HELP? CONFUSED! - Trying to Understand DOMS/SADISTS: What About It Turns You On?

steph89 · Apr 25, 2009

To all the Dom(me)s & Sadists:

Hello there! My name is Stephanie Conway. I'm a student from Ontario, Canada. BDSM is all quite new to me (a little over a year), but already it's been an intense experience!

I'm trying to understand what the appeal is of being in the role of a dom, sadist, etc? (Coming from the opposite end of things, I'm just utterly confused by it.)

First off, I'm not here to pass judgments on anyone! And I'm not trying to figure out "why you're like this" (i.e. if there were childhood, experiences, if it's about the wiring of the brain). My goal is to try to understand what it is about being in the dom/sadist role that makes you like it and/or turns you on?

If you could help me understand, it would mean a lot to me! I have felt confused about this for years but have been embarrassed to ask. I worry the very question may offendâ€¦ I really hope it doesnâ€™t.

I have nothing to offer in return for the generosity of your time and insight, except my sincerest wishes that you find True Love within yourself and the Universe! (Well, I wish this for you all even if you donâ€™t help explain this!)

I don't need to hear from subs, masochists, etc. about why their role turns them on and/or appeal to them. I think I already understand this based on past conversations with subs/masos and also insights from my own fantasies. But for doms/sados that is something I still don't get.

Also, I have already heard many times from doms/sadists that what they enjoy about it is witnessing the pleasure that the subs/masos take in being dominated, hurt, degraded, etc. I understand that witnessing the pleasure of the sub/maso is part of the enjoyment and/or turn on for some doms/sadists, but I think there must be more to the story. If it was just about enjoying witnessing the pleasure of someone else, then they would find it equally enjoyable / sexy to give someone pleasure in a â€˜vanillaâ€™ sexual context (for example, by giving oral sex), or fulfill someoneâ€™s fantasy that had nothing to do with BDSM.

If your answer to my question includes that you enjoy witnessing the pleasure of the sub/maso, thatâ€™s fine, but I also hope you can offer me more information and insight beyond this.

Here are some specific questions I have. IF YOU RATHER JUST IGNORE THE QUESTIONS AND ANSWER OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD, THAT'S OKâ€¦ think of these questions as more of a guideline and/or inspiration.

(I recognize that not all doms / sadists are into all these things, and that doms / sadists come in different varieties, so feel free to only answer about the things that appeal to you. And, if there is something Iâ€™m missing out that turns you on, feel free to add it in and explain. Also you might consider there to be overlap between these categories, if so, feel free to combine them or ignore what youâ€™ve already covered by answering something else.)

Thanks so much!!!

I truly and deeply appreciate it!!!

===========================================================================================================================================================================================================

1. If you enjoy inflicting pain, what type of reaction (or reactions) from the sub/maso appeal to you? And most importantly why?
a. Sub/maso makes expresses pleasure (through words, sounds, body language, facial expression, etc.)
b. Sub/maso expresses physical pain
c. Sub/maso expresses fear
d. Sub/maso expresses sadness
e. Sub/maso expresses that they feel they deserve it
f. Sub/maso makes it clear they are a willing participant
g. Sub/maso acts as if they are unwilling (despite real life consent, but the point is to maintain a fantasy of non-consent)

(Note: you may be turned on by more than just one of these, or something else entirely)

2. If you enjoy dominating / enslaving someone, what type of dynamic with the sub/maso appeals to you? And most importantly why?
a. Sub/maso obeys/serves you out of love and respect for you
b. Sub/maso obeys/serves you out of low feelings of self-worth (or thatâ€™s the fantasy)
c. Sub/maso obeys/serves you out of fear of you (or thatâ€™s the fantasy)
d. Sub/maso resists obeying/serving you, but you threaten/whip/beat them into submission

(Note: you may be turned on by more than just one of these, or something else entirely)

3. If you enjoy inflicting humiliation and/or degradation on someone, what type of reaction from the sub/maso appeals to you? And most importantly why?
a. Sub/maso expresses pleasure
b. Sub/maso expresses sadness
c. Sub/maso expresses internalization of the message (â€œYes, Itâ€™s true, I am worthlessâ€)

(Note: you may be turned on by more than just one of these, or something else entirely)

4. If you enjoy enacting rape scenes, what are the dynamics that appeal to you? And most importantly why?
a. Sub/maso acts unwilling at first, but soon becomes willing
b. Sub/maso acts unwilling throughout the whole thing
c. Sub/maso acts afraid
d. Sub/maso acts angry
e. Sub/maso acts sad
f. Sub/maso acts in pain
g. Sub/maso acts as if theyâ€™re experiencing pleasure but are humiliated by their own pleasure

(Note: you may be turned on by more than just one of these, or something else entirely)

5. Doms and sadists often mention they enjoy control over the sub/masochist. What about control over another person is it that appeals to you?

