Humanity

Death · Oct 14, 2010

Does anyone else here not feel like a human? Like your soul actually has ended up in the wrong species - that you should've been part of another, very similarly looking species on another planet, altogether? And that your emotions are in no way comparable to the rest of humanity - that this species just isn't in tune with you - your soul just shouldn't be here. Or should it, after all? Maybe, out there, somewhere, there is a girl or guy who agrees with your skewed views, and who hates unfaithfulness exactly the way you do - someone you are written in fate to meet under happy circumstances; someone who isn't human, deep inside, either.

Already when I was eight or nine I used to think about reincarnation. No one had ever talked with me about it. A bird, that's what I wanted to be. I looked in bird books to see which one I would become in my next life. I guess I should've seen how different I was, then, already. Today I do not want to be a bird, though, nor a bird-like, highly intelligent being; just something much like a human, except superior in all ways; even the sex would be superior - no need for sterilization and you and your true love can just fuck like crazy and you can fill your girl with your cum without any risk of consequence. Because sex among humans, between true loves, is so beautiful; it just needs some improvement so pregnancy can't happen and so the assistance from a doctor to get sterilized is not necessary, since sex was only ever meant for the fun and love it brings. But despite how beautiful sex is, human, I am not. What the fuck am I doing on this cursed planet? No one gets me, anyway. No one ever agrees. Not entirely. If they agree, they still are unfaithful. Even my ex before my ex, who viewed me as a god, ended up being unfaithful in such a horrendous way. Am I just alone on this planet? Just, what the fuck am I doing here...?

Ceilidh · Oct 14, 2010

No comment.

Seriously Death, I'd love to comment and you would probably love to hear it. But what I would say now isn't who I really am. I'd feel like I would be giving you false hope. And I would feel even worse than what I already am feeling, because I'd be hurting you more. Also because in reality I am not what you are looking for.

I really do wish you all the luck in the world in finding your dream girl. And I am very sorry to hear that you and your girlfriend broke up (from the bits and pieces across the forum, I pieced that conculsion together. If I am wrong please correct me.)

Death · Oct 14, 2010

No, you are right. Actually I didn't tell her that I've broken up with her, but she knew it was coming, and my words probably made it clear, after what she said, and unless she has something truly extraordinary to say regarding what she maybe actually meant she did then I guess she will get it when I end my contact with her.

Ceilidh · Oct 14, 2010

If you don't mind me asking. What did she say to you? How has she wronged you?

Death · Oct 14, 2010

I don't really want to talk about it... especially as it ended as briefly ago as this very morning. She was unfaithful, and apparently it was bad. Apparently. I might never know for sure. I don't really want to ask more about it. She's overall acted very similarly to how my ex before her did when she was unfaithful in a horrendous way, though, so I guess I'll just assume.

Ceilidh · Oct 14, 2010

I understand you are hurting Death, I am hurting too. I know I won't really understand your pain, but know "I know how you feel" Even as cliche as it sounds, I know, and I understand you don't want to talk about it or ask her. But do you think you might want to know later when the wounds aren't so fresh?

Death · Oct 14, 2010

Ceilidh said:
But do you think you might want to know later when the wounds aren't so fresh?

I don't know. It seems it is bad. If I keep thinking about it it's going to drive me to suicide. I already have a prescription for strong sleeping pills that I can use to sleep while keeping a grill with burning charcoal by the bed, to die painlessly through carbon monoxide poisoning, so if it is as bad as I have to assume it is then hearing details about it might just trigger me into killing myself when I start to think about how wonderful she was... or seemed to be, anyway... apparently there were many lies, also, so maybe I had the wrong impression of how she was.

It's just so easy to kill myself that way so I'm not going to ask. I think I will let my apathy and my dark thoughts take over, instead; both have helped me a lot through the many years I have suffered.

Ceilidh · Oct 14, 2010

If apathy is what works for you Death, then so be it. But I'm not in the best place to be giving advice. It might be best if you take what I have to say "like a grain of salt" or however that saying goes.

I just talked to a friend, I know he was trying to help, but my point is while talking to him I expressed things that I have kept inside, and I allowed myself to feel what I ought to feel while talking to him. Well I too want to take a sleeping pill (I've been taking them again lately), howver I want to accutally sleep my problems away and wake up with them gone. But this world doesn't work like that. Sometimes I really wished it did.

Death · Oct 14, 2010

Ceilidh said:
Well I too want to take a sleeping pill (I've been taking them again lately), howver I want to accutally sleep my problems away and wake up with them gone. But this world doesn't work like that. Sometimes I really wished it did.

Hmm, yeah, that seems to be what would happen if I would do what I just wrote about... just fall asleep, die, and wake up elsewhere; maybe not just on another planet in this galaxy or another that you see in the sky, or beyond, but in a whole other dimension where things always turn out well and where everybody is beautiful. Or something like that, anyway. There'd just be the question of growing up if I wouldn't end up in such a utopian place where everybody already has it how they want, or will get without any suffering to themselves or others; I'd rather not grow up to this age, yet again.

Ceilidh · Oct 14, 2010

Death said:
..... I'd rather not grow up to this age, yet again.

I kind of understand that. When I was growing up I could see where my life was going, what would happen. But the farthest I could see was up to a certain point. I have passed that "certain point" for years now, going on a decade now.

You know, looking back at this moment I just realized that that point is when my life made an irreversable turn. Wow. I just can't believe I've never put two and two togther until now.

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