Discussion in 'Section open for any subject to discuss' started by Death, Oct 14, 2010.

  1. Death

    Death Member

    Does anyone else here not feel like a human? Like your soul actually has ended up in the wrong species - that you should've been part of another, very similarly looking species on another planet, altogether? And that your emotions are in no way comparable to the rest of humanity - that this species just isn't in tune with you - your soul just shouldn't be here. Or should it, after all? Maybe, out there, somewhere, there is a girl or guy who agrees with your skewed views, and who hates unfaithfulness exactly the way you do - someone you are written in fate to meet under happy circumstances; someone who isn't human, deep inside, either.

    Already when I was eight or nine I used to think about reincarnation. No one had ever talked with me about it. A bird, that's what I wanted to be. I looked in bird books to see which one I would become in my next life. I guess I should've seen how different I was, then, already. Today I do not want to be a bird, though, nor a bird-like, highly intelligent being; just something much like a human, except superior in all ways; even the sex would be superior - no need for sterilization and you and your true love can just fuck like crazy and you can fill your girl with your cum without any risk of consequence. Because sex among humans, between true loves, is so beautiful; it just needs some improvement so pregnancy can't happen and so the assistance from a doctor to get sterilized is not necessary, since sex was only ever meant for the fun and love it brings. But despite how beautiful sex is, human, I am not. What the fuck am I doing on this cursed planet? No one gets me, anyway. No one ever agrees. Not entirely. If they agree, they still are unfaithful. Even my ex before my ex, who viewed me as a god, ended up being unfaithful in such a horrendous way. Am I just alone on this planet? Just, what the fuck am I doing here...?
  2. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

    No comment.

    Seriously Death, I'd love to comment and you would probably love to hear it. But what I would say now isn't who I really am. I'd feel like I would be giving you false hope. And I would feel even worse than what I already am feeling, because I'd be hurting you more. Also because in reality I am not what you are looking for.

    I really do wish you all the luck in the world in finding your dream girl. And I am very sorry to hear that you and your girlfriend broke up (from the bits and pieces across the forum, I pieced that conculsion together. If I am wrong please correct me.)
  3. Death

    Death Member

    No, you are right. Actually I didn't tell her that I've broken up with her, but she knew it was coming, and my words probably made it clear, after what she said, and unless she has something truly extraordinary to say regarding what she maybe actually meant she did then I guess she will get it when I end my contact with her.
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2010
  4. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

    If you don't mind me asking. What did she say to you? How has she wronged you?
  5. Death

    Death Member

    I don't really want to talk about it... especially as it ended as briefly ago as this very morning. She was unfaithful, and apparently it was bad. Apparently. I might never know for sure. I don't really want to ask more about it. She's overall acted very similarly to how my ex before her did when she was unfaithful in a horrendous way, though, so I guess I'll just assume.
  6. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

    I understand you are hurting Death, I am hurting too. I know I won't really understand your pain, but know "I know how you feel" Even as cliche as it sounds, I know, and I understand you don't want to talk about it or ask her. But do you think you might want to know later when the wounds aren't so fresh?
  7. Death

    Death Member

    I don't know. It seems it is bad. If I keep thinking about it it's going to drive me to suicide. I already have a prescription for strong sleeping pills that I can use to sleep while keeping a grill with burning charcoal by the bed, to die painlessly through carbon monoxide poisoning, so if it is as bad as I have to assume it is then hearing details about it might just trigger me into killing myself when I start to think about how wonderful she was... or seemed to be, anyway... apparently there were many lies, also, so maybe I had the wrong impression of how she was.

    It's just so easy to kill myself that way so I'm not going to ask. I think I will let my apathy and my dark thoughts take over, instead; both have helped me a lot through the many years I have suffered.
  8. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

    If apathy is what works for you Death, then so be it. But I'm not in the best place to be giving advice. It might be best if you take what I have to say "like a grain of salt" or however that saying goes.

    I just talked to a friend, I know he was trying to help, but my point is while talking to him I expressed things that I have kept inside, and I allowed myself to feel what I ought to feel while talking to him. Well I too want to take a sleeping pill (I've been taking them again lately), howver I want to accutally sleep my problems away and wake up with them gone. But this world doesn't work like that. Sometimes I really wished it did.
  9. Death

    Death Member

    Hmm, yeah, that seems to be what would happen if I would do what I just wrote about... just fall asleep, die, and wake up elsewhere; maybe not just on another planet in this galaxy or another that you see in the sky, or beyond, but in a whole other dimension where things always turn out well and where everybody is beautiful. Or something like that, anyway. There'd just be the question of growing up if I wouldn't end up in such a utopian place where everybody already has it how they want, or will get without any suffering to themselves or others; I'd rather not grow up to this age, yet again.
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2010
  10. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

    I kind of understand that. When I was growing up I could see where my life was going, what would happen. But the farthest I could see was up to a certain point. I have passed that "certain point" for years now, going on a decade now.

