Ideas for my first time

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Johnob, Sep 16, 2013.

  1. Johnob

    Johnob New Member

    For years I fantasize to be a BDSM dominant. I finally met a woman that fantasizes to be submissive. The problem is that I don't know what to do for my first time
    What's the best way to start? ropes? She already has little experience.
    Do you guys have any ideas?

  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Read the whole "Newcomer's FAQ" here, if you haven't already. It has a ton of useful information.

    Before you start, discuss what she wants to try, what you want to try, and a safe word.

    Then, I suggest some light impact play (with hands or a belt; the inexperienced should NOT use floggers), maybe some bondage if you both like bondage (do not use cheap cuffs, use either rope, police cuffs, or premade leather or velcro cuffs), there are rope instructions in the FAQ and throughout the forum. If she has expressed an interest, try some verbal humiliation (and remind her that she can safeword about it, even if it's not a pain problem), and try instructing her what to do. Do not make it completely about sex.

    Remember that BDSM is all about consent and communication, and that since she has more experience, she will probably have some suggestions and preferences for you to take into account.
  3. Johnob

    Johnob New Member

    Thank you for your quick answer.
    I know about the safe word
    This is my first time but my partner had one session that included face fucking, fisting and pissing with two men partners. So maybe bondage (I can only use the bed – hotel room) could be a nice change for her and a good first time for me. You're saying that floggers are not good for inexperienced, any other ideas for inflicting some mild pain?
    She wants me to surprise her without talking too much about what is going to happen.

  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Johnob: "She wants me to surprise her without talking too much about what is going to happen." That's great, but she's putting a huge pressure on you as an inexperienced dom. She's essentially asking you to read her mind, find out what she does and doesn't want you to do, and then do what turns her on. That's not likely to work very well. This is a common problem with subs--many of them want the amazing mind-reading dom.

    I agree with Smallest--have a conversation with her about what she does and doesn't want and what you do and don't want. Make sure that she's not going to freak out if you do some of the things you want, and make sure that you're ok doing the things she wants you to do. She wants some surprises, so you don't have to do exactly what she wants, but you do need to make sure that you don't do things that are going to really upset her.

    Get a pair of police cuffs--they're easily available at most army supply stores and cheap (I think the FAQ has comments about how to tell real cuffs from fake cuffs). If you make sure you use the double-lock to prevent tightening, you're unlikely to harm the sub. Just having the wrists bound makes most subs feel very vulnerable and controlled and you can get them off quickly if something goes wrong. If you know you're interested in rope bondage, get Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook.

    My standard first scene with a new sub goes something like this: I make the sub stand in the middle of the room while I sit down. I order the sub to remove their clothes one piece at a time. ("Take off your shirt. Ok, now your shoes...") Once they're down to underwear, I stand up and slowly walk around them, examining their body. I run my hands over their body, squeezing or stroking a bit. Sometimes I make comments ("nice ass. But your chest needs work.") I pull their underwear down and explore--finger the asshole and genitals. Eventually I stand right behind the sub and reach around with one arm to grab the opposite shoulder (putting my arm across the throat, but actually pressing on the throat in any real way). I ask the sub the safe word, to make sure they remember it, and then I say "good, because unless I hear that word come out of your mouth, I'm gonna do whatever the fuck I want to you."

    The point of all that is to make the sub feel extremely vulnerable, under my control, and slightly intimidated. Sometimes I comment about how aroused the sub is or how nervous they are. Sometimes I use derogatory words, which starts to get into humiliation play.

    Then I make them kneel and often I restrain their wrists with rope or cuffs. This whole time I'm completely clothed. I order the sub to kiss and lick my boots, and after a minute I usually push their face into my boots, telling them to show me how badly they want to please me. The idea here is to give them permission to let out their passion and arousal. Sometimes I spank or use on crop on them if I think they're not being enthusiastic enough.

    Eventually, I let the sub stop. I grab his hair and drag his head toward my crotch. I ask if he really want to see my cock. He says yes, naturally, and I tell him to chew on it through my pants, saying if he wants that cock, he's gonna have to earn it. Eventually, I take my cock out and make him suck it. Sometimes I hold his face just an inch from my cock and make him beg for it.

    If you're nervous, use that as a template for the scene you want to do. You can add more verbal abuse if the sub likes that, or drop out the boot licking if that's too much humiliation for the sub. If the sub wants pain, put her over your knee at some point and spank with your hand, or trying pinching her nipples during the inspection (start gently and slowly increase the pressure until she begin to make a noise or suck in her breath; then ease off for a few moments and try again). If you decide to fuck her, my advice is either remove the handcuffs, or open them, bring her wrists to her front side, and cuff them again. This eliminates the risk of putting pressure on her arms and wrists, and you can easily control her hands just by grabbing the cuffs. She's not totally immobilized, but she'll feel controlled while you fuck her.

