The good and the not so good

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by subarama30, Jul 7, 2011.

  1. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

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    Well last night was interesting...

    My guy tried really hard last night, there was no bondage but he was a lot more 'commited' to the role and so I got plenty of choke hold, hand over mouth, biting, I even got a cushion held over my face! It was a lot of fun but one big problem that I realised a bit too late - safewords/gestures.

    At one point he had me on my stomach lying down on the couch and had put his hand over my mouth from behind (while fingering me - yum) but all of a sudden I realised he had his hand over mouth AND was covering my nose. I couldn't breath. Fortunately my hands were free so I managed to get both hands up to pull his hands down enough to breathe and all was ok, I didn't stop things (was too far gone to be honest to stop) and he was more careful from then on. Later I showed him how to cover me mouth so that he's not blocking my nose and said we need to figure out a proper safe gesture for me but I'm not sure what would work so that he would know I'm not just squirming in pleasure? Was thinking about a leg tap 3times quickly or something?

    He was a bit taken back about how much I knew about the right and wrong ways to do all this stuff and then got a bit down and said that he couldn't give me what I wanted and maybe for a one time thing I should sleep with someone else who could. I tried to reassure him that I dont want anything overly extreme like having him flog me while I'm suspended from the ceiling - random, no Im not into this :), but I don't think he believed me. I think he's questioning how hard core he can get even though I kept telling him it was great and he did really well and I dont want to be with anyone else.

    Sooooo, what to do now? I am going to go through the ins and outs of what is 'safe' for him to do to me some more but I think in a weird way this tutoring seems to knock his confidence in his ability to do things to me. I know he NEEDS to know the safe way but I don't want him feeling like a practical virgin with me.

    I mentioned, part joking, about maybe getting him a book to read or something but he didn't seem that keen - again I think it knocks his confidence thinking he doesn't know enough. I think the main issue is that he has the stereotypical view of some PVC clad Dominatrix whipping some bound and gagged man in a dungeon but I keep trying to tell him that they are 'professionals' when he sees programmes on tv and also that it's not just about pain etc. it's about me wanting him to dominate me in his behaviour but he doesn't seem to be getting it.

    Any advice welcome as always :)
  2. Kor

    Kor Member

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    If he's unwilling to do it himself, who don't you find a book? That would also give you the chance to check the book out first and make sure the author is on the same wavelength as you are.

    If he doesn't want to read the book, you can read it to him. This also lets you pick the parts you're most interested in.
  3. dozuki

    dozuki Member

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    I am far from an expert but I am a guy. I like the book idea I like to read too. Any way if he doesn't want to read the book. You could always find sections that work for you and act them out.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    In the FAQ, I talk a little bit about how to kinkify a nice vanilla boyfriend. I'd suggest reading that section. It talks about the male need to feel competent at sex, which seems like an issue here.

    For a safe gesture to use when you can't speak, the leg tap is a good one, but you cant do it if you can't get access to his legs. A common one is to shake the head back and forth while grunting 'uh-uh' until the dom stops. Even a gagged sub can do that.
  5. Zandar

    Zandar Member

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    About the safeword when mutted:
    What I do when playing in a way my sub cant talk is give her something in her hand that she can drop when she would like to use a safeword. Preferably something that makes some sound when hitting something, like a piece of chain or a tennis ball.
    Also nice to have something to squeze when it is rough but not risky ;-)

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