that there can be a realtionship between this and abuse for some people? Do you think its unhealthy for abuse victims to engage in this as in there's an underlying reason for it and its not that they want this or not even that but maybe that their abuse has made them this way?

I was sexually abused by my dad when i was younger and it became very obvious in my early teen years that this effected me sexually. Im not really sure if my fascination with this is because of that because i do remember being interested in this before that happened. I used to fantasise about people forcing me to do things at a very young age. This also made it really hard for me to come to terms with what happened cuz i was convinced i must have wanted it and that maybe i gave off a vibe.

I do wonder if its a bad thing that i engage in this behaviour, like maybe its counter productive. But i also think that by not doing what i want to because it might have a negative effect on me is letting what happened to me control my life and thats something i never want to go back to.

Some of my little theories on it is that dominants who had their control taken away due to abuse have become that so it cant happen to them again. But then they can always be kind of submissive at heart because you'll find a lot of abuse victims find it very hard to say no when put in certain positions due to being scared and memories of it causing them to go back to that powerless state. But also submissive people who have been abused will often take that role as now they feel they are allowing it to happen in a sense and that any mistreatment is in a way their own doing and they have consented to it. And of course many can feel they deserve it.

Someone said to me before as well that maybe subs who have been sexually abused have become so used to it that they are unable to have sex any other way. Its the only thing they know and they have learnt to become aroused by it.

So i dunno i just think its interesting and im really interested in psychology, i study bits of it in college so i'd like to find out peoples opinions, so discuss!! O and obviously anybody who isnt comfortable talking about this publically could pm me if they wanted!

EZRA · Jun 8, 2009

First I disclaimer I am nowhere near an expert so please take anything I'm about to say with that understanding. This is all my own thoughts and my own take on my experiences so-far plus experiences from other aspects of my life.
first I am a submissive of this I have no doubt
I was not sexually abused as child beyond some strange midnight fondling by a babysitter some will call that abuse but I wasn't afraid I was just puzzled by it.
My abuse was not physical it was an accident of my parents priority's.
I have what they call "abandonment Issues"it leaves me with feelings of insecurity and neediness.
It wasn't the soul reason for my alcoholism but had a lot to do with it.
Now I'm not about to tell you that S&M fixed everything the truth is I couldn't really or safely engage in S&M play until I had reached a certain level of recovery and found a partner who in which I could place absolute trust.
And even then it was years before I figured it out and she was ready to accept our tendencies.

In my adult life when I was drinking I found that I had a tendency to attract abusive people,I also had a tendency to egg it on.
While S&M may outwardly look like abuse they are very different from each other, if it doesnt feel different some thing is wrong.

I don't believe there is any one as dangerous as those who deny their true selves or try and suppress aspects of their personality. That was cernity true for me only I was dangerous to myself. Not suicidal but continually putting myself into dangerous situations. Only by embracing those aspects of my self I didn't like or brought me pain did I start to find relief , gain control and start to heel.

I believe that there is some connection between S&M and abuse of all forms but I also believe it is not a simple cause and effect one.

I also believe that If the play is safe and consensual it has some real benefits. In the short time that Goddess and me have been engaging in it we have become more intimate and felt closer to each other than we have in some time ,we still have things to work out and our "issues" still come up but I fell better more secure less needy than I have ever felt be for so from my point of view it is definitely a GOOD thing.

I think there are always 3 aspects to major life issues and issues of ones self.
1. the physical (what you put in your body, were you put your body and your physical environment)
2.the emotional( what you think,how you feel, who you listen to)
3. the spiritual ( what you believe, how you express that belief, why you believe)

It works for me anyways.
Would I change any thing about my life? maybe once, but not now
now I like who I am and I am stronger for having gone through what I have.
and as for being a submissive which for me is the giving of all that I am to my mistress.
I don't know it's hard to describe, I feel pride longing excitement a knowing that I am giving my Goddess pleasure by my sacrifice and obedience gives me a sense of well being, purpose and really makes me freaking hot.

sorry it's a bit rambling and disconnected
but I'm still trying to figure it out my self.
what ever you do If doesn't feel right don't do it.
don't be anything but your self

Emma · Jun 9, 2009

No no I want people’s opinions/experiences! I don’t like just hearing a professional's point of view, its good to hear people's stories too.

I can see how your choice of lifestyle would help with your abandonment issues and I think it’s a good thing that it does help. I think that even if something like this arose cuz of negative things doesn’t mean it has to have a negative effect, as long as it benefits you its a good thing. I find that rough sex has helped me to stop self injury something my psych doesn’t think is a good solution. However, in my opinion it’s far better than the alternative so why not.

