Confused and upset

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Tumbl3, Jun 9, 2010.

  1. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    So I'm a dom and I have a sub. We have a friend who likes to bite and is also dominant and we've cleared boundaries. He can bite my sub, I don't mind.
    Anyway, to the point, our friend was over and he was biting my sub and then my sub goes to ask why I never bite him, in front of company.
    I do bite him, all the time, and he complains so I stop.
    Then, later, he goes on to say in front of company that I'm not good at biting him and that I need to bite him harder.
    And now I'm upset. Do I have a right to? I'm not sure. I'm not even sure what I should do. I'm going to talk to him because I don't think he was doing it on purpose, but I'm still hurt and now I feel less confident. I really wish he had waited to tell me this in private.

    Advice would be appreciated, any help at all. I just feel really confused and lost.
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    BDSM requires constant discussion between dom and sub. What made sense early in the relationship may not make sense later. Fantasies change, deepen, or get resolved through fulfillment. Issues come up and need to be discussed. So it sounds like you're at one of those points where you need to talk to your sub about what he meant and how it affected you. He may not have been serious about the comment, or it may have been something he's wanted to discuss but wasn't sure how to. You have a right to feel however you feel, and if you think it's going to affect your ability to dom him, you definitely need to discuss it. Good luck.
  3. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

    for one, a sub should never question a master about anything in front of company. ever. never ever. and for that you should definitely be upset and hurt and your sub should definitely be disciplined.

    I cannot advise you on what such a punishment would be because I am not you, and your sub is not mine... HOWEVER if one of my subs were to do such a thing, I can tell you that the punishment would definitely be memorable and visual. If a sub embarrassed me in public, the outcome or course of their punishment would also be public.
  4. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    I've just talked to him, and as I thought he didn't think about it. I've punished him, but I am going to go over this again with him so he truly understands.

    And thank you both for the advice! It means a lot.
  5. Boundperil

    Boundperil Member

    The more important thing here is, not the biting issue, but the public one. The dynamics of the relationship change all the time, but the basics do not.
  6. Darktruth

    Darktruth Member

    Its not as if it was just once and a genuine slip as well. Tumbl said “then, later,†meaning he did it twice.

    For him to do it once is one thing (still get punished for it) but to do it twice would warrant serious punishment. Does your sub understand how he hurt you Tumbl?

    Out of interest Sparrow, how would you punish one of your subs if they did this to you? :D
  7. master jey

    master jey Moderator

  8. Martello

    Martello Member

    All the advice here is perfect IMO but I would like to give my opinion.
    You have every right to be upset, I would be beyond upset. Where as a sub should have never have done what he did; no one in any relationship capacity EVER so or do anything like that in front of company. It's completely disrespectful of your station as his Dom as well as disrespectful to the relationship you both share. If I had been in that exact situation I would feel it might be part of an underlying issue that might continue. You must both regard one another with respect. I would also see to it that any communication involving this issue would be definite and clear. On a personal level this isn't something I would consider acceptable a second time.
  9. My slave wouldn't have had the chance to have a and then later he said.. moment. Slaves/subs who can't speak respectfully of their Mistress don't deserve to speak.
  10. Darktruth

    Darktruth Member

    Agreed. I would have taken away all speaking/noise-making rights until I decided what punishment needed to be given out.
  11. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    agreed with Andrea
  12. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    Yes he does. We went into the bedroom and talked, I was very clear on how much it hurt me. He apologized, I tickled him for an hour (I know that doesn't sound like a severe punishment, but he HATES tickling), and then I also made him post on apology on this forum. If you would like to say anything to him on there, you're more than welcome. I am fairly certain he has learned his lesson, but if this happens again, his punishment will be more severe than before.

    And thank you everyone for the support. I'm still learning as a dom, and you all have been such a great help.

    Btw, I am also curious how Sparrow would punish his subs for this. Actually, how would all of you have punished him? Andrea's is very effective and concise. :]
  13. Darktruth

    Darktruth Member

    Good. That's the important part.

    That would have been an effective punishment for me as well if I was a sub because I hate being tickled. Lol. It’s not about what others find “harshâ€; he’s your sub and you know what he hates, use that knowledge when he needs to be punished. For example; spanking a painslut wouldn’t work as a punishment because she’d/he’d enjoy it.

    Well, as I said, I wouldn’t have allowed my sub to make a noise until I’ve decided on my punishment (which could take a day or two). My immediate though was to have my sub visit the people who she was talking when she embarrassed me and have her apologise to them (something which would embarrass her)…but then I had a better idea. I would have my sub write out her apology, read it to me and when I thought it was good enough I would then send her round to my guests and have her read it out loud to them.

    I would also have her make an apology on the forums she was allowed to be a member of (much like your sub has done).
  14. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

    well for starters, I would have gagged the sub so that he could not speak, then I would restrict all biting privileges until further notice, followed by the age old saying of be careful what you wish for, where said sub was tied, stripped and on display during the next social gathering you threw and encourage others to write down locations to be bitten and put them in a box. then later on, in front of everyone, draw out locations one at a time, and bite him in that location as hard as i could.
  15. Darktruth

    Darktruth Member

    It would be fun if everyone chose the same spot. :D

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