EXTREME Nurturing Side Comes Out??

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Foreverbunny91, Oct 30, 2012.

  1. I was curious about my dominant side and decided to find a submissive who didn't mind playing with an inexperienced mistress. I found a sub who had never tried anything with BDSM before online, met him in person and decided I liked him. We started playing together, then hanging out a lot. Fast forward two months, and now we've been dating for almost two weeks.

    We've gotten slowly more vanilla and have been playing less and less since we've started dating. I've decided I want to start playing more and putting more D/s dynamic in our relationship. I enjoy his company regardless, but it doesn't feel right being all vanilla all the time.

    However, I am bothered by the fact that I feel the NEED to nurture him and take care of him and be really damn motherly to him. I take care of his ingrown hairs and cook him dinner for Christ's sake! I tried to be this way with my ex, but he would NOT have it. My subby enjoys it MOST of the time... At least when we're playing or I'm acting particularly dominant. But he doesn't when we're being all vanilla-y.

    I take care of his skin, make sure he brushes his teeth and dental flosses, make sure he has lunch when he goes to work, stroke his hair in the car, give him baths, make him dinner, etc. I would say that perhaps these are the things I like being done for me as a sub (I'm a babygirl), but I know it goes deeper. I'm NOT a Mommy, and I'm sure it would be a turn-off to both of us to play the roles of Mommy/babyboy.

    And the BIG issue is that I could NEVER hurt him. See, I just got out of a 4.5 year relationship in July, and I feel like I moved into this relationship too fast. We were supposed to just try it out for a week... I don't want to break up with him, but if I ever did, I wouldn't be able to. I feel stuck, because I'd NEVER want to hurt him, but how would I get out of this relationship if I so needed to? Also, even though he has agreed to switch on occasion (and even work with a mentor!), he does not agree to D/lg. He won't do poly or open relationships or let me play with other men, and I'm not into women, and being unfaithful is NOT an option (been there, done that, NEVER doing it again!)... But, I do feel that I will need a Daddy eventually:(

    Any advice or commentary would be much appreciated!
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Bunny: you're definitely moving too fast. Angsting over cheating on a guy you've only known for two months is definitely jumping ahead a couple years. If you're feeling these sorts of thoughts after two weeks of dating, you need to put the breaks on things. Sit down and have a real talk with him. Explain that you're interested in him but that you're exploring your domme side and aren't sure yet what sort of a dynamic you want in a long-term relationship. You're happy to domme him, but you're not sure if being a domme is what you really want. In other words, make it clear that at this point, you're not committed to him. And at two weeks' in, he probably doesn't feel committed to you either. Maybe agree that you and he will be domme and sub for one month. At the end of that month, you'll have another talk about how things are going, what you and he both want, how your power exchange is doing, what might need to change, and so on.

    A domme can be motherly, just as a male dom can be a daddy. Unless you really dislike that dynamic, make it part of your play. You can be a loving but harsh parent. Give him rules to follow--he has to brush his teeth and floss, or else he gets a spanking. Any work you don't like doing he has to do as a chore. Do you not like having to make him a lunch? One of his chores is to make a lunch for himself the night before, so it's ready to go.

    Do you want to be less mommy and more bitch goddess? Then push things in that direction and see how you two like it.

    As far as hurting him is concerned (and I assume you mean hurting him by breaking up with him), there are two possibilities. 1) This man is so fragile that he'll be devastated if a woman he's been dating for two weeks breaks up with him. If that's the case, run away from him right now. You don't want a guy that broken and now is the time to get out. 2) He's not so fragile that he'll be devastated if you break up with him. You may be a wonderful person, but you're probably not the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe. He'll survive and move on, and so will you.
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2012
  3. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I'll add to Sebastian's comment that you can be a matronly domme without necessarily doing mommy/boy play.
  4. Yes, we did move quickly. I don't want to back off, and also feel like I shouldn't. We have more to our relationship than D/s. I actually DO feel committed to him- very much so in this short time! And it's making me nervous.

    I don't want to break up, but I feel like things should definitely slow down... How do I tell him that? It's so hard to go back once you've been so intense with one another. Gah. This is fustrating!

    **I also must add, that while I may not be a Marylin Monroe reincarnation, I would say I come close to Jessica Alba's twin. I'm, to say the least, stunningly beautiful, insanely whitty and sinfully sexy:) LOL. Please excuse the narcissism.
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2012
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    How do you tell him? By sitting down and telling him that you're worried that things are going really quickly. Just be honest about your feelings with him: you like him, you're aware that things have gotten really intense really fast, and you're worried that maybe things are going too fast because you're just out of a relationship. Ask him if he feels things are going too fast or if he likes the pace. Then talk about what those feelings mean, and decide if you need to adjust things or if you're both ok with the pacing. And then talk about your power exchange.
  6. Decided where we're at is ok but going to slow down a bit and that we're going to try to play more but its hard because of our schedules:( but when one of us gets a place of our own we're going to be able to play more.

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