With your 3 aspects thing do you mean that when say evaluating an issue you kind of list the effects under them 3 headings or did I completely misinterpret what you were saying?

I agree with the not wanting to change what happened part too. I’ve become a far stronger, caring, open person because of what happened to me and also picked my career based on it which I love and get a lot of satisfaction from.

subspace · Jun 9, 2009

Emma, you self-injure? Does your psych. know about the BDSM part of your life? I ask b/c I just started talking to someone about self-injury and anxiety. I tend to do much better when my Top is around and when He is very controlling. When he works multiple shifts/days at a time I tend to let my anxiety take over. This is actually a new development for me so I am still trying to figure it out. I really donâ€™t think I could say anything about BDSM to my therapist at this point. I also have a history of eating disorders (college sororities tend to do that to you, 65 girls in one house). So itâ€™s funny that this all boils down to control issues and we (you, me and EZRA so far) have managed to self-medicate with giving away control.
I feel like I owe myself $200 for that bit of therapy!

Emma · Jun 9, 2009

I used to self injure, i stopped about 3/4 years ago but still get the urges, do you still self injure? I had eating issues aswell but they were never serious.

My psych knows a small bit about the bdsm like she thinks i have an unhealthy relationship with sex anyway. I told her i like to give up control in sex and about spanking and handcuffs, havent gone any further, mostly because she didnt react well. She thinks that sex is only a temporary solution to deeper problems and she also said it was unfair to use men like that. But my scars arent easy to hide during sex so its not like they dont realise i have hurt myself anyway.

Why dont you want to tell your psych about bdsm if you dont mind me asking. Just it seems like a very big part of your life.

Ye it is weird that self-injury and anorexia etc are all about regaining control over your life in some way but we want to give away our control. But i know i read somewhere that a lot of subs have really stressful jobs or feel really overwhelmed in life and thats why they find it very therapuetic to just let someone else make their decisions and not have to worry about anything themselves other than just pleasing their doms. I know when i was self injuring i felt as i everything had just piled up on me and the only escape i had was to inflict pain on myself. When i cut the release was so soothing and i get a similar release from an orgasm so i think thats why sex has helped me.

When do you experience anxiety? Like what brings it on or is it just a general thing?

subspace · Jun 9, 2009

Yes, I do still self injure, but I am very careful to not leave scars. It is such a release, hard to explain to others. But a good rush and the pain that lasts for a while is comforting and takes my mind off my stress. My stress is just life, work (big promotion), really stupid little things sometimes set me spiraling down which pisses me off that I lose control over little things. I havenâ€™t said anything about the BDSM b/c the therapy is so new, I am just not comfortable with her yet.

EZRA · Jun 9, 2009

I sorry I wasn't more clear in my post .
I guess what I was trying to say is that I find when trying to deal with serious problems or dysfunctions ,I have found that I have to work with those three aspects of my life if I'm going to be successful just tyring to fix "one" or change just "one" is not enough I have to work with all three.
Psychologist only work with the emotional
Doctors only work with the physical
Religion only tries to deal with the spiritual( poorly in my personal view)
That's why I feel that people get so little help from those professions because of a kind of tunnel vision each one has they don't see the interconnectedness and end up only treating symptoms or giving useless advice.
in some ways I feel like S&M works on all three levels and therefore it can have a profound effect if done right with the right person.
I swear I think of Sparrow as a mental health care worker from his post's it's evident he cares for his sub's and is trying to help them overcome issues.

It has been over 15 years since I last took a drink I could not have done that alone or if I had only taken one approach to my alcoholism. In AA you have a "sponsor" who in many ways is like A Dom , in your relationship to them.
I hope that clarifies what I was trying to say.

Emma · Jun 9, 2009

I wish i had of been that sensible when i started self injury but i was only about 13 and didnt realise that it would be something that would always be with me. Definately dont ever move on to anything that would give you scars that would be my main advice to you.

I know what you mean about the pain being comforting i used to find the more painful or long lasting i made it the better i felt afterwards, thats why i had to stop it was getting far too extreme.

Ye but it can be the small things that set you off sometimes it doesnt have to be huge life changing events that make you stressed. Ye i get ya it takes a while to want to fully open up with a therapist, do you think you will tell her eventually?

subspace · Jun 9, 2009

Sorry,EZRA we started going off on a tangent but i do understand your point. My relationship with my Top is sooo therapeutic because of everything you just mentioned. It does work on so many levels, I don't really understand it, but it does help

Emma · Jun 9, 2009

O i get what you mean ezra, i think thats a really good approach to take, incorporating all three. I think im going to try and focus on it more like that cuz i do tend to only deal with one at a time and ignoring the rest. I never saw S&M as a spiritual thing, why do you think it is?

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