When is a fetish a problem?

fourdegreessober · Jun 26, 2010

Hi again...and thank you everyone for your advice/opinions.

I've gotten my bf to open up a bit about his fetish and I've learned where it manifested from. He told me that the first time he had an orgasm was in the bathtub when he was about 10 or 11. He said he always associated being in the water with sex since then.

Honestly I don't think he ever told his ex-wife of 26 years this and I feel good that he's willing to tell me about it. He hid this fetish from me for the first few months we were together and I think he hid the degree of it from his wife all the time, causing him to go outside his marriage to seek satisfaction.

I am trying not to take everything he does so personally...such as the videos he watches, etc. I would love to make his fantasies come true as long as he is willing to make mine come true. His deepest fantasies involve restraint and bondage of some sort-but always in the water. I want the bondage. I'm hoping we can combine our needs....

I do love this man totally and I want this to work between us. We are both VERY sexually oriented and I think we could be very good together if we can find a solution to this issue. I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet.

sebastian · Jun 27, 2010

Getting the doors of communication open is a very good sign. Fetishes and addictions can both inspire a lot of shame and dishonesty, and those can create a lot of barriers to healthy relationships. So keep talking to him. Make it clear that he doesn't need to hide these desires from you, even if you don't share them. Once you've cleared away the shame he probably is wrestling with, the two of you need to honestly appraise what's really going on. Have an honest discussion about whether his fetish and his porn use is an addiction. Does he feel unable to stop using porn (and by stop, I don't mean not look at it for a day or two--I mean give it up long-term)? Does he feel like it's hurting his relationship with you? Is it leading him to lie to you about things? If the answer to these questions is yes, he's an addict. If he's able to admit that there's a real problem here, ask him to seek out Sex Addicts Anonymous, the most kink-friendly of the sexual addiction recovery fellowships.

It's important to realize that his porn use isn't about dissatisfaction with you. You could be the most amazing lover on the planet and he'd still have these issues. (Halle Berry is a stunningly attractive woman, and Sandra Bullock is pretty hot too, and yet their husbands cheated on them.) My ex used to talk about his addiction as a living thing that wanted him to be sick, and did everything it could to pull him down into porn.

But you also need to learn the importance of setting boundaries with him. Don't just keep making concessions to his problems. Set ground rules that you need him to abide by and consequences if he can't abide by them. Loving an addict can be very challenging, because it's hard to hold them accountable in a way that doesn't hurt you as well as him. I think I suggested seeking out Al Anon, which is a support group for those who love addicts. They can help you learn coping strategies and how to recognize the tricks that addicts use to manipulate their situation. Good luck.

Sparrow69 · Jun 28, 2010

I agree here, communication is by far one of the most important aspects of any relationship, but that doesn't mean that you should overlook safety. set some boundaries, talk about each thing you do before and after, discuss what was good and what was bad, and build on it. Gook luck, and I'm glad we could help.

fourdegreessober · Jun 28, 2010

I don't want you all to think that everything is hunky-dory here since we had that discussion I mentioned. This is still something between us that I can't get out of my mind and keeps me from wanting to build a future with him. Everything else is good except this fetish and of course it's a major thing as it's so intertwined in his life. Half of the time I feel like throwing him out...yes I can be quite erratic. I guess I just feel violated some how...almost like he's cheating on me even though it's just porn he's looking at. But very specific porn that is....

I'm just venting now, but I'm glad I can. It's not really a subject I can bring up with my family.

When is a fetish a problem?

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