First BDSM relationship, first scene

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by mmay55, May 18, 2013.

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  1. mmay55

    mmay55 New Member

    I posted before, requesting some last minute advice before my first scene. I was nervous, but it went great! I used some of the advice I found in the FAQ, such as making him undress and inspecting him, phrasing my questions to make him aware of what I was doing ("You like that, don't you?" as opposed to, "Do you like that?"), and some other things. It went wonderfully. He was obedient and didn't need much correction, and he said I sent him half way to subspace. I'll take that as a compliment, especially considering it was my first time dominating!

    A few days later we were talking and he said he wants me to dominate his life some. I asked him if he was sure he was ready to take orders from me daily, and he said yes, as long as I don't interfere with his daughter or job. I'm perfectly fine with that, I wouldn't want to anyway. His happiness is important to me, and I don't want to disrupt his life in any way. It's just that I'm not sure what I should be doing. :confused:

    For example, I told him I want him to text me before he goes to bed (we communicate primarily through text), and he said, "lol ok" instead of, "Yes, Ma'am." It surprised and confused me. I was caught off guard, and I can't remember how I replied, but I think I should have corrected him, and I'm kicking myself now for not doing it. I have no idea what kinds of orders I should be giving, or what I should do if he disobeys. We can only see each other once every couple of weeks, and that makes it hard to correct him immediately.

    Another example would be once when we were sexting, he started being a brat. I know he was doing it to get a rise out of me and make me be more aggressive because he was trying to get off, but now I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have let it work for him. I basically rewarded him with an orgasm for allowing him to use brattiness to get me to act the way HE wanted. Later I told him he was going to receive a spanking for his insolent mouth, and he said spanking won't work for him. I told him to elaborate and he said he just doesn't like it. I pointed out that it wouldn't be punishment if he enjoyed it, and he said something like, "No, really, I don't like it." I told him it displeased me, but I would think of another way to punish him. I said that because we're still at the beginning of this relationship and I feel like I'm still learning his boundaries. Was that right?

    He is the first person I've ever sincerely dominated, not just mild play, and it was his first time being fully dominated. Also, we're both switches. Only he wants to be dominated daily, and I only want to be dominated occasionally, and in the bedroom. I really, really want this though. I want this to work. I want to make him worship and adore me, and have him as my toy, or pet. I want him to be constantly reminded that he belongs to me. Beyond that, I want to please him. One of the reasons I want to dominate him is because he wants me to, and I want to please him by doing so.

    I dunno, I just feel kinda lost. Maybe we need to have a more detailed discussion about what aspects of his life I can dominate? I'm worried about having a conversation like that because I don't want to ask him for what he wants. I'm pretty sure that would take away from feeling dominated. Do I just need to be more aggressive since he already told me about his daughter and job? Maybe I need training as a sub, so I can learn to train him? I'm afraid I'm being too timid and he's going to lose confidence that I can dominate him. I don't know. Any advice or observations or anything at all would be appreciated tremendously. I really, really want this to work!
     
  2. BitterReprisal

    BitterReprisal New Member

    Just my observation as a sub: If I were in his position I would probably feel as if I had free rein to manipulate you. Requiring him to come up with as comprehensive a list as possible of limits might be helpful, so that you can find ways of punishing him without him throwing up roadblocks. I've also seen some very insightful members of this forum comment that a difficult/bratty sub can undermine a new or insecure Dom. To my mind this is the sub shooting himself in the foot. I'm not sure what the benefit of making yourself hard to dominate is...unless you don't truly want to be dominated. Maybe agree to dominate him daily only if he can convince you that it's what he wants(possibly in essay form)?

    Some forced introspection seems in order. He needs to know what he wants and doesn't want, and what his limits are, and he needs to relay all that information to you.

    Sorry to pop up from lurking; this is actually my first "post", but no one had responded to you and reading your post made me frustrated on your behalf. If I'm totally off the mark, I hope someone will jump in to correct me.
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2013
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Given that both you and he are novices, you need to start slow. Don't try for anything like 24/7 slavery--neither of you is ready for it. Given him just a couple rules (always call you Ma'am, text you at these set times each day, he needs to request permission to play with his cock--small things like that). The next time he screws up (forgets to call you Ma'am, or forgets to text you at the right time), get confrontational with him, like a marine sargeant or an asshole boss. The way I do it is by asking a series of questions with obvious answers ("boy, how are you supposed to address me?" "I'm supposed to call you Ma'am at all times." "Did you call me Ma'am just now?" "No, Ma'am". "Is that what I want from you?' "No, Ma'am." "Then why the fuck didn't you call me Ma'am?") Chew him out, point out that you can dismiss him at any time, that you deserve better than that, and so on. If he's a typical sub, he'll enjoy that sort of treatment.