6. Which, if any, of the following do you think play a role in your enjoyment of the dom/sadist role?
a. A desire for trust and/or intimacy?
b. Overcoming / coping with fear?
c. Overcoming / coping with insecurities?
d. Overcoming / coping with low self-esteem?
e. Overcoming / coping with feeling like you donâ€™t deserve to have your needs met?
f. Overcoming / coping with a fear of abandonment?
g. Overcoming / coping with fear of rejection?
h. A safe, cathartic release of anger? (not at the sub/masochist, but in general)
i. A safe, cathartic release of desire for revenge? (not at the sub/masochist, but in general)

Sparrow69 · Apr 25, 2009

steph89 said:
To all the Dom(me)s & Sadists:

Hello there! My name is Stephanie Conway. I'm a student from Ontario, Canada. BDSM is all quite new to me (a little over a year), but already it's been an intense experience!

I'm trying to understand what the appeal is of being in the role of a dom, sadist, etc? (Coming from the opposite end of things, I'm just utterly confused by it.)

Welcome Stephanie Conway. I'm glad you are open and willing enough to explore your more taboo side. I'l do my best to answer your questions, ad I am A VERY Sadistic Dom.

First off, I'm not here to pass judgments on anyone! And I'm not trying to figure out "why you're like this" (i.e. if there were childhood, experiences, if it's about the wiring of the brain). My goal is to try to understand what it is about being in the dom/sadist role that makes you like it and/or turns you on?

If you could help me understand, it would mean a lot to me! I have felt confused about this for years but have been embarrassed to ask. I worry the very question may offendâ€¦ I really hope it doesnâ€™t.

Rule number 1, never let your embarrassment show. Realize that half the challenge is to appear in control at all times, even if you are not. It takes practice.
Rule number 2, realize that most get offended when you draw assumptions, not when you ask questions. In reality, most feel honored to be asked.

I have nothing to offer in return for the generosity of your time and insight, except my sincerest wishes that you find True Love within yourself and the Universe! (Well, I wish this for you all even if you donâ€™t help explain this!)

Rule number 3, lern to accept and love yourself first. Without it, how can you ever expect someone else to feel that strongly for you.

I don't need to hear from subs, masochists, etc. about why their role turns them on and/or appeal to them. I think I already understand this based on past conversations with subs/masos and also insights from my own fantasies. But for doms/sados that is something I still don't get.

please bare in mind that being sadistic and being a dom are not hand in hand, and neither is sub and masochist. I've known sadistic subs, and masochistic doms.

Here are some specific questions I have. IF YOU RATHER JUST IGNORE THE QUESTIONS AND ANSWER OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD, THAT'S OKâ€¦ think of these questions as more of a guideline and/or inspiration.
===========================================================================================================================================================================================================
1. If you enjoy inflicting pain, what type of reaction (or reactions) from the sub/maso appeal to you? And most importantly why?
a. Sub/maso makes expresses pleasure (through words, sounds, body language, facial expression, etc.)
b. Sub/maso expresses physical pain
c. Sub/maso expresses fear
d. Sub/maso expresses sadness
e. Sub/maso expresses that they feel they deserve it
f. Sub/maso makes it clear they are a willing participant
g. Sub/maso acts as if they are unwilling (despite real life consent, but the point is to maintain a fantasy of non-consent)

I chose B, C, E, F, and G. Usually when a sub reaches the point of B, its indistinguishable from A, and as such, a real masochist would find the pleasure in both. My greatest thrill in this situation though, is watching the evolution of a persons psyche to the point they not only crave the pain and receive pleasure from it, but also feel they deserve it and nothing else will do. In a sense it becomes addicting.

2. If you enjoy dominating / enslaving someone, what type of dynamic with the sub/maso appeals to you? And most importantly why?
a. Sub/maso obeys/serves you out of love and respect for you
b. Sub/maso obeys/serves you out of low feelings of self-worth (or thatâ€™s the fantasy)
c. Sub/maso obeys/serves you out of fear of you (or thatâ€™s the fantasy)
d. Sub/maso resists obeying/serving you, but you threaten/whip/beat them into submission

This one i could not answer directly with your choices, as it differes from person to person. Usually it verys between A, B, and C, but never would I use D.

