Humanity

Death · Oct 15, 2010

Ceilidh said:
You know, looking back at this moment I just realized that that point is when my life made an irreversable turn. Wow. I just can't believe I've never put two and two togther until now.

I'm glad our conversation made you realize something. My life took an irreversible turn when I had recently turned 22. A critical point in my life made a dark side in me grow, and suddenly BDSM became really interesting, and from there my interest kept growing. Not that BDSM is evil in any way - quite the very contrary, it can be.

It's funny how I tried to push my dark side away from me when I had met her, "for her sake". What a joke. It's what created who I am today and I should embrace it. And from now on, I will. Oh, I'm doing much better, now, by the way; much due to this dark side that I am talking about. I love seeing myself in the mirror when I turn this way, too... feels so damn right.

Ceilidh · Oct 15, 2010

I'm glad to hear you are doing much better. I'm not sure how I am doing. Sometimes it gets to be to much and I start to tear up. I usually then try to control my thoughts and my tears. I'm trying to be stong; but it doesn't always work, so far I have only broken down when I'm alone. My husband has enough on his plate, I don't want him to really worry about me - even though I know he is worring about me. When I'm sleeping I can feel him kiss and slowly caress my face. I wish he wouldn't worry, but I can understand why. He has watched me become a living zombie before, where the physical pain hurts less than the emotional pain, I guess he doesn't want me to end up that way again. Hence the "tasks" he has been asking me to do during the day.

I'm going to stop rambling now.....

sebastian · Oct 16, 2010

Death, I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place right now. Obviously I don't know the details of what you're going through--those are unique to you--but believe me, I know where you are. I've been to that place. Three years ago my husband of 8 years decided to leave me. He was so afraid of hurting me that he nearly let me make a massively life-altering decision for him before he told he wanted to leave. So his timing was pretty shitty. I was profoundly depressed for a year--went through two therapists trying to get relief. I came incredibly close to suicide. There was a day that I was in so much pain that I simply couldn't handle it any more. Fortunately a good friend realized that something was more wrong than usual and came over at exactly the right moment. I'm pretty sure that if she hadn't done that, I wouldn't be here today. I was in the worst pain I've ever been in, and I couldn't imagine that the future held anything more for me than the misery that I was in. That's what depression really is, the inability to believe that the future might possibly be less painful than the present.

Fortunately, my friends, the therapy, and my own determination to keep going eventually got me through it. One Sunday in May 2008, my depression suddenly just lifted like a curtain, and I was gloriously happy. Happier than I have ever been in my life. All the energy that I had been putting into staying miserable suddenly swung around to lift me up.

And then my life started to transform. My career started moving in the right direction. I lost 40 lbs. For the first time in my life, guys started to hit on me. I discovered that I was much more a top than a bottom. And then I discovered that I was dominant, and my life came into much sharper focus than ever before. My life makes sense now. But if I had given up in that moment of despair, if my friend hadn't intervened and talked me through it, I would never have gotten to this place where i am now. My life isn't perfect, but it seems to have so much more potential for happiness than it has in years. I feel whole and complete and in control for the first time.

So please, don't give up. Keep fighting with your pain. Even if it seems impossible, keep fighting. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, trying to make things work. Eventually, things will get easier. Stuff will start going right, and things will begin to make sense again. You'll be able to see the potential in your life, and the world will become beautiful once more. Just don't stop. As they say in AA, don't give up before the miracle happens. Please.

You too, Ceilidh.

bsproms · Oct 16, 2010

Think you might be confusing humanity with society. Perhaps you don't feel you fit in with the narrow-minded gaze of society and the structures we have to live our lives in. Many people don't. What you need to do is decide to be part of it and humour its blinkedness or don't and find a place in this world that you can agree with. As for being hurt by a girl, accept the pain. The pain is something all us humans go thru. Its how we mature and find the real soul mate in this world. I recently attended the birth of a boy I believed to be mine, dna results took this away and I feel like I have lost a son. But I accept my anguish, its fine for me to be angry and sad. My point is that life goes on and its the hard times that truley illuminate our true selves. Its these times that teach us how to mature and accept the nature of humanity.
You sound very down at the moment. Try to surround yourself with positive people and try to laugh.
Take care dude

Humanity

Death

Member

Ceilidh

Member

sebastian

Active Member

bsproms

New Member

Similar threads