    He may be testing the waters with you, like a teenager, to see how serious you are, to see how much you'll actually try to control him, to see if you're really dominant, and so on. If you enjoy that sort of game (his brattiness gives you an excuse to be harsh with him), then by all means play along. If his brattiness confuses you, makes you feel less dominant, or pisses you off, sit down and tell him that you don't like it and if he keeps it up, you'll dismiss him and find another sub. Explain that as a novice dom, you need an obedient boy and that his brattiness is making it harder to find your dominance.
     
  4. mmay55

    mmay55 New Member

    Thank you both so much for responding, your advice is very helpful and insightful!

    We've decided to keep things in the bedroom for now. Something happened and he stopped responding to me for a couple of days, which frustrated and worried me. When I finally got him talking, what was wrong didn't have anything to do with me, he was depressed and just didn't feel like talking to anyone. I explained to him that his actions were confusing me and that I didn't feel like he was responding favorably to my commands, and that it is completely unacceptable to stop contact with me without warning. I told him I didn't feel like he is ready to be dominated daily if he thinks it's ok to do something like that. That was very inconsiderate, for any type of relationship. He agreed, and said he would prefer to go back to the bedroom. I think he may have been kind of swept up in the moment or something when he asked me to dominate him during the day, and I told him to be more careful next time he approaches the subject because I'm not willing to go through this twice.

    I am completely fine with our conversation and decision. I'm just glad we were able to address it before one of us got overly frustrated with the whole situation. Communication is one aspect of BDSM that I sincerely appreciate. I'm a very forthright and open person, and the heavy communication required for it suits me very well.

    I think that once I've trained him well in the bedroom, he'll be begging me to train him during the day, too. I've also had a weekend test-run with a dominate online, which has helped me tremendously with learning what types of tasks I could assign and how to train him in general. Your advice will prove invaluable as well, I'm sure! I'm definitely going to take notes for when we're ready to move out of the bedroom. Thanks again!
     
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    His depression _might_ have been a case of subdrop. There's some discussion of that idea in the Newcomer's FAQ, IIRC. A bout of moodiness or depression a day or so after doing BDSM is not uncommon. Keep a note of whether this happens after the next couple times you play--check in on him the day or two after you play, and be ready to offer him some emotional support (telling him he's not a freak, that you enjoyed yourself, that he's a decent person, etc.) Some subs are prone to this while others are not. Giving support during sub drop is one of a dom's responsibilities, although some subs just prefer to be left alone during it.
     
  6. mmay55

    mmay55 New Member

    Thanks for pointing that out, Sebastian. I did read about subdrop, but had forgotten all about it. However, although we'd seen each other the night before he stopped talking, we weren't able to play, so I don't think that was it. I'm still glad you pointed it out though, because I like said I forgot all about it. He's much happier today, and I am too. I feel better about where we stand.

    P.S. I wasn't mean during our conversation, or even aggressive. Just straightforward. I was (and still am) concerned about whatever was depressing him. He hasn't told me yet, and I haven't pressed it. We've been very open with each other thus far, and I think he would tell me if I did something wrong, or if what was wrong with him is related to me. It was a hard three days for me to not talk to him. I was worried I'd done something wrong, that there might be something wrong with him or his family, and to be honest, I was feeling very insecure. I really don't want to go through all that again! If he doesn't feel like talking, I'm fine with it, I just want to be warned. :)

    P.P.S. Sebastian, I hang on your every word. Please know I sincerely appreciate your advice. I know I can learn a lot from you. I already have! Thanks again!
     
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    As a dom, it can be challenging to look at things from a sub's point of view. Subs can read an awful lot into a small comment or gesture, they can obsess about what to us are small things (my slave told me last night that to him, making my pancakes a little wrong feels like a huge failure to him), and they can internalize guilt over things that objective'y aren't their fault. So wherever possible, develop communication. Make sure he feels comfortable admitting his feelings to you, make sure he understands that there's a big difference between being harsh or strict during play ("you forgot to ask permission to touch me, boy, so I have to spank you") and being upset about a serious relationship issue ("you lied to me about talking to that other dom online, so I'm not sure I can trust you"), and work to separate your relationship stuff from the porn fantasy you might play out for sex.
     
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