Ending a D/s relationship

sebastian · Feb 15, 2010

So my sub Alex just told me that he doesn't want to do kink now. He just doesn't feel right about it. And he told me that he's 'probably not' interested in me as a vanilla partner. I'm upset, but not devastated about it, but I guess I'm looking for a little guidance about how to process things.

Alex was the guy who helped me realize that I was dominant. He offered to submit to me and once I understood what he was offering me, suddenly I started to understand all sorts of things about myself that I'd never fitted together before. So he plays a pretty big role in my mind, even though the relationship was only a couple months long, and much of it was conducted online because of his travel schedule.

A big part of what I'm trying to process is the abrupt loss of control. Up to today, I had control over him and was starting to think of myself as his owner (at his urging). Now I don't have control. But being his dom is about controlling him, so there's a big disjunction in my head between what's happening and what's supposed to be happening. Do other doms have trouble with the loss of control when a sub decides to end the relationship? Any advice or thought about how to deal with that?

MstrBrian30 · Feb 15, 2010

I just learn to deal with it and move on. I know it's not what you want to see, but D/s relationships to me are like highschool relationships. They can only go on for so long until one of the partners either gets bored with the play or they get a little too close for comfort and end up getting into a vanilla relationship.

Such was my case with my previous slave. She was into the BDSM aspect of our relationship for a month or so then it got a little too hot and heavy for both of us. I started treating her as an equal in a vanilla relationship and that is not what she wanted. I couldn't stop treating as her as such because I thought of her as a true girlfriend and not my property. The bad part is she kept trying to make up every excuse known to man to keep me away from her and eventually I cut her off. The words "I like women more than men" really did it in at that point.

I still suffer from a loss of control, but I shake it off and get on with my day. I also learned a valuable lesson about having a bi as a slave. Sorry if that offends anyone, but my future slave will be straight.

subspace · Feb 16, 2010

Sebastian, I am sorry to hear that things have ended between you and Alex. It is surprising that he abruptly doesn't want to do kink now, especially because of the extent that he was involved in the lifestyle. Unlike the ending of a vanilla relationship, a D/s relationship often ends abruptly as it is fairly difficult to go from submitting to being just friends.

I don't think it's true that D/s relationships have a limited shelf life. They certainly are more complicated but long term committed D/s relationships do happen and not that infrequently within the community.

L8NightQ · Feb 16, 2010

Hey Sebastian. That kind of loss can never be easy. I feel for you. Not much anyone can say to make you feel better at this point, but there are a couple of things about your post that I wanted to ask about. Maybe the answers can can help us all to understand and gain some insight.

This started as an online relationship. What was he looking for when you found each other?

This happened abruptly, and you didn't seem to see it coming. Is it because he was introverted and didn't talk much about what was wrong, or what other feelings he was having?

Your mention of his travel schedule implies that you are geographically separated and that you only "saw" each other for a couple of months. How much do you know about his life at home or the nature of his relationships there? Was he straight or gay?

This happened on Valentines Day. Usually this is significant and involves another "real" relationship, or the lack of one (and it's "implications"). Your thoughts?

Do you have (an)other relationship(s) that made him feel one way or another?
This was your first D/s relationship. I can't ask this question any other way, but was it more about him, or you? (you said "I thought this was about controlling him")

A Dom's responsibilities are much more complicated than a sub, and in my opinion you have to bear a lot of the responsibilities of the relationship. Tops have to communicate on a different level with Bottoms, and the strange thing is that for many Tops,the Bottom controls a lot of the relationship. A Bottom needs all sorts of things that a Top just seems to be able to magically provide. Since every Bottom is different, the Top has to be very insightful and provide those things or the relationship ends. (this is the short version)
Unless you read like a fiend, I doubt you could have known this.

I agree with subspace in that these kind of relationships don't have to have a limited shelf life, but think about it. What's the chance that your first one, one that involves such growth and change and learning, will be the right one.
In that way, this was kind of like a high school relationship (mstrbrian)- you were learning, and it sounds like so was he. You survive, and if you don't get bitter, it makes you better for the next one.

Still want to hear from you on my questions.

WmaGuy · Feb 16, 2010

Nothing really to add Sebastian, except that I'm sorry for the loss of your relationship - especially the timing of it. My thoughts are with you out there and I hope that you find someone deserving of exploring with you....

sebastian · Feb 16, 2010

Thanks for all the expressions of support. I think looking at the whole thing as a training relationship is probably the best way to handle it. Alex is clearly very conflicted about what he's really looking for; given that he got into d/s when another guy basically forced him into bondage and virtually raped him, it stands to reason that he's confused. He hasn't always been very good at communicating what he's feelings, and sometimes contradicts things he's said previously. I think subbing is making him feel too vulnerable right now. Sat night he went out and picked up a guy and topped him (which is what vanilla sex means for him), so maybe subbing for me is bringing up anxieties of some sort. But Fri night, he was telling me that he wanted me to be more aggressive and was wishing that I could skip the learning stages. Ah well.

I guess what I'm really wrestling with is the loss of control. It's so frustrating to not be able to order him to talk to me and so on. My instincts always tell me that I can figure out a solution if the other guy will just co-operate and let me fix the issue. Is this something that other doms experience when a relationship ends?

sillylittlepet · Feb 22, 2010

I had a vanilla relationship that ended in a very unsatisfying and painful way, but if that experience could translate to a bdsm relationship (which isnt all that different in my mind, really) I would advise that you take him out of your thoughts as best as possible. Dont let the issue dwell in your mind for long or it could start lingering around like an un-welcomed ghost.
I'm not a dom, but I can totally understand the control aspect. The problem is that he doesnt seem to be co-operating and in reality you cant control him (I mean you could if that was still part of your relationship but he's leaving now so... you see what I'm saying?). and you're going to have to come to terms with that. Its a like a contract, and how he's ending it. Those rules where you order him dont apply anymore, so you'll have to be more flexible with how you figure things out.

This guy clearly doesnt know what he wants, so I wonder if he's even the right sub for you.

=/ I hope that helps a little! Good luck

master jey · Feb 22, 2010

i had exact same situation i'm still angered after years (i think thet i'm angered at myself cuz something went outa plan...) and it sucks i wish you to let it go it's the best way

sebastian · Feb 22, 2010

I'm not good at letting go of things I want. Most of the good things I've gotten in life have come through persistence, so I inevitably tend to think that if I pound on things long enough, I can make them work. Alex and I have talked a little since I posted, so he's starting to explain what the issues are. I'm just taking things slowly and trying to listen to what he's saying. But I'm gonna see who else is out there too.

Thanks again for all the support. Very appreciated.

Ending a D/s relationship

sebastian

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subspace

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