Hi everyone!

Imperfection · Aug 15, 2012

Thought it's time to say Hi and start chattin'

Name's Imperfection, some call me Imp. I'm tryin' to set up my own independent life now. I've had a steady relationship with my GF for almost two years now. We have a daughter who's almost a year old now!

Things are going really well! But... I want them to go better! That's why I'm here! I want to add another level to my relationship with my GF.

Throughout my life, I've been quiet, reserved, and I always go out of my way to make things easier for the select-few people that I really care about in my life. I don't complain, whine, or anything of the sort; When something needs to be done I get up 'n do it while others will sit 'n think about the amount of effort that needs to be applied, etc. Even when they're tasks that I really don't want to do.

Anyways, I have this theory based upon my almost nil-experience that I've a switch-type and that my GF is a sub-type. While growing up I've always had fantasies in having complete control of my woman. But I've molded myself into the nice-guy. I have the fuckin' collar in front of me as I'm typing this... I want to put it on my GF and tell her what I want her to do. I want to tell her what to address me by. I want to teach her what to do and how to do it. BUT I SECOND-GUESS MYSELF ALL THE DAMNED TIME!! I'll start talking and in my first sentence "uhh..." comes out! Then I'll think of some other way for the task to be done. Or I'll think that I didn't plan things out enough. Then I'll think about how pathetic I must look while trying to give direction. Needless to say, I'm fumbling all over the place.

I think I'm typing all of this out because I'm hoping to hear stories from others who might have started out in a similar situation and have progressed through it, and now find themselves in a more comfortable and dominating position.

Any help, insight, comments at all will be greatly appreciated. Even if it seems like a kick in the balls response!

==

My bullshit aside, I see that your forums are swamped with similar random posts like mine. I'm sure you're getting a ton of one-time posters. I've had some experience with forum moderation and just as a quick suggestion ... Maybe try creating ranks for the forum users. So lower ranks have to post in particular forum sections while they can only read in others. i.e. ...

General BDSM Discussions
[Rank 4-9]
Post..
Reply..
Post...
[Rank 0-3]
Post...
^ Exact same post worded differently...
^ Exact same post worded differently...
Attempt to reply... a day later on page 5 because of other similar posts.

At least this way the regulars who read/post/comment etc don't feel berated as much with newbile comments in a forum section of particular interest to them.

/end ... I type a lot after a few drinks, sorry >.>

JettOnly · Aug 15, 2012

Wellcome

Have you spoke to your girlfriend about all this? Its great to be the kind of person who just gets up and gets things done - but just presenting someone with a collar is very very unlikely to end well
The stickies have some great advice on how to progress
Put simply I would say you two should spend lots and lots of time talking (or writing - I find writing easier) finding out what gets each of your juices flowing and what is totaly a no no
It often sounds like being Dom is all about slapping a collar on someone and telling them exactly what to do - but imo - especially in a commited relationship and two people new to this all - its more like you are in charge of weaving together both your fantasies into something epic for both of you, that pushes things at just the right speed to challange each other and grow together

Imperfection · Aug 15, 2012

Yeah, I've talked to her about it.
I've found that it's a lot easier for us to communicate via journal in regards to it.

Did you start off with writing as well?

Hehe, I'm definitely one to communicate ... maybe too much >.>

Smallest · Aug 15, 2012

Just to let you know, there are ranks, mostly to deal with spam. The problem is more uncreative thread titles, posting in the wrong section, etc.

I don't have a ton of advice, being a sub and so on, but I can tell you she'll probably love to be collared and controlled, so really that is how you can be a nice boyfriend, not by doing what romantic movies/friends/etc tell you to do. Also, perhaps reading the Nice Vanilla Boyfriend post would help?

MrWolfgang · Aug 15, 2012

Yeah....the journal thing doesent hurt at all. Me and my wife keep a book to where either one of us can just grab it and write out our fantasys, feelings, or best/worst part of playtime out. Or just whatever. Weve been married almost 10 years now and sometimes things arent so much hard to talk about but, it just dont come out the mouth right. Writing lets both of us say exactly what we want and leaves little open to interpitation. And generally once we write it out its much much easier to talk about face to face since by then its basically out in the open. Something like that. It works for us tho. Communication is key no matter how ya do it.

(On a side note, we do avoid the texting tho. Just seems alot more impersonal than actual handwriting. It sounds silly Im sure but, like I said, works for us.)

Imperfection · Aug 15, 2012

Who originally brought up the topic of BDSM between the two of you? (Indirect, towards all that have replied

)

With the journal thing, were things still rocky at the beginning? I feel like the ball's in my court now and just nervous to get it rollin'.

subarama30 · Aug 15, 2012

I am a writer too, funny how so many of us find that easier!

I was the one to bring up bdsm, he had no interest at all but obviously realised there were perks to a sub partner and also he just enjoyed seeing how excited I got. Mine has definately been a rocky road of discovery, I came to the table with more experience in the lifestyle but this has been more of hindrance I feel.

I think the best piece of advice I've gotten from this forum is communication. I really used to think we were open and talked about everything but exploring kink with my man has really stripped things bare and brought about insecurities in us both.

