Work v. Dominance

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by AnErieGuy, Sep 21, 2010.

  1. AnErieGuy

    AnErieGuy Member

    Ok, summary: My GF is older than me by 2 years 2months, I have been told in my previous thread to seriously consider taking our relationship to a more "extreme" level since we are so close and trust each other so much, this being space and time provided. She currently will, if we move in together this coming year, be paying the majority of the bills. Where she can't be dominant in bed, when it comes to day-to-day life with people she is a bit more assertive than I, least when sticking up for people or herself or what she believes in. So, naturally, if we debate/argue over things, it can get heated, but when I want her in the bedroom to suck my cock and do it a certain way, within safety parematers, she'll do it. We now come to the conflict. She wants to be a working girl, doing her job and what not, and me not going to have a job till at least my senior year college (Per my grandfather's demands, won't go into that) that kinda puts a damper on me being the dominant one. Also, the idea of having this as a lifestyle for us, which I would enjoy, and think I could convince her that she'd enjoy it too, is still in question. The main issue here is: How does a dominant deal with not being a provider? Any other ideas on some of my issues here that are sub my main question would be nice too. :)
  2. kajmir

    kajmir Member


    This isn't the 50's and a dominant is not a husband. You ARE a provider, just not in monetary units. What you provide is sexual/emotional/physical aggression and stimulious that she enjoys.

    I mean even just in a standard vanilla way you're not exactly a pioneer with the woman bringing home the bacon, just the diff is you and she both enjoy her being commanded to cook it... If the money is a big deal to you, then find some other way to contribute, take over more of the cleaning, a few extra errands. Talk to Grandpa Dearest and see if he wants to contribute a little fincially so you can pay a phone bill, I mean this IS his idea.

    And frankly, I'm sure there's a few doms out there who insist that their sub bring in the majority income AS part of their dominance, hell makes me consider going domme.

    I also question why the age difference bothers you, it's rather slight yet you've brought it up...Back in the day, 2 years when you're 14 might be a big thing...but at your age now it's not.

    Drop the club Cavedude! -rofl- This doesn't make you less manly or less dom. It just means she gets to open the bills, be grateful!
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2010
  3. AnErieGuy

    AnErieGuy Member

    The age doesn't really both me, it just feels like there is a gap of dominance to submission with the age, the fact that she'll be paying majority of bills( papa IS gonna have my parents send me money monthly) and then she WILL be cooking. I know it's not the 50's, I understand, I'm happy she'll have a job she can be proud of, really I am. But how does one going about even this being a form of domination without being seen as me just being a lazy slob. Logically, I can't get a job or I don't go the school, it makes sense, but try saying that over the course of a year, maybe two, that logical explaination turns into an excuse of just not wanting to do anything. That in turn would take away from the respect aspect between pet/master. Least in my mind, I might be over thinking this, and if I am, just say so, I just kinda like having a plan if not an idea in my mind on how this should go. Ya get me? x.x
  4. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    I agree with kajmir, a dominant isn't necessarily a provider (if that were true, then you STILL wouldnt be a dominant since you aren't supporting her now either.
    She's older than you (out of school I assume) so you wouldnt really be able to pay a lot of bills while in school anyways. If you really want to help her with funds you could always get an on campus job! They're usually pretty low paying and low with time consumption but it would be better than nothing.

    Wait, I thought you went to school?

    Maybe you could help her cook? or clean?
    If you feel like a lazy slob, then go do something that makes you feel like a contributor to your living conditions (clean, learn to cook, buy groceries, listen to her problem, massages, etc)

    I think you're over-analyzing a little
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2010
  5. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    It's simple, talk to your gf, find out if she thinks you're a lazy smuck. You've got it stuck in your head that the man is ONLY a man if he contributes money. And again this is not the 50's. You're contributing SOME funds, you can clean, you ARE going to school not sitting on your ass. No one here readng this thinks you're being a lazy sob, it's simply another situation in life....the real problem I see here is your defination of what a man is and a dom.

    Not sure about the rest of you, but in my mind a man is someone who takes care of those he loves the best he can and NOT purely fincially.
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    What Silly and Kaj are missing here is that for most men, it is extremely important to feel like they're successful at work. It's a pretty major part of the male psyche, not just something you can 'get over'.

    My advice is that you change the way you're thinking a little bit. You're in school at the moment. College is a phase in which you're not expected to be economically productive, and in fact don't yet have the tools to be economically productive. Your job in college is to acquire the skills that will allow you to become productive later on. So your contribution at this point is to work hard in college so that you be economically successful later on.
  7. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    its hard to think like a man when you're actually a woman =P
  8. AnErieGuy

    AnErieGuy Member

    Silly: Check your pm's :p

    Thanks guys, I'm a guy who wants to please as well as dominate. I don't want her to feel like she is the only one who is doing the respecting I guess, and to me, being able to equally represent each other in society, and take out respective roles in our home. Been talking with her about it, she seems to be warming up to it a bit more. Thanks again guys, think I have it mostly figured out. :)
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Silly, funny how that works, isn't it?
  10. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    I didn't MISS anything. The point is fincial consideration is not the ONLY aspect that makes a man a man and even A MAN will agree. Silly and I are pointing out there is other ways he will and can contribute, which was exactly on topic.

  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    And what I'm saying, Kaj, is that is a much easier idea for a woman to accept than a man. For example, studies show that unemployment is much more likely to produce depression in a man than in a woman. Men frequently hide being fired from their wives (I had a friend who did it) because they feel deeply ashamed. Women are taught from an early age to take a lot of their self-worth from their appearance, while men are taught to take it from their economic contributions. Our culture has developed some mechanisms to tell women that they can take pride in things other than their appearance, but it has few mechanisms to tell men they can take pride in something other than their work.
  12. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    FINE be all logical and understanding and shit.

    You can be so ...YOU sometimes.

  13. Okay, enough arguing now.
  14. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    Argue with Seb?

    I didn't think I looked stupid...

    -checks face n hair-

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