3. If you enjoy inflicting humiliation and/or degradation on someone, what type of reaction from the sub/maso appeals to you? And most importantly why?
a. Sub/maso expresses pleasure
b. Sub/maso expresses sadness
c. Sub/maso expresses internalization of the message (â€œYes, Itâ€™s true, I am worthlessâ€)

again, a true masochist would do all of these. In short its the swirling chaos of expressions as their mind tries to process their own internal sub conscious reactions that drives me wild. knowing that my actions, with just a word could cause so much pain, and yet so much pleasure at the same time as to cause someone to be at war with themselves. Its most commonly reffered to as the "learned dog syndrome" in psychology.

5. Doms and sadists often mention they enjoy control over the sub/masochist. What about control over another person is it that appeals to you?

One word. Trust. For a sub to trust you that much is amazing. It shows a sense of compassion most will never know. but here's the big part. the true rush comes from the realization that you trust yourself enough to allow them to do so.

6. Which, if any, of the following do you think play a role in your enjoyment of the dom/sadist role?
a. A desire for trust and/or intimacy?
b. Overcoming / coping with fear?
c. Overcoming / coping with insecurities?
d. Overcoming / coping with low self-esteem?
e. Overcoming / coping with feeling like you donâ€™t deserve to have your needs met?
f. Overcoming / coping with a fear of abandonment?
g. Overcoming / coping with fear of rejection?
h. A safe, cathartic release of anger? (not at the sub/masochist, but in general)
i. A safe, cathartic release of desire for revenge? (not at the sub/masochist, but in general)

Again I chose Multiples. A, B, C, H, and I. The first few are self explanatory, the last two are derived from my personal history of being abused, raped, and told i was going to die repetitively, and then being brought back to life several times.

If you would like to discuss it more, and you feel I can help you out more, I'd tell you that my email address is also my windows messenger account, se we can chat about it. Good luck in figuring it all out, I'm sure you'll get a wide variety of answers.

steph89 · Apr 25, 2009

i want to get to bed soon, but wanted to say a couple things, first... altho due to tiredness it will be kept brief!

first, thankyou thankyou thankyou!!! your insight is very helpful... i feel like i'm getting it more now. i still hope i get way more answers, tho, since each person is different. but already i feel like it's becoming more clear.

secondly, i wanted to respond to this:

"The first few are self explanatory, the last two are derived from my personal history of being abused, raped, and told i was going to die repetitively, and then being brought back to life several times."

holy shit. i'm soooo sorry. i just wish i could crawl inside your heart and heal you somehow. but i'm sure that will come with time.

thanks for the offer to chat further. i will probably take you up on it down the road!

steph89 · Apr 25, 2009

to everyone else:

i also posted this question on a facebook group and somebody sent me a private message asking me if this was for a school paper. given the detail of the questions, i can see why it sounds like a college project. but i assure you it is not. the reason for the detail of the questions is because i'm a geek! lol... i really just overthink and overanalyze things. i could have added many more questions, but didn't wanna overdo it (it seems like i did overdo it already, tho!).

i am a student but am on summer vacation right now... miles away from campus. (phew! and not a moment too soon!)

also, wanting to understand doms and/or sadists and/or masters is more than just curiosity for curiosity's sake. i also think that understanding all this can be helpful to learn how to better please a Master/Dom. how can one please without understanding? also, i feel it would be improper etiquit to ask these questions to someone who was my Master/Dom.

really, if you could see in my heart you would know the truth... but i can't prove it to you ..... hopefully this is enough to help you trust me. of course nobody need answer unless they feel comfortable.

steph89 · Apr 25, 2009

steph89 said:
holy shit. i'm soooo sorry. i just wish i could crawl inside your heart and heal you somehow. but i'm sure that will come with time.

oops... "but i'm sure that will come with time" is vague and ambiguous, and could be misinterpreted. i don't mean me actually crawling inside your heart to heal you will come with time (unlikely, since we probably live hundreds of miles apart!). i mean your healing, in and of itself, will come with time. (and hopefully very soon!)

lol, sorry if i creeped you out.

Click to expand...

Sparrow69 · Apr 25, 2009

no creeping out here. I've seen some horrible horrible things, and heard some creepy things that while they may sound innocent, can make your skin crawl if you listen correctly. I don't there's much left that could creep me out or cause my pule to race or even get my blood pressure to rise. The only scary thing I've found lately, is how robotic and machine-like my physical responses can be, regardless of whats going on in my head.

Interesdom · Apr 25, 2009

Response from a non-sadistic dominant.

steph89 said:
My goal is to try to understand what it is about being in the dom/sadist role that makes you like it and/or turns you on?

I am a dominant, not a sadist. I have had submissive women, slave women and submissive slave women. I gave manumission to my last slave a few months back and currently live without one.

