Seperating Emotions

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by subarama30, Jun 21, 2011.

  1. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    Ok so I have talked a bit with my guy and he is still open to exploring this D/s side of our relationship but he did say that he was worried that when he did something that might hurt me he would break character and be all 'oh god are you ok?' or 'did that hurt?' and get worried about me.

    So, how do I deal with this?

    My past Dom had no qualms at all about hurting me (was true sadist and causing pain got him off) so I don't know how to work with this. I know my partner loves me and in normal situations would do anything to avoid physically hurting me so how does he get past the mental block of the emotional entanglement?

    I have mentioned safewords, in that it might help so that he could just get on with it and not worry until I say something to let him know I'm not ok but he still doesn't seem happy with the idea.

    I've said I don't want anything too extreme but I don't think he believes me - he already jokes that I wont be happy till he has brought out a chainsaw to get me off!

    Is this a common problem when you go from a vanilla to D/s relationship?
  2. apex1o1

    apex1o1 New Member

    maybe he dosn't like the games you play, or maybe you see other people
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Go slow with pain play. That and verbal abuse are the two most challenging spheres of play for a novice dom to get comfortable with, and if you push him into pain play before he's ready he's gonna pull back and decide this isn't for him. Focus on him learning to control you and simply get in touch with his dominant side. Then start slowly on mild pain play and work his way up. Yes, that's not as satisfying for you as jumping into heavy pain quickly, but you're doing this for the long haul, so take your time.

    I hate to sound like a broken record, but have you read the FAQ?
  4. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    Make sure you're using a safeword!! Then he doesnt have keep checking up on you

    I like to the color system: green for keep going/I'm ok, yellow for slow down, red for STOP
  5. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    Been there, done that. Reassure, reassure, reassur - until he realizes it IS your kink and gets used to the idea he's "being an asshole"

    And word.

    Also suggest to "Master" how deserveing you are of _____.
    Give him some mild things you adore to build confidence that he's isn't killing you.

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