Abuse and BDSM?

My Love My Lord · Oct 8, 2009

I had a conversation with my extremely vanilla ex a while back about my BDSM preferences that I took offense to and wanted to get others opinions and experiences.

A major sticking point with my ex and I was my preference to have BDSM play a part in our lives and his extremely strong aversion to it. He viewed it as disrespectful amongst many other things. Heâ€™s totally convinced though that I have some past abuse that I wonâ€™t tell anyone about and thatâ€™s the reason why Iâ€™m submissive. I was very offended at the way he approached the conversation, utterly convinced that there must be some past trauma in my life to explain what â€œwrongâ€ with meâ€¦

I imagine Iâ€™m not the only one to experience thisâ€¦

So, I know this is going to be a hard topic, but, I am very curious as to how much of a role past abuse plays in someoneâ€™s preference toward BDSM as this is not the first time Iâ€™ve seen people make assumptions like this. I know several people have made references on previous threads about past abuse. Iâ€™m not asking anyone to share any details they donâ€™t want to, just as simple as are you a Dom or sub, and, have you previously been abused.

Thank you!

Mephistopheles · Oct 8, 2009

Definitely nothing wrong with you.

The perception your ex has is common among those who don't (and never will) get it. They see it as nothing more than a bizarre sex act. They cannot comprehend the totality of the mental and spiritual sides that are the basis for the 'role', the 'act' (and the relationship itself) without attributing it to something negative. Unfortunately, with that premise, there's really no way to try and explain it to them.

Neither I, nor anyone I've been with in an extended relationship was ever abused. None of them would have stood for it as adults and were definitely not subject to anything out of the ordinary as children.

Granted, this is just my experience.

ReallyGreen · Oct 8, 2009

My parents never even spanked me. Maybe if they got it out of my system when I was young.......

My Love My Lord · Oct 8, 2009

Mephistopheles - That has been my experience as well. Granted, I don't know many people in my personal life who are in the BDSM lifestyle, aside from My Lord and myself. The friends I have that are aware of the true nature of our relationship are really accepting. It just couldnt keep me from wondering what everyone elses experiences are.

Sub4Life · Oct 8, 2009

Never been abused, well, without asking for it. lol ;-)

My Love My Lord · Oct 9, 2009

Sub4Life said:
Never been abused, well, without asking for it. lol ;-)

I think that falls under the sub heading: â€œYou canâ€™t â€œrapeâ€ the willingâ€¦â€ LOL

Death · Oct 27, 2009

First of all, I'm dominant.

Unless you talk about the more or less fairly mild bullying that I experienced during school, and my father who never has showed much love for me nor much respect for me, as well as his tendency to being a control freak, then I'd say that no, I have not been abused. My father may have been mentally difficult to me many times, but overall he is a decent person. Some bullying and and an overall decent father that I at times have hated is not what made me the way I am today. Many would keep focusing on my father, in regards to this, but I know that he isn't that different to other parents, and overall he is a decent person. Some would otherwise argue that something might have happened in my childhood, that I don't remember, that might have made me the way I now am, but I remember my childhood very well - I remember things down to being just two years old - and also, my parents used to be very protective of me. Nothing particularly bad has ever happened to me... honestly, I count myself as lucky.

Some people who have been abused do develop an interest in BDSM because of that, but that it'd usually be that way? I don't believe it.

My Love My Lord · Oct 27, 2009

I would have to agree. While I do not know many people in person that are in the BDSM lifestyle, those I do know don't have any abuse to speak of.

prettylittlefucktoy · Nov 2, 2009

This is a pretty heavy post for a first, but I want to say it.

As a sub who has been a victim of sexual abuse, it's especially frustrating to hear perceptions of us being subs because we're damaged or because we're fulfilling a pattern of abuse.

I can't speak for anyone but myself, but personally, giving up power to someone who won't hurt me is such an incredible experience. Before I was with a dom, I was always trying to take control in any way that I could. I called all the shots, and I constantly felt like I had to defend my position as the boss. I never felt safe, I was always on guard, and I had a really difficult time with sex as a result. I was suspicious of all my partners - even ones who I know were harmless and who never hurt me (or ever would).

Enter my master. At first, I wanted nothing to do with the dom/sub play. I thought it'd be terrifying, that I'd feel defeated and just collapse into a panic attack or numbness, or something. He didn't push it. A few weeks passed and I got curious. We weren't dating or anything but I started talking to him about it - about what he did with his slaves, I wanted all the details. My curiosity was steadily growing.

Eventually I tried it with him. We picked a safeword together and then he tied me up, ordered me around, and fucked me until I could barely walk. Not once was I even remotely concerned for my safety, not once did I wonder if he'd stop if I said no, or if he'd ignore me if I was clearly in discomfort. Giving up control made me feel safer than ever before.

I'm having trouble articulating it all clearly, but being able to explore rough sex and consent with someone I trust puts rape further and further behind me.

So you know what - yes, my history of sexual abuse very much contributes to my experience of sex, but not because I'm damaged and I'm looking to be re-victimized. I get to re-claim sex. I get to enjoy it, explore it, and not be afraid of it despite what happened to me. So if that makes me damaged or fucked up - so be it, I wouldn't trade my experiences with my master for the world.

My Love My Lord · Nov 2, 2009

Hi PLFT, first off, Welcome to the forum!

I totally understand what you're saying as far as the trust. My ex (same one I mentioned in the original post) used to always say how I never trust people and Im always looking out for someones hidden agenda (they usually have one, even if they don't want to admit it to themselves).

But, with My Lord, his agenda is always evident. If he wants something, he takes it (and I am happy to give it to him). There's no guessing as to what he's after or what his motives are. I am his and as such, I know his motives are pure. He will do what is best for himself, and for me as his slave. Since I am his, I know that he would never want to do anything that would negatively impact me. It's a very different kind of trust when you submit to someone else's will. Personally, I think it's far more intense a trust than anything I've experienced elsewhere.

Abuse and BDSM?

Are you a Dom or sub, and have you previously been abused?

Dom - Not abused

Dom - Past abuse

sub - Not abused

sub - Past abuse

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