    You know, looking back at this moment I just realized that that point is when my life made an irreversable turn. Wow. I just can't believe I've never put two and two togther until now.
  11. Death

    Death Member

    I'm glad our conversation made you realize something. My life took an irreversible turn when I had recently turned 22. A critical point in my life made a dark side in me grow, and suddenly BDSM became really interesting, and from there my interest kept growing. Not that BDSM is evil in any way - quite the very contrary, it can be.

    It's funny how I tried to push my dark side away from me when I had met her, "for her sake". What a joke. It's what created who I am today and I should embrace it. And from now on, I will. Oh, I'm doing much better, now, by the way; much due to this dark side that I am talking about. I love seeing myself in the mirror when I turn this way, too... feels so damn right.
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2010
  12. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

    I'm glad to hear you are doing much better. I'm not sure how I am doing. Sometimes it gets to be to much and I start to tear up. I usually then try to control my thoughts and my tears. I'm trying to be stong; but it doesn't always work, so far I have only broken down when I'm alone. My husband has enough on his plate, I don't want him to really worry about me - even though I know he is worring about me. When I'm sleeping I can feel him kiss and slowly caress my face. I wish he wouldn't worry, but I can understand why. He has watched me become a living zombie before, where the physical pain hurts less than the emotional pain, I guess he doesn't want me to end up that way again. Hence the "tasks" he has been asking me to do during the day.

    I'm going to stop rambling now.....
  13. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Death, I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place right now. Obviously I don't know the details of what you're going through--those are unique to you--but believe me, I know where you are. I've been to that place. Three years ago my husband of 8 years decided to leave me. He was so afraid of hurting me that he nearly let me make a massively life-altering decision for him before he told he wanted to leave. So his timing was pretty shitty. I was profoundly depressed for a year--went through two therapists trying to get relief. I came incredibly close to suicide. There was a day that I was in so much pain that I simply couldn't handle it any more. Fortunately a good friend realized that something was more wrong than usual and came over at exactly the right moment. I'm pretty sure that if she hadn't done that, I wouldn't be here today. I was in the worst pain I've ever been in, and I couldn't imagine that the future held anything more for me than the misery that I was in. That's what depression really is, the inability to believe that the future might possibly be less painful than the present.

    Fortunately, my friends, the therapy, and my own determination to keep going eventually got me through it. One Sunday in May 2008, my depression suddenly just lifted like a curtain, and I was gloriously happy. Happier than I have ever been in my life. All the energy that I had been putting into staying miserable suddenly swung around to lift me up.

    And then my life started to transform. My career started moving in the right direction. I lost 40 lbs. For the first time in my life, guys started to hit on me. I discovered that I was much more a top than a bottom. And then I discovered that I was dominant, and my life came into much sharper focus than ever before. My life makes sense now. But if I had given up in that moment of despair, if my friend hadn't intervened and talked me through it, I would never have gotten to this place where i am now. My life isn't perfect, but it seems to have so much more potential for happiness than it has in years. I feel whole and complete and in control for the first time.

    So please, don't give up. Keep fighting with your pain. Even if it seems impossible, keep fighting. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, trying to make things work. Eventually, things will get easier. Stuff will start going right, and things will begin to make sense again. You'll be able to see the potential in your life, and the world will become beautiful once more. Just don't stop. As they say in AA, don't give up before the miracle happens. Please.

    You too, Ceilidh.
  14. bsproms

    bsproms New Member

    Think you might be confusing humanity with society. Perhaps you don't feel you fit in with the narrow-minded gaze of society and the structures we have to live our lives in. Many people don't. What you need to do is decide to be part of it and humour its blinkedness or don't and find a place in this world that you can agree with. As for being hurt by a girl, accept the pain. The pain is something all us humans go thru. Its how we mature and find the real soul mate in this world. I recently attended the birth of a boy I believed to be mine, dna results took this away and I feel like I have lost a son. But I accept my anguish, its fine for me to be angry and sad. My point is that life goes on and its the hard times that truley illuminate our true selves. Its these times that teach us how to mature and accept the nature of humanity.
    You sound very down at the moment. Try to surround yourself with positive people and try to laugh.
    Take care dude

Share This Page