How do I explain something I don’t understand?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by DreamInTheDark, Aug 28, 2012.

  1. DreamInTheDark

    DreamInTheDark New Member

    First of all I’d like to say hi. After reading on here for a few months I decided to join you guys.

    I have known for years that I wasn’t vanilla but it took quite some time to figure out what I was. About a year ago I told my man (we’ve been together for about 9 years) that I was craving his dominance and control. We took our time to think and talk about “if, how and where†we wanted to take our relationship. Neither of us have any experience in this area so it felt right not to rush things. Lately the dynamic of our relationship has started to change a little – which is really good but also causes a few problems along the way.

    The problem I am facing right now is something that happened a couple of nights ago. He gave me a wonderful spanking but the next day I felt sad and confused. I told him that I felt weird and he asked me why. I don’t really know. He asked me if he had done something wrong the other night. I told him that it was wonderful and I felt happy and loved after the spanking. I felt how frustrated he got because I was sad and unable to explain why. But how can I begin to explain something to him that I don’t even understand myself?

    Everything is a blur in my mind and I have a feeling that “sub drop†and/or “aftercare†might be what I need to solve the puzzle… but I can’t really get the pieces to fit.

    Do any of you have any suggestions as to how I should handle this?
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Dream, welcome to SMplace. My guess from what you've said is that you had a session of sub drop. BDSM can create a state of heightened awareness and intensity of feeling that that fades over time, returning you to your ordinary state, which can feel pale in comparison. It might be purely psychological, but it might also be biochemical. During erotic torture, your body uses lots of resources to manage the pain, releasing endorphins, for example, and eventually your body runs low and needs to replenish those resources. This can produce feelings of sadness, temporary depression, moodiness, and the like. It's a recognized phenomena and in that sense probably nothing to worry about.

    You may simply fall into sub-drop easily, or it may have happened for particular circumstances unique to that situation. Only future play sessions can tell you. So next time you play, ask your husband to put more emphasis on the aftercare and bringing you back to your normal state--snuggling, maybe a warm blanket, affectionate talk, a warm sugary drink or some small chocolates. Those might all help alleviate sub-drop.
  3. DreamInTheDark

    DreamInTheDark New Member

    Thank you, Sebastian. I should point out that he is my boyfriend, not husband. I’m not sure how important that really is but it’s nice to get the facts straight right? :) I will try and talk to him again. Maybe I will be able to explain it better when things get back to normal.

    I have a hard time figuring the aftercare out. I have never been the kind of girl who wants to talk or snuggle much after sex. I guess we should try doing this in different ways and see what works for us.

    It seems strange to me that something so wonderful and so exciting can feel so empty the next day. Fingers crossed that this will not happen too often…
  4. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    It's not necessarily the cuddling, it's that some warmth, sugar, etc can bring your body back up to snuff. For the people that it's psychological, those also give security, as can talking and cuddling (though not in your case).
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2012
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Aftercare needs to be personalized to the sub. Some want lots of cuddling, others want to be left alone for a while. So need to be guided out of their submissive space, while others bring themselves out. Figure out what works for you.

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