Broadly, I would say it doesn't turn me on, as such. It is just how I am. It would be more accurate to say that being dominated by anyone is something I naturally resist and living with a partner who is not submissive to me just doesn't work.

steph89 said:
If you could help me understand, it would mean a lot to me! I have felt confused about this for years but have been embarrassed to ask. I worry the very question may offend… I really hope it doesn’t.

An honest question, seeking knowledge should never offend. If it does, the offended has the problem, not the questioner.

steph89 said:
Also, I have already heard many times from doms/sadists that what they enjoy about it is witnessing the pleasure that the subs/masos take in being dominated, hurt, degraded, etc. I understand that witnessing the pleasure of the sub/maso is part of the enjoyment and/or turn on for some doms/sadists, but I think there must be more to the story. If it was just about enjoying witnessing the pleasure of someone else, then they would find it equally enjoyable / sexy to give someone pleasure in a ‘vanilla’ sexual context (for example, by giving oral sex), or fulfill someone’s fantasy that had nothing to do with BDSM.

I can find great pleasure in "vanilla" sex and do enjoy giving a woman pleasure. It is natural to want to see pleasure in someone you love. It is ego-building to give pleasure even when a woman doesn't expect it. It is human to want people around you to enjoy themselves.

steph89 said:
1. If you enjoy inflicting pain, what type of reaction (or reactions) from the sub/maso appeal to you?

I don't normally enjoy inflicting physical pain. Usually, when I inflict pain it is as punishment. I want the woman to understand why she is being punished and to be contrite, more than I want her to feel pain.

I might occasionally want to inflict mild pain, normally emotional (e.g. embarrassment or humiliation) though sometimes physical (such as tickling or long-term bondage). I think the main thing I get from this is a reinforcement of my domination over her and the kick from manipulating her.

steph89 said:
2. If you enjoy dominating / enslaving someone, what type of dynamic with the sub/maso appeals to you? And most importantly why?
a. Sub/maso obeys/serves you out of love and respect for you
b. Sub/maso obeys/serves you out of low feelings of self-worth (or that’s the fantasy)
c. Sub/maso obeys/serves you out of fear of you (or that’s the fantasy)
d. Sub/maso resists obeying/serving you, but you threaten/whip/beat them into submission

a. Like most humans, I have a need to feel loved. And a need to love. Respect is a sign of acceptance and love.

Absolutely not b. There are two reasons for this:
i) Being respected or obeyed by someone who has no value in themselves, no self-respect or understanding of their own worth gives me nothing. Any idiot abuser can get that!
ii) It is not conducive to long-term health of the slave, nor is it helpful to her long-term usefulness. I want someone of value and use.

c. There are times when this might be necessary but it is not preferable. A very faint background of fear of punishment (not of abandonment) can be helpful, depending on the psychology of the slave, but the primary motivation to serve and obey needs to come from elsewhere.

d. Much as with c. Sometimes, especially in the early stages, it can be necessary to completely overcome a girl's resistance using physical force (not threats). This has to be done with care and knowledge of the girl to get the right result. Certainly, being unwilling to go to ultimate lengths is not going to get respect from a resisting submissive.

steph89 said:
3. If you enjoy inflicting humiliation and/or degradation on someone, what type of reaction from the sub/maso appeals to you? And most importantly why?
a. Sub/maso expresses pleasure
b. Sub/maso expresses sadness
c. Sub/maso expresses internalization of the message (“Yes, It’s true, I am worthless”)

a. See 2a. Also, when a sub experiences pleasure from degradation, it enforces her position in her mind.

Not b. See 2a.

c. Yes, I want her to internalise her enslavement and degradation can help, depending on her mentality and emotional state. If it makes her feel worthless, however, it is not what I am aiming for and I would know I have made a mistake. See 2b.

steph89 said:
5. Doms and sadists often mention they enjoy control over the sub/masochist. What about control over another person is it that appeals to you?