Take your time. I know it's tempting in the beginning to just want to jump in with both feet and try everything you've ever fantasised about but for me, this wasn't the best attack. I always say, what's in your head might not translate well to reality so you have to do the groundwork and figure out what the both of you want to get out of all this so it ends up mutually satisfying. Your idea of domination might be very different to hers.

Be prepared for the fact it might put a temporary strain on your relationship while you get all the finer points ironed out but I still think its worth it. I've had more ups and downs than I care to think about but I'm in this for the duration.

stanley_jeffries · Aug 15, 2012

Hi Imp,
Reading through your email I see evidence of something that happens a lot as any fantasy element emerges in a relationship. The easiest way to describe it would be that one partner "gets ahead" of the other in a fantasy.

If you think about it, in any relationship where one of the partners develops a fantasy (whatever it may be), that fantasy will take root in one of the two partners first. And all fantasies become more "extreme" with time - whether they are acted out or not. The odds of both partners:

1. Having the exact same fantasy (even different BDSM practitioners have different preferences).
2. Being at the same level of enthusiasm in their fantasy.

...are astronomical. It just isn't going to be that way. Your first goal needs to be to communicate your fantasy to your partner in a way that will not scare her.

The level of detail in your email makes me believe you've been thinking about this for a while, so what may have begun as a simple fantasy has now (quite naturally) grown in your mind so that you have a certain level of expectation.

OK, let me pause here because I need to say that if I'm correct then it's perfectly normal (ie. you are not "odd" in any way) to let fantasies grow in your mind without telling anyone. Psychology magazines are full of examples of this - and it applies with all types of human fantasty (not just BDSM). As an example, look at the number of people who idolise celebrities, and when they finally meet them they're disappointed. Human imagination is extremely powerful, and the fantasies we create in our own minds are really hard to recreate (unless you have a Hollywood Special Effects budget!).

OK, so we have Partner A who is fantasizing about, for example, being a Dom, and is (on a scale of 1 to 10), at a level of 6 in terms of pent up excitement, expectation and frustration.

We have Partner B who has no idea that Partner A is harbouring this BDSM fantasy. Indeed, they may have their own fantasy (or several), and they may be more or less excited/frustrated, and wanting to act it out. Or they may have fantasies that they just want to keep as fantasies, and never act them out at all - maybe they'd just like to share their "guilty secret" with the person they love.

If Partner A actually gets a chance to live out their fantasy with Partner B there will often be a "post fantasy disappointment" feeling. Again, this is perfect normal, but the way you handle that disappoinment is important.

If Partner A allows this to show to Partner B, then Partner B becomes discouraged (because in their mind they have genuinely tried to please their partner, and they're not getting much credit for it). So they will stop cooperating with the fantasy. It's a vicious circle, unfortunately, and it's really hard to break out of. My advice is try to avoid getting into it in the first place.

So what we have here is a classic communication problem. you need to communicate your fantasy to your partner without scaring her off.

I'm going to drag out some advice I always use to people in your position. Check out this book about relationships (BTW most relationship books are rubbish, but this one actually has some useful advice in it, and I've included a quote here from the chapter on sex).

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principl...9855088&sr=8-1

“Your sexual life will be further enhanced if you feel safe enough
to share your sexual fantasies with each other and even act them out
together. This is a very delicate area. Although fantasies are the home
of imagination, variety, and adventure in a marriage, very few
couples are able to share their fantasies and then find some way of
honoring them within their sex life. If you are able to share your
fantasies, the result will be great intimacy, romance, and excitement.
Try to cultivate the idea that within the boundaries of your
marriage, all wishes, images, fantasies, and desires are acceptable.
Nothing is intrinsically bad or disgusting. You can say no to your
partner's request, but don't disparage it. Expressing a fantasy
requires a great deal of trust, so take care to be tender when you hear
of a fantasy your partner has. If it's not one of your own, but it's not a
turn-off, then agree to it. Don't take it personally if your spouse
wants you to pretend to be a stranger, a nurse, or a pirate. Just
consider it play. The idea, the desire, the fantasy is usually not
understood at all by the person expressing it. No one knows why
particular fantasies are erotic to certain people, they just are.”

My only other advice would be to take things slowly, listen really carefully to what she says, and never, EVER show disappointment if she takes "baby steps" towards your fantasy. If you value the relationship, and if you love your partner then take what you can get and learn to be happy with it.

BTW - if she shares her fantasies with you it could also be fun. Now it's your turn not to be shocked, and most importantly not to show distain for something she might have been thinking about for a while.

Good luck!

Stanley

Imperfection · Aug 15, 2012

Thank you so much for your replies! I really appreciate the time 'n effort that all of you have spent to reply to my intoxicated posts!

I must say all the positive feedback has really helped me. I definitely will NOT take what I have for granted.

Roland · Aug 15, 2012

Everyone gave great replies but I just want to say one thing. Don't collar her right away. After she learns more and realizes what it signifies, she should really want it very badly. Then, you can let her know that she will get it based on good behavior over the next month or so, etc. That's my suggestion, and it will be hot for her to know that serving you properly will lead to rewards like that.

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