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BA19 · Jul 18, 2014

So, I'm finally back after my last laptop went to heaven...! I've settled down a bit since then and I ended up giving the whole relationship thing a go again.
I know that some people here think that I can be a little bit of a weirdo thanks to some of the things I have to say when it comes to the sub side of things, but lately my dom side has been making more of an appearance and it's surprisingly the first time that anything BDSM related has caused me problems... Think what I say about subbing is bad? At least then I'm the one getting hurt and I know that I can take the pain.
My most recent GF was a really sweet girl and a bit of a noob to BSDM... I was going to and did mean to take it easy on her, but I lost myself in the moment for a split second and ended up hurting her more than was acceptable... After that I kind of turned into a puddle of goo and the rest of the sex was all sweet and mushy vanilla stuff. She was really understanding and shit, but I think it freaked me out more than it did her... I didn't touch her again for fear of snapping like that again, which lead to me inevitably getting dumped for not putting out.

Did I simply choose someone a little too sweet for me, or do I seriously need to get my shit together? It's been bugging me, and I haven't hooked up with anyone since.

stanley_jeffries · Jul 18, 2014

Cutting all the crap out - it's definitely you

In all scenes like this it's the Dom's job to stay in control. Asking if the sub was "a little too sweet" isn't a valid option.

First question - were you sober? Drugs/alcohol and roleplay don't mix too safely.

If you were sober then I think you need to figure out why you lost control, and do you feel that it was a one-off...or something more fundamental.

Maybe you got carried away with the novelty of being in charge. So now you need to figure out how to recognize the danger signs and reign them in.

Good luck!

Stanley

BA19 · Jul 18, 2014

Maybe a little...? Had a bit to drink earlier, but I wasn't really feeling a buzz once we lost interest in the movie we were watching beforehand.
What weirds me out is that it's not like I'm some noob at being dom, I'm usually the one who's dom in most of what I get up to and it's not something that's happened before.
And IDK, like I said... It's not something that I've done before. I didn't really expect to snap in the first place and I don't really expect to do it again, but having it happen even once is concerning enough for me.

sebastian · Jul 20, 2014

Most dome have had moments when they went a little too far. In an inexperienced dom, it's usually a good lesson. The first time I ever dommed with another dom, we put a sub in a sleep sack. When we took him out afterward, I was unzipping the sack, and accidentally caught his foreskin in the zipper and gave him a small cut. I felt like shit for about two days afterward, but the sub was pretty understanding about it. It was a fairly harmless way to learn a lesson about how important it is for the dom to be both fully in control and understanding of what he is doing on a mechanical level.

So, if you didn't actually injure your sub, the thing to do it take it as a learning opportunity. Being in control is vital to safe BDSM. Every dom slips up occasionally, lands the blow somewhere unintended, or says something that disrupts the scene or wounds the sub emotionally, or ties the ropes too tight. That's to be expected, and as long as it's not intentional and doesn't have long-lasting effects, it's nothing to worry about.

But if you injured the sub because you weren't paying attention, then you need to learn to maintain your focus. If you landed the blow in the wrong place because you haven't learned to fully control the toy, that means you have to practice more. If you hurt the sub because you let out some anger, that's a sign that you need to understand yourself better.

My larger point is that making a slip isn't really the issue; it's how you respond to the slip that matters. Good doms learn from their slips and take steps to avoid them.

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