limits...how to set them?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by cosita, Apr 26, 2011.

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  1. cosita

    cosita New Member

    breath play: it sound silly, dangerous without reason, there’s always a story of how people day practicing it, and it can so easily go wrong…

    Had he asked I would have said no because all the reasons I’ve named before.... but he didn't ask, he just did it, gently at first, just a tiny little pressure in the right places and the next thing I know I'M the one driving his hands back to my neck, asking him to do it again, because I trust him and because I loved the lightheaded feeling it gave me.

    It was hot as hell, I could feel in his kisses how happy he was that I liked it, and over all I had one of the strongest orgasm ever, but now I'm confused as to what are my limits... now I’m afraid to say no, because of what I might miss

    I like to think I’m an open minded person, but “breath play†showed me that I’m as closed up as any other girl in the bus.


    Had it ever happen to you? How did you dealt with it?
     
  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    Here's a crazy little idea

    TALKING TO YOUR PARTNER!!!!!!!!!!


    Seriously, talk to him about your soft limits. You see, there are two kind of limits, hard limits and soft limts. A hard limit is a line you will never-in-a-million-years-ever-cross (even if you were offered candy and gold and rainbows and your partner was the hottest person alive and you were literally drooling into their hand)
    For example, I never want to be shat or pissed on, and nothing is ever going to change that
    A soft limit is something you wouldn't normally be into, but with the right person or commitment (or something else) you would be willing to try. Breath play is obviously one of those for you.

    Let me make this clear, having your master do something to you without your permission/agreement first (like talking about it or a TPE agreement) is pretty much NOT okay. What if you were unprepared and there'd been an accident? BDSM is all about a certain level of control, and all parties need to be informed

    So talk to your master, read up about new things to try, then talk some more, explore your soft limits, afterward you can talk!
     
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    SLP is totally right. Talk about your limits, which are hard or soft, and why you have those limits. Periodically discuss and reassess your limits; many bdsmers find that something they originally thought they would never do has gradually become something they're interested in.

    If risk is a reason for a limit, as it is here with breath play, talk with your master about those risks. Does he understand the risks involved, and does he know how to respond to those risks should they become concrete? For example, does he understand that the main danger of breath play is heart attack? Does he know CPR? If he seems to understand the risks and how to manage them, you may decide that the risks are manageable and the play worth exploring. If he doesn't seem to understand the risks, then ask him to learn more before you start exploring that particular form of play.
     
  4. cosita

    cosita New Member

    I know the "talk to your partner" rule, we talk a lot, he asks a lot "how dos it feel this or that" "is it okey if..." "do I continue" "harder?" "do you like it?" "would you dare?"

    and now I hate those questios, because that's exactly the thing, had he asked this particular time: breath play would have been a big no-no for me.
    I'm glad he didn't ask, because now I know a little more about myself.

    The thing now is that now I'm not sure of what my limits are, I know in theory wich things I like and wich I don't, any person does... but at the same time I'm always second guessing myself because of that experience

    I've been in this little world for four years now, this wasn't my first sesion but this shooke me all the way to my inner core.
     
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Do you use safe words? One nice thing about safe words is that your dom doesn't need to ask "do I keep going?" or "harder?" because the dom knows that he can keep going unless you use your safe word. If you use 'yellow' and 'red', you can signal when you need a complete stop and when you just need him to slow down or back off a little bit.
     
  6. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    Yeah a safe word sounds good

    if you already do that and you're also engaging in constructive dialogues with your master (yes I go to a liberal arts college) then I dunno what else to tell you. Start exploring?

    It sounds like breath play was a soft limit that bordered on hard and you just didnt know it. Think a little about what your hard limits are and WHY. Could you ever be coaxed into any of these things? You could always gather a list of hard limits that you aren't morally opposed too and the two of you can try them out, in a very safe and controlled manner.
    Don't get into the wrong mindset, its always a good idea to talk to each other about new stuff. Unless thats the kind of agreement you have (which you'd have to agree upon the boundaries)
     
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    New forms of play can often trigger unexpected reactions. My slave consented to try water sports, mostly because he knows I enjoy it. But the first time I peed on him, he had a very intense reaction. I thought he was going to vomit, and the experience left him upset, depressed, and crying, a reaction that neither of us had expected. We had a very long talk about why he had reacted that way, and got to the heart of the issue. Several weeks later, at his volunteering, we did it again, and he found it much more manageable. So when pushing a limit, be ready for unexpected reactions, either positive or negative.
     
