limits...how to set them?

cosita · Apr 26, 2011

breath play: it sound silly, dangerous without reason, thereâ€™s always a story of how people day practicing it, and it can so easily go wrongâ€¦

Had he asked I would have said no because all the reasons Iâ€™ve named before.... but he didn't ask, he just did it, gently at first, just a tiny little pressure in the right places and the next thing I know I'M the one driving his hands back to my neck, asking him to do it again, because I trust him and because I loved the lightheaded feeling it gave me.

It was hot as hell, I could feel in his kisses how happy he was that I liked it, and over all I had one of the strongest orgasm ever, but now I'm confused as to what are my limits... now Iâ€™m afraid to say no, because of what I might miss

I like to think Iâ€™m an open minded person, but â€œbreath playâ€ showed me that Iâ€™m as closed up as any other girl in the bus.

Had it ever happen to you? How did you dealt with it?

sillylittlepet · Apr 26, 2011

Here's a crazy little idea

TALKING TO YOUR PARTNER!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, talk to him about your soft limits. You see, there are two kind of limits, hard limits and soft limts. A hard limit is a line you will never-in-a-million-years-ever-cross (even if you were offered candy and gold and rainbows and your partner was the hottest person alive and you were literally drooling into their hand)
For example, I never want to be shat or pissed on, and nothing is ever going to change that
A soft limit is something you wouldn't normally be into, but with the right person or commitment (or something else) you would be willing to try. Breath play is obviously one of those for you.

Let me make this clear, having your master do something to you without your permission/agreement first (like talking about it or a TPE agreement) is pretty much NOT okay. What if you were unprepared and there'd been an accident? BDSM is all about a certain level of control, and all parties need to be informed

So talk to your master, read up about new things to try, then talk some more, explore your soft limits, afterward you can talk!

sebastian · Apr 26, 2011

SLP is totally right. Talk about your limits, which are hard or soft, and why you have those limits. Periodically discuss and reassess your limits; many bdsmers find that something they originally thought they would never do has gradually become something they're interested in.

If risk is a reason for a limit, as it is here with breath play, talk with your master about those risks. Does he understand the risks involved, and does he know how to respond to those risks should they become concrete? For example, does he understand that the main danger of breath play is heart attack? Does he know CPR? If he seems to understand the risks and how to manage them, you may decide that the risks are manageable and the play worth exploring. If he doesn't seem to understand the risks, then ask him to learn more before you start exploring that particular form of play.

cosita · Apr 27, 2011

I know the "talk to your partner" rule, we talk a lot, he asks a lot "how dos it feel this or that" "is it okey if..." "do I continue" "harder?" "do you like it?" "would you dare?"

and now I hate those questios, because that's exactly the thing, had he asked this particular time: breath play would have been a big no-no for me.
I'm glad he didn't ask, because now I know a little more about myself.

The thing now is that now I'm not sure of what my limits are, I know in theory wich things I like and wich I don't, any person does... but at the same time I'm always second guessing myself because of that experience

I've been in this little world for four years now, this wasn't my first sesion but this shooke me all the way to my inner core.

sebastian · Apr 27, 2011

Do you use safe words? One nice thing about safe words is that your dom doesn't need to ask "do I keep going?" or "harder?" because the dom knows that he can keep going unless you use your safe word. If you use 'yellow' and 'red', you can signal when you need a complete stop and when you just need him to slow down or back off a little bit.

sillylittlepet · Apr 27, 2011

Yeah a safe word sounds good

if you already do that and you're also engaging in constructive dialogues with your master (yes I go to a liberal arts college) then I dunno what else to tell you. Start exploring?

It sounds like breath play was a soft limit that bordered on hard and you just didnt know it. Think a little about what your hard limits are and WHY. Could you ever be coaxed into any of these things? You could always gather a list of hard limits that you aren't morally opposed too and the two of you can try them out, in a very safe and controlled manner.
Don't get into the wrong mindset, its always a good idea to talk to each other about new stuff. Unless thats the kind of agreement you have (which you'd have to agree upon the boundaries)

sebastian · Apr 27, 2011

New forms of play can often trigger unexpected reactions. My slave consented to try water sports, mostly because he knows I enjoy it. But the first time I peed on him, he had a very intense reaction. I thought he was going to vomit, and the experience left him upset, depressed, and crying, a reaction that neither of us had expected. We had a very long talk about why he had reacted that way, and got to the heart of the issue. Several weeks later, at his volunteering, we did it again, and he found it much more manageable. So when pushing a limit, be ready for unexpected reactions, either positive or negative.

cosita · Apr 28, 2011

thank you all, for your answers and help

!

Sir Vicarious · Apr 28, 2011

sillylittlepet said:
Here's a crazy little idea

TALKING TO YOUR PARTNER!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, talk to him about your soft limits. You see, there are two kind of limits, hard limits and soft limts. A hard limit is a line you will never-in-a-million-years-ever-cross (even if you were offered candy and gold and rainbows and your partner was the hottest person alive and you were literally drooling into their hand)
For example, I never want to be shat or pissed on, and nothing is ever going to change that
A soft limit is something you wouldn't normally be into, but with the right person or commitment (or something else) you would be willing to try. Breath play is obviously one of those for you.

Let me make this clear, having your master do something to you without your permission/agreement first (like talking about it or a TPE agreement) is pretty much NOT okay. What if you were unprepared and there'd been an accident? BDSM is all about a certain level of control, and all parties need to be informed

So talk to your master, read up about new things to try, then talk some more, explore your soft limits, afterward you can talk!

I totally agree, bdsm is NOT abuse, and ANY dom that thinks he can do things without the subs permission is abusing their sub/ slave.

Now, with that being said, there are bdsm relationships where a dom may do things without the subs permission. I am talking about tpe (total power exchange), but even there, they should talk before doing it, set some general limits etc.

AGAIN, bdsm is not abuse. A master should always take note of a subs hard and soft limits. All safety precautions should be enacted, and when the safe word is used, the master should stop immediatly.

After all, it should be fun for BOTH parties.

Sir Vicarious · Apr 28, 2011

sebastian said:
New forms of play can often trigger unexpected reactions. My slave consented to try water sports, mostly because he knows I enjoy it. But the first time I peed on him, he had a very intense reaction. I thought he was going to vomit, and the experience left him upset, depressed, and crying, a reaction that neither of us had expected. We had a very long talk about why he had reacted that way, and got to the heart of the issue. Several weeks later, at his volunteering, we did it again, and he found it much more manageable. So when pushing a limit, be ready for unexpected reactions, either positive or negative.

I agree here too, that is why I sometimes have a "practice round" before I try new things. This would be a walk through of something I think pushes a subs soft limits.

What I am saying is this: using water sports as an example, I might have them do that in the shower, outside of normal bdsm play, and see their reaction. Then talk about it, so that we both can gage the reaction. also run-throughs like this are good, if you have new equipment, because the sub may be too tall/ short/ petite etc. and the equipment may need to be adjusted etc. After all nothing breaks the mood like having to make major modications etc. in the middle of some play.

I know I have gotten off topic a little, but i thought it was a good point to bring up. lol

limits...how to set them?

cosita

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sebastian

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cosita

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