    Notice that in this whole scene, the only special gear you need is a pair of cuffs (or if you want, you can learn from Wiseman how to do a simple wrist tie). You don't need to spread-eagle her, which is going to require you to learn a lot about bondage for your first time, and you don't need lots of special toys. As a new dom, you're going to have your hands full just developing the confidence to order her around and be dominant; you don't need the worry of things like "am I tying these ropes too tight?"

    After the scene is over, cuddle with her and ask her what she liked, what you could have done better, and what she might want more of next time. I ask some form of these questions to every sub I play with, even the slave I've been training for 10 months. They help you gauge the sub's enjoyment, help you figure out what you're good at and what you need to improve, and help you think of what you might want to add the next time.
  5. Johnob

    Johnob New Member

    Sebastain, that's amazing. thank you so much!
    Looking at the movies over the net I saw a distorted picture, thinking that BDSM is just pure violence and torture (movies containing 30 minutes of face-fucking).
    Your suggested first scene is amazing. can I buy your book? ;)

    I looked over the net, read some books but nobody showed me the basic of getting this essential psychological dominance like you did.
    Can you please give me little more? what's the next step?

    I thought of commanding her to bring me some toys while her hands are tied behind her back and when she'll do it too slowly (and she will of course) this will be the excuse for spanking her and giving her more punishment (like spanking her butt when she's on my knees, tie some rope around the breasts, nipples clippers and so).
    Later on tie her spread to the bed and give her more spanking and then orgasm using a dildo.

    But I'm feeling that I'm loosing "your" psychological dominance coming from the slow obedience, I'm loosing the little details.
    Can you please help me some more?

    Thanks a million!
  6. darknova42

    darknova42 Member

    I actually think that using cuffs or jumping straight to impact play, especially for a novice dom, is too much. You need a certain level of trust between the two of you for bondage and without having any experience with impact play gauging how much you're hurting you're sub is too much. You might not know when to stop or stop too soon.

    My advice would be to stick with the mental side of things. You need to get used to the mindset of a dom and being in control. You need to try and be as authoritative as you can and intimidating without being an asshole. No yelling, just watch her closely, and use a firm and commanding voice.

    First thing I'd do is some of what sebastian said. If I had the choice I personally wouldn't sit while you order her to undress. Standing gives you more options. You can pace around her, get 'too close' in her comfort zone, stand out of her line of vision etc.

    Have her undress piece by piece, only as far as you tell her to exactly. For instance, if you tell her to unbutton something and she goes to pull it completely off, remind her in a firm tone what your orders were. This does a couple of things, it gives you the opportunity to 'flex' your control and make her aware of it. It also gives you the chance to punish her then or later. This mental awareness is key and needs to be practiced so you get used to it as a dom. Without it the other stuff is just bullshit.

    Next, I'd do an interrogation. Have her kneel and 'present herself' specifying how you want her to kneel. Maybe with her knees wider apart, or her hands laced behind her head or back with her chest thrust out. I personally would have her keep her eyes cast down so she can't see your expression and can't get a read on what you're thinking, this is helpful especially if you don't have a good poker face. Then just walk around and oggle her. She needs to be aware of how arousing she is to you and how attractive she is.

    Order her to tell you what kind of naughty things she likes. Don't take what she says as a to-do list. Shes a sub, she wants you to be in control. Don't ask, make her tell. Talk dirty.

    The main thing is the mindset. Try to stick with the more mental aspects of bdsm. An order to stay still instead of rope etc. If you want to restrain her, holding her in place is good. Use your body to trap her etc.
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Darknova has good ideas, too. It's important to realize that there's no one perfect way to do a scene. Focus on finding your sense of dominance. It's different for each dom. You could be the Suave Prince of Darkness or the In-Your-Face Bad Cop or the Rough Construction Worker or the Perverted Teacher or whatever feels right to you. Notice that those four archetypes look and act and speak very differently--you have a lot of potential options, so choose one that speak to you and feels doable.

    Then think about what you would like to do as the dom (within whatever limits she has set). Do you want to humiliate and violate her personal space? Then do a really detailed inspection of her body--comment about which parts are good and which "need work", evaluate her body like you were buying a horse, stick your fingers in her mouth and inspect her teeth, stick them in her pussy and her ass (one word of warning here--if she has body issues, don't comment too much about weight, and make positive comments as well as negative ones). Do you want to spank her? Then either find a reason to punish her or just bend her over your knee and spank her for the pleasure of it.

    The point here is to dig inside yourself and find the piece of you that enjoys being in control and then bring that part of you out for the scene. Subs are like horses--they generally want a strong hand guiding them. So it's important to feel confident.

    Yes you can buy my book, but it's pretty expensive on Amazon and has absolutely nothing to do with BDSM. ;)

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