I get done what I want done. My life is harmonious and stress-free. I can relax with the woman, confident that she is under control, safe, protected and subservient.

steph89 said:
6. Which, if any, of the following do you think play a role in your enjoyment of the dom/sadist role?
a. A desire for trust and/or intimacy?
b. Overcoming / coping with fear?
c. Overcoming / coping with insecurities?
d. Overcoming / coping with low self-esteem?
e. Overcoming / coping with feeling like you don’t deserve to have your needs met?
f. Overcoming / coping with a fear of abandonment?
g. Overcoming / coping with fear of rejection?
h. A safe, cathartic release of anger? (not at the sub/masochist, but in general)
i. A safe, cathartic release of desire for revenge? (not at the sub/masochist, but in general)

a. Yes, for both parties.

b. c. d. Um, hang on ... when I get to e. I start wondering WHOM you think this is about? I'm looking for HER to overcome these things. I don't have problems along these lines. (Not to say that I never had, nor that I don't experience some element of them occasionally but I deal with that myself, not by using someone else). These are things I look to clear from a person's psyche to make them a happier, more fulfilled, more enjoyable (and more useful) person.

e. Not at all. Of course I 'deserve' to have my needs met!

f. g. - again, for her, not me. See 6b.

h. i. No way. One reason I don't use a whip is because I trained to use one as a weapon and can strip bark off a tree. My early martial arts training makes me very cautious about releasing myself in any such way on anything animate (I might smash boxes or chop up wood or go for a long run if I really need to let off steam).

-----

Some of your questions make me wonder whether you are aware that power exchange relationships are NOT always just kinky, short-lived things but can be long-term extremely fulfilling relationships. There are certainly those who get carried away by fantasy (the "a slave is just dirt beneath a master's feet" kind) and will try to live out this but it never works for long and never can, and can be very emotionally damanging. True ownership takes time, effort, thought and care -- but is incredibly rewarding. A correctly owned slave knows she is worth a great deal and also knows that she is slave, the property of a man who she respects, and usually loves with incredible depth.

Interesdom · Apr 25, 2009

Always ask questions!

steph89 said:
to everyone else:
...i also think that understanding all this can be helpful to learn how to better please a Master/Dom. how can one please without understanding? also, i feel it would be improper etiquit to ask these questions to someone who was my Master/Dom.

Steph, I absolutely disagree with you here. A healthy M/s or even D/s relationship relies on complete and open communication.

If you are going to be a slave, how can you hope to make a good selection of who to own you unless you first have a good understanding of their motivations and their mind? Even if you are not intending to be owned but will nevertheless submit your will to another, you need to be aware of the mind that you submit to.

There can be no greater purpose in your life than to understand the mind of your own master or dom. That is far more important than having a generic understanding based on whatever replies you get here. No sensible owner would stop you getting the best understanding possible of what motivates him and gives him pleasure and discomfort.

I search the world to find the right girl to own and need her to be totally open to me so that I can, eventually, possess the remotest corners of her mind. The biggest reason I reject a potential sub or slave is because they don't ask enough about me: I don't want someone who might make a decision with too little knowledge, or make a decision based only on emotions that could change as soon as reality sets in.

nix · Apr 26, 2009

I'm a switch, and I like totally different things whether I'm subbing or domming. I'm probably more at home subbing, but since I switch I'll answer as best I can:

1. a, a little bit of b and c, g
2. d
3. c, this is what turns me on the most either domming or subbing
4. I don't really enjoy this but I guess g?
5. Well, that's the question really... I guess humiliation.
6. a and h

All of it's just play for me and my partner though, we have an otherwise vanilla relationship. We both get turned on by BDSM though and so for us it's an integral part of our sex lives, but outside of the bedroom there's no power exchange to speak of.

Seattledom · May 20, 2009

1. If you enjoy inflicting pain, what type of reaction (or reactions) from the sub/maso appeal to you? And most importantly why?

I do not enjoy inflicting pain, however I do enjoy the feeling I get watching a sub endure pain for me. It is physical affirmation of what she feels for me.

2. If you enjoy dominating / enslaving someone, what type of dynamic with the sub/maso appeals to you? And most importantly why?
a. Sub/maso obeys/serves you out of love and respect for you

3. If you enjoy inflicting humiliation and/or degradation on someone, what type of reaction from the sub/maso appeals to you? And most importantly why?
a. Sub/maso expresses pleasure
b. Sub/maso expresses sadness
I like when she expresses fear, when her eyes tear up as her face turns beat red, yet her pussy is so wet it is running down her thighs.
Why do I like it, again physical affirmation, she wants desperately top be a slut, but her culture and her biology has put restrictions on it. BY making her do sexually humiliating things, she is finally free to be that slut, and the struggle of the two forces at work in her is joy to behold. I am what is freeing her, it is wonderful.

5. Doms and sadists often mention they enjoy control over the sub/masochist. What about control over another person is it that appeals to you?
Simple, I believe I know best, and I want the world, or at the very least my world to work properly, So I must be in control.

6. Which, if any, of the following do you think play a role in your enjoyment of the dom/sadist role?
a. A desire for trust and/or intimacy?
[/QUOTE]

HELP? CONFUSED! - Trying to Understand DOMS/SADISTS: What About It Turns You On?

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