This journey makes my brain hurt sometimes...

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by PrettyInInk, May 16, 2010.

  1. PrettyInInk

    PrettyInInk New Member

    Hi again all you awesome advice givers :) I think I need a little advice from experienced subs and maybe just a little place to think some things through/whine. I had no idea how much thought and brain power was going to go into unlocking such a fantastic and fun part of my life. My brain is tired!

    So, I always always knew that I was submissive, and I knew that I had some pretty unusual fantasies, but I didn't realize how far my submission went until I met someone truly dominant, but there are some snags I'm hitting.

    First is that, I'm totally in a frenzy and can't think about anything else. I feel, sometimes, like my brain is pretty useless for anything else, which is not great because I have a pretty demanding job. I'm sure this will pass, but I'm so impatient and just want more, more, more... But, I'm trying not to be a bratty, demanding little sub, which is compounded by the problem that he lives hours from here, and I can only see him every few weeks for a night... It makes me very sad :(

    Second is that I'm definitely a center of attention sub, who's trying really hard not to be. The man I've met is... perfect. 100% effing perfect for me in bed and out, save one thing: I need some sort of relationship-y-feeling type thing, and he really, really doesn't. He's been fairly up front for the last 2 months about it (we've been doing this 5 months or so), and I know where he stands (sort of), so I know that I can either choose to bow out or deal with the fact that I won't be his only sub... And mostly, I'm ok with it (especially when he tells me I'm his favourite. Haha), but it's not always easy because I have feelings for him for sure-- but isn't that kind of inherent if we're getting into a Master/slave thing?

    I'm rambling because I can't even think straight about this anymore. I guess my question is this-- has anyone ever dealt with this before, and how? I just don't think about it usually, and when I do I just tell myself that it makes him happy to have other women & no commitment, so that makes me feel good that I can be a part of that happiness. I'm trying to condition myself, I guess, and it's kind of working-- except when I think about the future because it makes me wonder if there is a person out there who is what I dream of, and if so how the heck a shy girl like me finds her master in such a big fricken world :(

    I'm not sure I'm making sense, but maybe someone can find some... Or ask the right questions so I can start to! haha
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  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    wait.... the problem with him is that there's no romance?
    And that he has other subs?
  3. The problem is that she wants a relationship to build a future on, and he doesn't...

    Ink - Unfortunately, the choice is yours. You need to decide whats more important to you and what you're willing to risk to get it. How long will you be content playing the partial role? For some, they do quite well at it. I have tried and it's not something I can deal with. We can't tell you what you want in life, or when you want it bad enough to fight for it. Be that with him, which really doesn't sound as though it's an option. Or fighting your own fears and insecurities to put yourself out there and go for what you really want.

    As someone who has been in a similar situation, I completely empathize. Not only are you facing the decision as to whether or not you should continue on with a man you obvious have feelings for, but, you also face the fear of not finding a relationship that will fulfill your submissive desires.

    The best advice I can give you is to keep focus on what YOU want. Not just in the short term, but in the long term as well. That isnt to say that the relationship you currently have isnt working at the moment, just that you are going to be faced with the choice of either continuing on in this fashion, or having the strength to attain your longer term goals in life. There ARE other Doms out there. There ARE other men out there. There IS someone out there who can fulfill the relationship that you are looking for. It's up to you to determine when you're ready for that though.
  4. PrettyInInk

    PrettyInInk New Member

    Silly-- the problem is kind of hard for me to voice, so I see where you're confused. I am! It's not a lack of romance, really. We act like best friends, or even like we're dating, and he's really considerate & caring & lot of fun to be around outside of all of this. We've talked about it, but he's not the most clear person ever. I know he's dated people, and I know he was really committed to someone once. I also know he doesn't want to give up the bunch of other women-- why would he, right? I know he cares & really likes me as a person, period, and once when we talked about it he said something like 'we could give it a go, but I don't think you'd like the outcome.' What the heck does that mean?

    Truth be told the other women don't bother me that much really... It's the total cluelessness on my end. I know he's said he's a commitaphobe, I know he likes having other women, but I feel like there's this 'maybe someday' hanging out there somewhere, and even though I try to tell myself not to be stupid, I can't help but have a little part of me that's hanging on to that maybe in the back of my head.

    My Love (ha, that sounds funny), I really appreciate your kind words. Something really hit there, and I kind of opened up and cried a little after reading what you said... This has been a big rollercoaster for me, going through realizing this about myself fully, to falling for someone I thought might be a relationship, to accepting that it probably won't be, accepting that he has other women (totally new to me)... realizing that here's one more "weird" thing about me that makes it harder to find someone that will be what I dream of, even though I'm no longer sure what I'm dreaming of...

    I guess I just needed to hear that I'm not alone... ? Since I really don't know what I want/ would make me happy, I think I'll keep on with this because even though it's slightly torturous to want more from someone, it's better than nothing. I live in a really remote area, and I really just don't have the guts to get in on the scene, nor do I really have the patience to try to meet someone I'm compatible with (hard!!), only to find we're not when it comes to all of this... :(

    Some days I almost wish I hadn't found out about this side of me... almost ;)
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Pretty, I'm sorry this is a confusing time for you. About the best advice that I can give you is that not doing something simply because you're afraid to do it is not a good reason to not do something. What I mean is that: if you are dissatisfied with your relationship with your dom, and your reason for staying is simply that you're afraid to leave because you might not find another man who makes you happy, that's not a good reason for staying in the relationship. On the other hand, if you're staying in the relationship because you're learning and growing but you're aware of this other issue that is making you unhappy, then maybe you should stay in the relationship and see what you can get out of it. All the things that I really regret in life were things I decided not to do simply because I was afraid to do them. I've learned that when I say "but I'm afraid", the best answer is "so what? Being afraid doesn't mean you don't have to do it."

    Hope that helps a little bit.

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