  8. cosita

    cosita New Member

    thank you all, for your answers and help :D!
     
  9. Sir Vicarious

    Sir Vicarious New Member

    I totally agree, bdsm is NOT abuse, and ANY dom that thinks he can do things without the subs permission is abusing their sub/ slave.

    Now, with that being said, there are bdsm relationships where a dom may do things without the subs permission. I am talking about tpe (total power exchange), but even there, they should talk before doing it, set some general limits etc.

    AGAIN, bdsm is not abuse. A master should always take note of a subs hard and soft limits. All safety precautions should be enacted, and when the safe word is used, the master should stop immediatly.

    After all, it should be fun for BOTH parties.
     
  10. Sir Vicarious

    Sir Vicarious New Member


    I agree here too, that is why I sometimes have a "practice round" before I try new things. This would be a walk through of something I think pushes a subs soft limits.

    What I am saying is this: using water sports as an example, I might have them do that in the shower, outside of normal bdsm play, and see their reaction. Then talk about it, so that we both can gage the reaction. also run-throughs like this are good, if you have new equipment, because the sub may be too tall/ short/ petite etc. and the equipment may need to be adjusted etc. After all nothing breaks the mood like having to make major modications etc. in the middle of some play.

    I know I have gotten off topic a little, but i thought it was a good point to bring up. lol
     
  11. P.S.Eudonym

    P.S.Eudonym Member

    Even if it seems obvious, I would like to spell out the counter argument to this. There are two forms of consent: stated and silent. Stated is straight forward, you talked about it and agreed. Silent consent is more difficult to judge and thats where trust and responsibility come in. Trust is a little nebulous and few people seem to realize what the term entails:

    • The dom needs to trust himself to observe safety protocols regardless of his desires.
    • The dom needs to trust his own limits and observe them despite his subs desires. This includes on the fly reevaluation.
    • The dom needs to trust his sub to voice limits and to deny consent when necessary.
    • The sub needs to trust herself to tell the difference between hurt and harm and voice it as necessary.
    • The sub needs to trust in her own limits and observe them despite her doms desires. This includes on the fly reevaluation.
    • The sub needs to trust her dom to follow the denial of stated or silent consent. I.E. Stop.
    As a simple rule of the thumb, when in doubt, its a limit and should be observed for the time being.

    This is where you move into dangerous territory, because you do not observe limits but wish to be lead blindly. This is a common mistake, expecially among new subs, the hope/ wish that your dom finds/ knows your limits for you. This often leads to less satisfaction and a lack of safety.

    Your dom tried something new, which in essence is fine. However, did he wise up on safety before he did? When my fiance asked me about breath play, I flat out refused until I had consulted with a medical professional about the risks involved, read up about it and had trained on myself to ensure I do not accidentaly harm her. If he did all that before doing it to you, he followed protocol and everything is fine. If it was a spur of the moment thing, than he needs to stop that. At the risk of stealing Sebastian's line, a good dom never does anything to a sub that he has not tried on himself first.

    You have discovered that you liked something you would have previously flat out refused. That is a good thing. Now use that experience as a point of reference to reconsider things you also would have refused before and talk to your dom about them. If you both like the idea of something, inform yourself about the necessary safety precautions and then feel free to try. But never ever be affraid to say no because you might like it.
     
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I think it's important to note that TPE is a fairly advanced form of play. It should really only be entered into after the dom and sub have been together for a long time and have learned each other's limits and needs and patterns quite well. That allows the sub to trust the dom to know where the sub can be pushed and where he can't be pushed and to trust that the dom knows how much of something the sub can handle. And even in TPE, the dom and sub should be having regular conversations about what works and what doesn't and what they both want to explore.
     
  13. TwistedSister

    TwistedSister New Member

    I am sort of on the other side of the fence ... I like breath play ... I LOVE the feeling of actually giving that control over to him. For me, it is a line of demarcation - no pun intended - it is way for me to completely give my power to him. That being said - what He told me to do was readu up on breath play. Read and analayze the physical responses to a lack of oxygen. And I read a lot. Jay Weissman (sp) has a great article on it. and I read a lot about nerves, blood flow, etc ... Ok OK you say. What that did for me was tounderstan the inherent risks of such play. If you Master is not completely aware of the physical repercussions, you both would benefit from reading articles together ... keeping you communication open by expoling the "whys" behind the "whats"
     
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